NJ, if he doesn't want to join the board, why not create your own private board with emails? Email him what you want to say to him and then y'all can discuss it. (You can do the teasing and hard to get stuff in emails, too.)
Lil, You know, he is hardly on the computer, incredible isn't it? I mean, if the computer isn't working for some reason, I feel lost!
I like your suggestion. I am finding I do better communicating in written form, yet writing letters seems like such a formality now that I am used to being on the computer. Doing cell phone texting is stuff my kids and their friends do...too adolescent. Must think about this....
Interestingly, I had a friend who would communicate with her H through a stuffed animal. They'd pick up the animal and talk in third person when they had to air out difficult things, you know, like, " Mr. Cuddly Bear thinks blahblahblah." Helped to make it all less threatening...this intimacy stuff sure is scary!
Hi NJ It seems like you and H are keeping a pretty regular SL with the schedule, no? At least a couple times a week it seems. That is one plus. I'm lucky if I get some action once a month. And I hear you about the written communication, especially the texting. I wouldn't even know how to do it. Lol. I do email with H but never about any "serious" topics. Maybe that is a good idea though. Something to think about. I don't think Mr. Cuddle Bear would work for me. Good luck though. I find it's easier to have THE SEX and much harder to keep up with the INTIMACY. Guess that's not hard to understand. Hope it works out for you.
LFL, It seems you have to work on the relationship to improve the sex life, and simultaneously you work on the sex life to improve the relationship. And it all takes time, especially in my case, where the problems went on for many years. The NOPs make it look easy but they are two very special people...I have to remember that it's taken years to get to such a low point, that it will probably take years for significant improvement. I am grateful for the changes that have already occurred, and have faith that by doing what I am doing, in time things will fall into place. It just may take a long time,lol. I have read that intimacy is helping each other to become the best we can be. I like that definition.
Update: H and I had a very nice nite last nite. He was working on a house project, but instead of getting overly absorbed and distracted with it ( which can happen with him), he remembered I wanted some intimate time. He made an effort to set a romantic atmosphere, with candles and incense. We were loving and connected, and it wasn't about the sex, as it was that time of month. Oh-I had made a really good dinner beforehand. Ribs in the crockpot, which he loved. He's taking me out to dinner tonite.
I am realizing one source of hurt comes from something Fearless mentioned on her thread about her XH, that he was addicted to EA's. This was going on in my marriage too. There was always some woman friend my H had, even early on in our marriage. Typically she was an older woman, maybe a mother figure, who was supportive of him, and really there for him. I was excluded. There was a secretive element to it all. There is one woman who still calls from time to time, but he now tells me about it.
Like Fearless, I never really put my foot down about this situation. Part of it was I didn't understand these were EA's, and part of it was that I felt helpless to stop it. Maybe I was in denial about how much it affected me.
So, I am still addressing hurts from the past as I move forward. I know I have been a good wife, and I see that H is putting more and more into the marriage. Those are the good signs. But we have a lot of history to overcome...guess that's why it's taking so long.
update: This weekend I asked my H how much effort he feels he's putting into the mariage and how much he wants us to work. To both, he replied, " One hundred percent." For me, the next step in the growth process is to have some faith in him and to take a step back. I am not going to keep up with my own thread, as I tend to overanalyze and pick things apart too much. I'll post when I really have some major conflict. But it's not going to stop me from picking apart everyone else's situations, so beware!
"For me, the next step in the growth process is to have some faith in him and to take a step back"
That sounds like a plan!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
am not going to keep up with my own thread, as I tend to overanalyze and pick things apart too much. I'll post when I really have some major conflict. But it's not going to stop me from picking apart everyone else's situations, so beware!
Oh, I see how it is. I finally start a thread and you decide to avoid yours..nice. J/K
I know what you mean about over-analyzing. Not always the best approach. As they say, often the easiest answer is the correct answer. Or something like that. I'm pretty much in your spot myself. Things are cruising along very nicely and I don't want to dissect every interaction. Having some "faith" in the R as you said sounds like a good plan.
