I have to say my PMA took a nose dive a couple of hours ago. The estate agents called and happened to mention that someone who looked round the house yesterday was really interested. They had actually told W that yesterday but she didn't let me know. No idea why she didn't, but it did annoy me a bit. And I'm annoyed at myself that I can let it annoy me.
Still a good evening with my friend and a few beers to look forward to..
Had a good evening with my friend. He had seen W for a drink on Friday and was giving me some information, even though I didn't really want it (well not that much..)
-He said she wasn't on great form and was tearful when talking about D. I think she's missing her badly, probably more than she thought she would. I wish she was missing me too.. -He'd asked if she was still seeing OM and she said yes, but that he played a lot of golf(?) and she was looking forward to some time to herself on the Saturday. He said she seemed glad to be in her own place. Not sure if all that was connected in the conversation but that's how it came out from my friend. Unfortunately he's not the clearest communicator in the world.
So what does that all mean, if anything, I'm wondering. Still seeing OM (replay), tears (depression?) and wanting to be alone (withdrawal?). Or none of the above? I think replay started for her last August i.e. 7 months ago. She's been seeing OM for 4 of those months, so I guess it's too early to think she might be coming out of it a bit.
I think there's every chance I will get an interview for this job 3 hours away, the week after next. Part of me wonders whether I should take up her offer of a few weeks ago and go for a coffee to talk, just so I can be clear where her head's at before embarking on such a big move. I probably won't get much sense out of her though, eh? Any ideas?
JBF, I'm afraid you won't get much sense out of her now no .... Decide what is best for YOU ! She needs to follow her own path now......one day hopefully your paths will join again !!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Bo Dia, Glad to hear you had a good evening. I need to make more friends and have more good evenings myself. Wish I could join you for a dinner of something good and British. My friend is a waiter and works nights, so I don't get to see him as often as I'd like. That and I'm broke, so it's not easy to go out much now. Life's little tests, I guess.
I was thinking that you might be going down the road my friend was taking; really detaching from your W and moving on. It doesn't look like you are doing that. I don't know if that's good or not. It’s amazing how forgiving, loving, and patient we are. Not all men, maybe not most men, could do what we are doing. And all the strong, loving women on this site too!! (I think I'll suggest to my friend that he may have closed the door too soon. We obviously believe there is still hope for our marriages. Perhaps he could leave the door cracked open for his girlfriend (they were like they were married and good with and for each other).
But back to you. You haven't given up and moved on have you? Regardless, I think you do need to do what's best for you right now and if that means taking the job that's 3 hours away (by the way, is that 3 metric hours?) then you should do it.
Depending on how deep into MLC your W is, and if it's possible to believe anything she tells you (remember, believe nothing of what they say?) then I think the talk over coffee may be a good idea (especially now that the UK actually has some good coffee. Maybe the US will learn how to brew tea someday too). Again, my view is largely influenced by my own sitch, so take it for what it's worth. My W seems very coherent and has been giving me an idea of where her head is at. There may be some corollaries.
The main point form my W, and I'd guess from yours, is that they still will make the ILYBINILWY speech. That is so hard for me to understand, and it hurts, but she doesn't love me now. My guess is your W doesn't love you right now either. Do you want to have a cup of coffee with her and hear that from her? Maybe it will help you to hear it, even if it hurts.
It is probably part of the MLC journey, right?
If you need to know what your W is thinking as far as child custody, financial arrangements, etc. it might be a good idea to talk to her too.
After all that rambling, a reminder about what’s important; take care of yourself and your D.
I think your posts show a positive progression. It seems to me you’re getting stronger and happier. There will be backsliding and bad times, but you’re moving in the right direction. It looks like you are helping others on this site too. It feels good to pass on some of what you’ve learned and support others, doesn’t it?
When I lived in Scotland, they always made fun of us Americans for saying this, but, Have a Good Day.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
I have been detaching much better and I am feeling overall much stronger but I do seem to have been thrown a bit from that the last couple of days. I think because she seems to be struggling, it's got my hopes up that she's popping her head out of the tunnel. But of course she probably isn't and I am letting the false hopes get to me.
Also this job prospect has got me reevaluating too. Most of the time I feel like yes, I am moving on, although if she wanted to reconnect I'd be there to listen so I haven't shut the door.
This morning I felt the total disbelief that this is happening that I felt at the beginning of all this. When that happens, I re read texts she sent me when she was living at home and out seeing OM- guilt texts on the whole e.g. 'Sleep well. See you tomorrow. Love you' etc. Those remind me of the pain I was in and I'm definitely in a better place than that, however sad I feel today. Thanks for your support.
Uuf, I know what you mean about that sudden feeling of total disbelief just like when it first happened. It can take your breath away.
Does you W still say I Love You? Do you or would you believe her if she did/does? My W doesn't say ILY. I want her too, but I want her to mean it when she does say it. I guess they can mean it and not mean it at the same time, right?
My job isn't keeping me busy enough today, so I'm writing a lot here on the boards. I guess I need to connect with people today too. But I too am getting stronger. I'm in pain, I'm worried, but I'm not as tense, as upset, as worried as I've been in the past.
The reading that Smurf has put together here about MLC is helpful, but frightening. I don't envy you at all. I really hope my W doesn't follow the path, although if she has to go through it, I kind of wish she would get on with it and get it over with. If it's going to take years, lets get moving.
I just talked on the phone to my friend. His girlfriend left him, but wanted to keep the door open. He said no, either you're with me or you're not. He told me he is feeling stronger and better all the time. He is feeling she has done him a favor. He's realizing that he was doing all the giving and getting very little in return. I was going to try to talk him into giving the DB method a try, but he seems to be doing well. I can imagine both of us feeling a bit of relief if we do end up separating from our Ws. I imagine it will hurt, but there might be good alternatives out there too ;-)
do you ever listen to internet radio? If you've got the time and are interested, 2 of my favorite stations are on the web. They are both very eclectic (or wierd if you prefer). they are http://www.kgnu.org and http://www.radio1190.org. another fun one is http://www.weru.org.
Sun is shining, life goes on, and there is still good in it. Hope you are feeling well.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Sorry you're feeling sad today. I hope it's not "shock" and take your breath away sad. I guess we all go back there. sigh. Try not to get your hope up about her popping up out of the tunnel. I know it's hard not to, but it'll only hurt you. I have this wierd meditation that I do where I focus on a new R with H at the same time without expectations for it. Sounds bizarre I know, but it works for me. If you haven't tried meditating, just to sit quietly and breathe, it can do wonders.
LiN, on the few occasions we have seen each other recently she hasn't said ILY but said it frequently during the 2 months she was at home and seeing OM. I re read her numerous texts saying it and just don't believe it because of what she put me through. The words seem hollow.
2 weeks in to the separation was the first time I saw her and I said as she was leaving 'I still love you'. She said 'you too'. I think she does love me, as much as she's capable at the moment, but as a friend. I think she would be very wary of saying that, however, because she wouldn't know what my reaction would be. And I'm not about to say it. It actually matters to me less now anyway. It's just words at the end of the day and actions are far more important, I've learnt.
I am my own worst enemy at times. The last few days I have allowed my hopes to rise and that's what has lead to the shock feeling again.
Last night W came round to see D while I was late at work. My mum said W seemed ok and was much more upbeat with D. This was another wake up call to me. It could be a mood swing up or it could be her starting to recover. Either way, it doesn't look like she's coming out of the tunnel any time soon.
She left me a note to ask if she could see D on Saturday rather than Sunday in spite of the fact that I have said many times that we now do things on a Saturday morning (D's swimmimg lessons). Also she mentioned to D about taking her to the pictures one night next week when I'd said on Sunday I thought that was a bad idea during the week as it would finish too late. It's like she doesn't listen to what I say about arrangements and just goes ahead with doing what she wants to do anyway. And she doesn't discuss it with me first before mentioning to D so I look like the bad guy when I say no.
When I speak to her at the weekend about it, she'll say she forgot what I said, I'm sure, which is probably true as her memory is shot at the moment. Any other parents have similar experiences?
Trying to have more of a PMA today. Thanks for the meditation tip, Grace. I certainly find breathing exercises help with the anxiety levels.
Don't know why I have the panic feeling back this week. I was really doing so well. Maybe it was because I saw W for the first time in a fortnight on Sunday. Maybe it's just part of the process. All I know is this is the feeling I'm least able to cope with.
Had a text from W asking if I'd decided about the weekend yet. I just got back and said the Saturday wouldn't be possible as we do stuff on Saturdays now, as I'd said before. She hasn't got back to me on that so I've probably annoyed her, but I can't keep saying the same things over and over again like she does.
Everything I've read about MLCers and the OP says they will think they're in love, it's like a drug etc. I guess I'm a bit confused as W has always said she doesn't have strong feelings for him and can't see herself having them. From what I know from what my friend said the other night, things don't appear to be changing on that front. My mum thinks she's just so selfish at the moment that she's using him too.
Does anyone else have experience of an OP who the WAS/MLCer doesn't seem to love?
Today is one of those days when I really wish this wasn't happening to me.
