Once again, you guys are so awesome. Thank you for another wonderful day of keeping me "in check."

Sorry that I'm checking in so late today. I went to the doctor this morning, and I totally lost it while I was there... It's really the first time I've talked to ANYONE about this in person. However, I did NOT even tell him what was going on as far as OW, etc. I just told him I was having some serious marital problems and needed something to help my nerves, etc. So, I am happy to report that Xanax is my new friend! \:D He gave me three new medications to help get me "back in the saddle." Boy, was I grateful. 1210, I did NOT cry last night, but I did as soon as I got up this morning and couldn't stop! I cried on my way to the doctor's appointment, at the doctor's appointment, after the doctor's appointment... Then I got the Xanax and - poof - twilight zone! I know, that's not a great place to be all the time, but it helped me so much today. It just dulled the pain. I still feel horrible inside, but it just wasn't affecting me physically as much, which helped. So he gave me something else to help me sleep better and then a third thing for a more long-term anxiety stabilizer, as the Xanax is just for "crisis-mode" that I'm going through right now. I was really anxious about going in to the doctor (it's so hard for me to admit that I need help - part of my "control" issues). That's probably why I was so upset this morning and crying so much. But now I'm so glad that I did. And I didn't have to tell him exactly what was going on, which I just really did not want to do, so that was good.

At any rate, I ended up having to take the Xanax twice today, as I got weepy again this afternoon. I am now exhausted, as it made me really tired, but that's probably what I need for now. As I said, I know this is no long-term fix, but the state I was in - it just wasn't a good thing, and it was making it so incredibly hard to focus on the task at hand - to work on becoming a better me...

He also suggested that I get therapy, and I wanted to ask you guys your thoughts on this. He said he thought I should see an individual therapist to help with just verifying any "boundaries" that I need to set for "whatever it is that I'm going through," etc. He gave me a recommendation for a therapist, and I spoke with her this evening. She doesn't do actual "marital therapy" per se; she more does individual counseling but does deal with relationship issues and anxiety issues mainly. I'm just not sure if it would be better for me to still see a marital therapist but obviously just go by myself? What do you guys think? I know I need to work on some individual things with me, but I also want some expert advice on then applying what I'm learning toward fixing my marriage. Do you think I would be better served by talking to a DB coach? I just don't know...

Lin, thank you for patiently answering all of my rambling questions. You know, it was funny that you said at the end to not ask the same questions again, as when I was typing some of my questions yesterday, I thought to myself "you know, I'm doing the SAME THING on this board - I'm asking questions again and again in different ways because I'm so desperate to get confirmation and reassurance, etc." I'm just not good at accepting what is said and letting it go. I guess that's part of the whole self-confidence issue? Anyway, I AM up for the challenge of not asking questions again that you've already answered, and I will work on that. However, please keep in mind the fragile state that I'm working myself through right now and try to think back to how it felt to be there... To that end, if you are able to keep encouraging me without me asking for it and keep telling me that I CAN do this and that I CAN SAVE MY MARRIAGE, that really helps me so much, as long as you genuinely mean it when you are saying it.

So, as far as the taking care of our own personal things now, I'm up for that. I will take care of the household things that need to be done - car, any repairs, lawn, etc. I am kind of feeling funny about the finances, though. It just feels weird to be going on with life as if nothing has changed, if that makes sense? On the one hand, I don't want to separate bank accounts and each have our own money and that sort of thing, but is that what I need to do at this point? It's hard because I do handle all of the banking - both for the business and our personal accounts - and it would be logistically a bit odd to change that, but I suppose I could suggest that he get his own separate bank account, and I could just give him some money from the business? But then how do I figure out how much? And if I do that, it hurts me to even think about it, because I feel like I'm starting to work towards us officially separating, and I don't want that... I don't know. Thoughts? It just feels weird to have him decide he wants to lead this separate life with her but then still have everything connected to me. Does that make sense?

In the same regard, what about our home? I got some advice from someone else on this board that I should pack up the rest of his things and tell him to officially move out. At this point, he's just simply packed a bag of clothes and his toiletries - as if he's on "vacation" or something. EVERYTHING else he owns is still at home, and he has A TON OF STUFF!!! Is it right for him to be staying with OW and still have the freedom to come home whenever he wants and have me just "keep all of his stuff" here? Again, I don't WANT to ask him to leave, but at the same time, is it right for him to be doing this and not officially move out and deal with those consequences? Am I making this too easy for him? Or do I just don't do/say anything and just let it be?

I guess what this boils down to is that, as Lin suggested, if I do need to respect his feelings and his decision right now to be with OW, then does that mean he needs to pay the piper and make his decision more "official" by separating finances, moving ALL of his stuff out, etc.? Believe me, that's not what I want, and I certainly don't want to do anything to scare him away and make him make a "FINAL" decision to end our marriage because I've now made him angry. But I'm listening to what you're telling me to do, which is to detach and separate from him. So why should he still be able to then keep his stuff at home and have me take care of his finances? I don't know. Tell me what you think. I just don't want to do anything to push him out the door...

I've also been thinking more and more about the business. You haven't told me what you guys think about whether you feel like I'm being manipulative/selfish/whatever in my feelings that I don't feel like I want to stay in the business with him if we're not going to be a couple. At this point, my feelings haven't changed about that. I still feel all of the same things that I've already shared with you. We built this business based on reaching shared goals and dreams. If those dreams are shattered for me, yes, I'll have to make new ones, but I feel like I want to just start fresh. I don't want to have to look at a house that we bought together anymore. It just hurts too much. But he told me during our talk the other day that it really hurt him when I had told him in our trip that I didn't know if I wanted to contribute what I brought to our business so that he could share that success with someone else. He said that really bothered him. When I had said that to him at the time, he had come back with something like that he just wanted me to be happy and that I could build new dreams and goals. I honestly didn't mean to hurt him, and I feel bad about that, but at the same time, I guess maybe he doesn't see my point of view since he has someone else now and doesn't feel the intense sense of loss that I do. I don't know. He got tears in his eyes the other day when he told me what a great team we make (as business partners). I know he doesn't want to lose that, and I love how we work together as well and all that we've accomplished. But it just hurts so much, and I feel like I want to share this business with my H, and if that's no longer him, then maybe I just want to start over again by myself for now... But tell me from the outside looking in - would this just be a ploy to try to get him to give me another chance? Is it selfish? I don't want to be that way, and I want him to be successful - I really do. And I know it would set us both back a long, long ways to sell all we've acquired and split it and start over. But I just don't think I want to be in this with him if we're not together. It just hurts too much. I don't feel like I EVER would want to know about what he does with her or have her at our houses or projects or have to see her - it makes me sick to even think about it. And if we stayed business partners, that would be inevitable in time. I just don't want to make someone else happy who played a part in breaking up my marriage, but I don't want to punish him - I guess I just want him to have to rebuild his own happiness with her, if that's what he chooses. I'm having to rebuild my life and make some changes, so maybe if he's going to take the easy way out and end our marriage he should have to do the same and build a new life for himself without me in it...

So I want your honest feedback on this issue - please let me know if you think I'm way out of line here with how I'm feeling. But if I do continue to feel this way about our business and you don't think I'm wrong/crazy for feeling that way, are you sure that I don't need to say something to him at this point that if we aren't able to reconcile down the line that at this point my feeling is that I won't want to continue the business so that if he wants to handle things differently now we can? I don't want to be unfair to him.

Gosh, I'm exhausted, guys (which is probably a good thing). I know I still have some things I want to respond to that you said, so I'll write more tomorrow. 1210, real quick, you asked about why I felt the need to talk him to death about the business. It's just because I guess I thrive on any sort of contact I can have with him, and I prolong it so that I can just talk to him. I know that's not a good thing to be doing right now, so I'm going to work on that.

Oh, real quick, I should give you an update of how my interactions went with H today. He called this morning when I was at the doctor and left two messages about business items. I didn't feel like talking to him after the doctor, so I didn't call him back for about 3 hours. We played phone tag for several hours and then finally talked for maybe 15 minutes about business stuff. I had to call him maybe two more times after that for quick business things, and then that was it. I didn't see him today at all. Kind of a depressing day, but I'm guessing you're going to tell me that it was good that we didn't have much contact, right? ;\)

No positive baby step signs from him yet. I can only hope that as I work towards getting back in the saddle again things will start to improve - slowly. I also can only hope that as he gets more "settled in" with OW that maybe the newness will start to wear off there and it won't be so appealing to him anymore.

Anyway, enough of a marathon post for tonight. As always, thanks for the wonderful advice again. I am happy to report that I have not asked about the OW or our R since our bad conversation on Friday! \:\) However, I have talked about future plans for the business, and that's probably not a good thing, especially since at this point my heart is telling me that I don't want a future business with him if this doesn't work out with our R. Again, 1210, it's just me trying to somehow find a way to stay close to him. But if I talk about the future of the business, I'm now giving HIM false hope in that he may think that I've decided to stay in business with him regardless of what happens with our R...

Got to get to bed now! I'll look forward to hearing your thoughts... THANK YOU!!!