Discussion on MrsCAC4 thread - Making assumptions

[haphazard]

The thing about Cobra is he just won't let up until he's got it. That's a very cool thing about him but it can also be an annoying thing about him. If you get past being annoyed and let him "get it" then he can come up with the most amazing insights that you wouldn't get anywhere else - and all for free

Fearless, your xH sounds very much like my H. He too had a very happy childhood with parents who doted on him. He too cannot bear to cause anyone pain - and I actually think that this is more his natural make-up and would have been that way whoever brought him up because our s7 has the exact same trait. If s7 does something bad it is extremely difficult to pull him up about it. The mere flick of an eye in his direction is enough to cause him such intense shame that he will immediately turn the tables and make the person who has merely noticed what he did into the bad guy for making him feel his shame.

I have been working on this with him by just keeping up the pressure, following him to his room as he screams abuse at me (this will be for looking a bit shocked or stern that he hit his sister say), staying with him until the main anger subsides, talking to him about why I am not the bad guy and in the end just asking him to talk to God about it and then leave him for 10 minutes. Then ask him to think of a way to make up for it. The making up part is essential because it makes everything right again. This does work but it is extremely difficult and I can easily see how parents could fail to do this for someone who has that trait. They must be made to face the pain of their shame and become more inured to that feeling. Shame is necessary to know when we have done wrong but the ultra sensitive person who feels shame so intensely is a very hard person to deal with. The problem is it is counter-intuitive to keep pushing in the face of such over-sensitivity.

Like you say Fearless your xH is not a bad guy but the degree to which he had to protect himself from shame was such that it was inevitable that he cast you in the role of bad person. Some people just have that extra sensitivity to shame and others are shamed by crappy FOO, or siblings or peers or whatever.


Fran