Yes, that is what she's trying to do....I think the issue is in how it's approached with her H.
See, with my H it's all in the approach I take. I can either instantly put him on the defensive by making it appear that we have two choices and his isn't the "right" one (which I think is how Heather's H feels). OR...I can literally say something like what I suggested to Heather, which validates what he's trying to do and includes what she feels is important too.
I KNOW if I had an issue similar to Heathers and said this to my H "I'd like to get his bedtime started early tonight.'" He'd (in his minds ear) hear "I don't like the way you are doing it, my way is better." Naturally that wouldn't be my intention, and my words didn't say that, but that's how his mind's filter would have interpereted it. It's an unspoken battle of wills.
So...when my lightbuld finally goes off and I recognize that my H interperets that I'm saying "your wrong" I've found that if I literally state things like "I agree it's important to teach our kids that they need to complete tasks....." and work in the importance of also getting the kids to bed earlier....she removes the "you're wrong" from the equation. She may even have to repeat it a few times to him (and that's where biting her tongue and practicing patience will come in.) Honestly, I have literally had to stop in mid conversation with my H...when he's trying to argue against something I never said and look at him and say "You do realize I agree with you right? I'm not saying you are wrong." This has honestly stopped him mid sentence with mouth agape....and a confused expression on his face. THEN he starts to really hear what I'm saying.
Heather, IMPO...needs to recognize when he's filtering her words and work to not fight against them, but use that knowledge that he's filtering her and learn to phrase things so she is careful to include his idea/task (validate him) and include her ideas/tasks as well. After some time goes by (sorry don't know how long) he will learn she's not always out to oppose him, but to work WITH him.
I've used this with my H consistently, our conversations are now so much easier. It's been a year, but my H now actually talks to me, listens to me...and for the most part hears what I say most of the time. Without assuming I'm out to prove him wrong. We work more as a team now than we ever did.
GEL
PS Heather, I agree....that bedtime is waaaay too late.
