Now Surviving Separation

[Heartbroken]

Just journalin'

Talked to H for our daily 11:30 lunch call - he called as scheduled.

H was light and happy. We talked about kids, H said he had to get lottery ticket - I said winning 350 million would only complicate his issues. H said he'd run off with Heather Locklear (this has been a long time joke since we were dating - he was always going to run off w/Heather if he came into millions). I got sensitive and said that's not funny... he apologized and said he was being insensitive. I told him the pattern I am seeing (or realized this AM) H gets mean with me and lashes out when Ow is putting the pressure to him. H said "I am starting to see things in a new light, please bear with me. You said it took a long time to get here and it will be awhile before it gets fixed." WTH --now do I read positives into THAT???? My head is spinning.

We got back to some light convo - me making him laugh and then I ended it (I ALWAYS do now) and said goodbye.

I know I just need to continue with my goals and keep the faith - I just pray he's not stringing me along....

[~Sol]

Heartbroken,

I think we all get those same feelings, that our spouses are just hanging long enough because it's convenient for them and they are not really set on working on the marriage or of their own feelings. It's the waiting part that sucks, and it tests us.

But I am seeing that I too need to use this time wisely and work on my own issues, one of them being some major insecurity about my M, but looking at our sitches, it goes to reason. I do think however that 98% of our insecurities are created by us in our heads. We worry when we shouldn't. Try not to read into anything, it does no good. I only see what my W does for me and the family - her actions are all that really matter and count right now.

[lovelyolive]

Theoden - Thanks for the words of wisdom. I guess that I've always likened this whole situation to a death (the death of our marriage as we know them) and it makes sense that being in this limbo land gets us stuck in the stages of grief. We just keep cycling through.I know that when I get stuck in the "anger" phase that is when I lash out and lose control.

HB - My H has been saying pretty much the same thing.. to hang in there.. that he's working through this. I guess it's a positive in that they're not telling us to get lost! Sometimes I feel like he's playing me for a fool as well.. I guess that's because we are opening ourselves up to someone who has not been honest with us. No matter what, how can we ever regret that we are being honest, open, and loving to the men that we committed our lives to??

[theoden]

Heartbroken,

Keep it up. You will win.

Things may get better for a while, then worse, then better, then worse, then better.

Don't attach too much weight to any particular conversation, day or season -- negative or positive.

Give thanks for the positive.

Learn from and then ignore the negative.

The important thing is that you are consisitent in your DB activities.

DB women are the hottest ;-)

You go girl.

--Theoden

[~Sol]

Lonely Olive,

I share your frustration. With me, I feel that my W is not being openly honest yet. Maybe she's not ready, maybe she has all this guilt built up inside about the affair and doesn't want to be exposed as the spouse that did wrong to her husband? But she has not opened up about it, only about what's wrong with ME. So I am working on me, not talking about her faults right now, and patiently waiting - waiting to see if I can continue on with her and her faults. So all we can really do is try until we cannot try any longer. Just know that you have friends here! And we share this uncommon bond in what we are all going through.

[~Sol]

Hey Theo you have some wise words to share.

You can be a little blunt, but that's what we need from time to time. Tell it like it is, but get ready for that "ouch".

All of you keep your spirits up!!!!

And I agree with Theo - DB women are the hottest!!!
You women rock!

Sol.

[Heartbroken]

Well another night done..

H and I talked when I got to the house last night and he reiterated that he and Ow are having issues. "The R is all changed due to it no longer being a secret.." H stopped himself from going on 'cuz he knows I do not need to hear about them. He looks so sad and much older. I wish he could see this is all killing his spirit. How can he think this "R" is good for him when it makes him SO sad and has altered his physical appearance so much...

I told him I have been nothing but honest with him from the start and have continued to be that way. H said he knows this. I sometimes wonder if he doubts our ability to get it back since his character has done some pretty awful things.

[~Sol]

Heartbroken, that he and OW are having "issues" is a good thing!

He will come back to a loving and forgiving W. Right now I believe he will need you more than ever. Look at this as a very good thing, OK? Just let him come back on his own - don't pressure! I made that mistake, but they will come back if they know they have a future at home.

It will take time, you're in it for the long haul.
Thinking of you!

Take care!

[Heartbroken]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!

I want to believe SOOOOOOO bad that it was a good sign from him - I see/hear how we are bantering/kidding and having good convos together and on the phone - just like old times. But I am so scared to 'read' to much into it and set myself up for heartache again.

I will continue DBing more than ever and be his supportive positive side he can depend on. Patience Patience Patience...

H has the kids tonight so I can grocery shop and then he has them overnight Friday while I have the Girls Night at my house. I do feel better/stroger with my GAL and this I have been doing for ME all along so it now comes naturally...

Thanks for your positive words YOU MADE MY DAY!!!!

[theoden]

Heartbroken,

Good for you. Your doing great.

You don't have to hell H how honest you are, how wonderful you are. He knows it.

Also, I think, the progidal generally doesn't come home until he's squandered his inheritance. You H hasn't done that. It's going to need to get worse for him before he changes his mind and "comes to his senses." The OW is going to get really bitchy, and he'll start to remember how good the relationship with you is.

And remember, if he came home tomorrow -- if your relationaldynamic remains the same, the marriage is no stronger than before. You need to keep GAL, growing stronger, asking for what you want, helping your H ask for what he wants, setting boundaries, and respecting yourself.

A friend told me that most marriages end, not because they are bad, but because they are lackluster. Good people in good marriages have affairs.

--Theoden