Theoden - I'm sorry I make you sad. I know it's such a hard thing. I am so amazed by all of the things you've been doing to fix/improve your relationship. I wish you all the best - it seems like you so genuinely love your wife and want to make it work. I also admire how deep you are and how you can talk about all of the issues you talk about on this site. It is that kind of communication that I crave...I crave some kind of reaction at all from my husband. I have wanted that all along. One of my big fears is that he simply cannot even go there in terms of emotions, feelings, opinions, etc. He has NEVER been able to share and throwing it all out on the table and being open and spilling my guts...I've done that all along for years and years with no response. If I were to go a step further now and tell him about my affair, the OM, and all of my deepest, darkest secrets and feelings, I am afraid even then I'll get nothing from him...and then what? I don't know...
And you are SO RIGHT about me...I do want control and I want things on my terms...and right now I think I am just okay with the status quo, the easy way...I keep trying to figure out the right time to blow it all apart. Do I wait till after our next vacation that is already planned and paid for? Do I wait till after my son finishes high school? Etc....I am just so conscious every moment of the end result of screwing up everyone's lives that I'm just willing to hang here in a state of confusion...and justify it by saying to myself that I deserve to be in confusions and that my H really doesn't care about our relationship anyway, so what's the difference if we just keep things the way they are...
I think my H probably does suffer from depression and low self-esteem. He would never admit it though. He has made a couple of steps in the right direction for himself. I got him into starting some exercising and it is funny...I started this thinking it would improve our relationship, but it ended up hurting it more for me, because rather than him sharing his experiences with me, he ignores talking about me about it, but talks to other people and brags about what he is doing. And never talks to me...it is like I am nothing to him...
As for me and the OM, I think he really knows how I feel about him without the words. He senses things are wrong with my M, but we recognize that we have a friendship bond. I have thought many times about ending it, but I like his friendship too much. The reason the physical part of the A stopped is because of him, not wanting to risk his family. And I was going to end it then, when I realized we weren't going to see each other anymore, but something just draws us to each other - it is the friendship and connection we have. We don't have to get all mushy with "I love you" words...it just is what it is. My H has told me he loves me a million times, yet I don't feel it from him. The OM has never and will never say that to me, but he has told me that I am a very special person and that he values my friendship above anything. And that means more to me than a million fake I love yous. Because his relationship with me is a choice that he made because he likes me...he is not forced to be in a relationship with me because of an institution that was determined 20 years ago.
I am definitely listening to all you have said to me. It is all good advice and I will analyze it like I analyze everything...as for why I am on this forum? I think I am looking for someone to be in a similar situation...the problem is, on this forum, it seems like I'm the only one to have HAD an affair or to be wanting to leave the M. It seems like everyone on here is in the reverse situation - they are the ones who were hurt because the other person wanted to leave and now they are doing the divorce busting. I am the one who wants to leave and I am searching out some reason to stay - trying to figure out how I can possible come up with a sliver of love for my H. I wish I could find a woman who has been in my situation - someone who had an A or is having one, and had all but given up on her H, but somehow found a way to love him again...
I think we all cry inside everyday...but regardless of all of this, there are a lot of really happy times too.
