Thanks to all of you on your posts...you are all very right about a lot of things.

Why haven't I left my H? That answer is simple - THE KIDS. I can't bear to break up the family so I am living in this holding pattern.

runningoutoftime - Oh yes, the OM does make me feel good about myself and helps to validate myself. I didn't get that from my husband in 20 years of marriage. The funny thing is because of the OM, I have made a lot of self-improvements that have gone unnoticed by my H. Especially physical improvements and doing a lot more things that I enjoy. Not one comment on changes by my H. I do enjoy the compliments from the OM and other people as well, who doesn't? I'm human and I'm a female...

I have absolutely NO expectations that there will ever be more between myself and the OM. He will 100% not risk his family...he LOVES his wife, you may ask why does he continue an EA with me? I don't really think it is an Emotional A for him - it is a friendship...he really sees me as just a woman to talk to about things you can't talk to other people about...just a cool friendship...we just have a connection. He definitely is not head over heels over me and I don't need him to be...I am not sitting here wishing for more with him...really...

But what he did is make me realize I am capable of a connection with someone else. Before that I was so low, I was having trouble connecting with ANYONE. That is how bad it gets when after 20 years of M you are ignored...Now at least I feel like a worthy woman and can have connections with other people in a good way...

Why did I marry my H? Because I was young and stupid, that's why...I met him at 16 and married him at 22 even though even back then I knew something was not there.

I will NEVER think the A was a mistake. I have no idea what would have happened to me if I didn't have the A. You are ALL 100% right that I should tell my H and I need to tell my H. It still comes down to the KIDS...and this huge circle of family and friends who would be let down. If I were to get divorced I would be the FIRST divorce ever on either side of my family or my H's family. Our families are very unique that there are no divorces. My H's parents practically hate each others guts and they still stay together being miserable. My own parents live in the same house but do separate things all the time, hardly really talking to each other. Yet still everyone sticks it out.

Oh well...thank you all for all of your advice...I really have to do something...