Sometimes I can just be and it is as if the past was never ugly and life is just so full. And today is one of those days. Actually I have had alot of those days. Lately anyway. And MY GOD it feels d*mn good.

Even before the bomb I used to own so much of what he did and make it somehow all my fault and close myself off and I was not feeling loved at all...


H~
you hurt me and you left me all alone you put me last you only were there when you needed to feel close and Ml to me and then I felt used I did not know that was your way of saying ILY and I need to be close to you w/o words. I am so sorry I did not know ~
AND your silence was kiling me.

If only I had known that every caress and every kiss meant so much to you. I could have read betweeen the lines and avoided all the pain you put me thru just awhile ago. I could feel it coming losing you and your heart and I just kept praying but I needed to get off my knees long enough to look in the mirror and stop walking around like a ZOMBIE and fill myself up with love and love myself enough to respect me and to put me first too it is ok it does not mean I do not love you or the kids. I was trying so hard to be everything that I was nothing.
I was not even me anymore. It was like I was drowning and just trying to keep my head above the water but never swimming and enjoying the water and how it feels on my skin and they way the water smells... I was not living really~
It is over now and even though it almost killed me my heart was just ready to give up and I just kept on and I am still fighting for our love and what can be. I know you love me and sometimes i just wish you would let your armor down,, I really feel like it has been up for years and there are rare moments when I see the real you and you are there and you are vulnerable and I can really see you.I just want to live in Harmony with you and enjoy the rest of my time here with you. I dont want material things I just want you all of YOU. I dont know if you understand that. I dont think you do~
I cried so hard when you said it was over and I felt like I could not breathe and then it gradually got better and I got strong and thats when you started to come around when I got stronger ~ When I respected me and made you accountable and was not settling for anything but all of you not to share you with her. I shared with with too many people ( friends , lovers and other stuff to avoid me) and you were too lost. I think you started to see the me you fell in love with. I miss who I know we can be, please let me love you and stop fighting what can be so beautiful.

Please God help me to be the beautiful person that is here underneath all the tears help me believe in my strength more than my fear.


I found a letter TODAY~
I wrote to my H in Spanish last year on 4-2006.
I never gave it to him.
The letter is awesome and it made me cry. I am going to translate it and post it here soon~ It feels good ( cant find a better word than GOOD )to go thru the feelings and somehow just put them to rest and I hope my healing is more final and I do not have to weep anymore.
Scary part is he dropped the bomb a month later . He had been having an EA from JAN to middle of FEB. He said she was just a friend. They would talk about me and he would talk to her to try to figure me out. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH~

Thank COG for being sweet as usual. You make me feel so beautiful.

I think I must sound good too~
My H he was getting turned on by me just telling him how hard I am working at the GYM and all the weight I can lift now. And I think just the sheer Happiness and Serenity in my voice. I feel so alive and not bogged down by my fear~ And you know what it feels good to be alive and have the chance to transform my life like this,, I have been waitng toooooooooo damn long to live and I am NOW going to make up for lost time ~ I hope this drive stays with me for a long time.
Que Dios Te Bendiga~
Take care ~ Love, Ali
God bless,,,