I understand what you are struggling with. First off, the analogy of the brown dog is easy. Who cares if it's a black or brown dog? In that situation, it's easy to decide to be happy instead of right. But other times it's harder to decide. What if it's about where you move, your career or your kids? It's not so much about being right, as having your needs met.
Quote:
At what point do we call it like it is, if ever? Or do we (being the left behinders) contanstly struggle with never rocking the boat for fear of throwing our spouses overboard
I remember feeling this very same way when I first started rebuilding with my WAS. Did I have to be a rug under his feet, keeping my mouth shut tight like a good little wife for the rest of our M? The answer is NO. The question is how long do we subordinate our needs for our WAS. You do at first when you start back up with the WAS. You have to build up a new history of as much comfort, pleasure, agreement as possible.
At a certain point you are going to have to introduce your own needs. I might decide to call the brown dog black for the rest of my life. But I do have something to say about the big stuff that impacts my quality of life. When does this certain point occur? For me, it occurred two years after H and I had been separated. I was finally ready to move on without H, if that needed to happen. So I realized, there was no reason not to tell him what my needs were, even if they clashed with his ideas. Of course, the key is to do it in a gently, respectful way..."I understand your point about...I appreciate that you...We both need to be happy and I'm going to need XYZ."
If your H can not meet your needs, (and make sure you pick just one or two things at a time that are MOST important), then your M will never work anyway. So what's the point in not communicating them to your H? But you have to wait to do this until you are sure what your needs are and you have regained the confidence to know that you will be just fine on your own, should your H not be able to meet your needs. And also, keep in mind that if your H is like mine, he will not emphatically agree with your needs at first. You have to first meet his needs and give it some time to sink in. The hope is that after you have done that, the WAS will be much more generous toward you and be willing to meet your needs.
