Finding me....

[Delil@h]

I am feeling good again today. I am working out just about everyday now and I am getting stronger. I am not losing weight though... Oh well. I will keep trying. My H will be home next week and I am excited and at the same time petrified,, will I be able to show him me w/o fear in our bedroom how much I love him?
That is the million dolar question~ and that is like his big final exam for me..... is she enjoying herself and not holding back? OOOOOOOOH scary.
I cant even have a drink to loosen me up cause you arent supposed to drink on these meds~ oops. Well maybe just one , I had one the other day and I did not feel a damn thing. My Dr says you will not feel it and then you will just be lost. Bummer so I guess having a few drinks to loosen up is out of the question. Gees you would think I was an amatuer but I am not and I need to stop thinking ABOUT this and overanalizing ( sp?) myself. That is my nature though to be a perfectionist. I am sure the pure adrenaline of not having seen him in awhile will help.
My h called me a few times yesterday and he called me before I was about to go to bed and talked to me for over 50 minutes and that was very nice.. I told him I loved him and did not get one back but hey that is ok. And although I love to hear it he is a show me you love me type of guy and he said he and his family were watching a movie and he decided to call me so I guess that sure says alot. He is showing me he loves me. I must admit when I get the ILY's here and there I feel like I am on a cloud the whole day like a crazy love sick teenager
It is amazing how important love is in our lives and it just seems to make the day move better when you feel like your love is returned in some fashion. I love him regardless but it makes it so much sweeter when he loves me too. He is sooooooooooo damn stubborn though,, he said awhile ago when he feels like I am giving him all I can then he will do the same,,,,, he sure knows how to pressure a girl. I have accepted the challenge and hopefully one day I can say " I knocked his socks off and he is comfortable and he is sooooooooo Happy~"!

That is my goal.
... and if I lose weight too great but right now my M is the most important thing to me,, being smaller would be gerat but being Happy will be even better than that,, I am very certain of that~!

Sometimes I think about that he no longer wears his ring and he carries it in his wallet and I get sad~ but I need to let that one go too. And I am sure the tattoo is still there let it go Ali let it go... Sheesh if only this would be easy!
God bless...

[Delil@h]

Quick note to self ,, Pinch me I must be dreaming~!

My H just invited me to come see him his last few days in Mexico he misses me and wants to take me to the beach ( my fave place, he hates the beach).
If I go I would have to borrow the money from a Family member who will most likely borrow it to me... what do I do?
Part of me wants to go and part of me wants to stay. He said no pressure , but I know if I went he would be blown aaway. I am usually too cautious not too spontaneous.
HELP~!
God bless....

[COG]

Ali,

I am not losing weight though...

Muscle weighs more than fat. So as you get stronger, you might even get heavier, but keep an eye on your waist size, muscle tone, etc and less on the weight thing.

My H will be home next week and I am excited and at the same time petrified,, will I be able to show him me w/o fear in our bedroom how much I love him?

That is a big step Ali. I hope you realize it may not happen right away. You may have to work on it. Maybe if you even told your H that it's your goal, and ask him if he'll help you get there. I just don't know if it's a good idea to have high expectations of yourself upon your H's homecoming. It might be just the opposite, you might actually feel disappointed that he's home, or you might start your P or something. Or, he might not be in the mood. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

He is sooooooooooo damn stubborn though,, he said awhile ago when he feels like I am giving him all I can then he will do the same,,,,, he sure knows how to pressure a girl.

ARRRGHH! Why do these people make things so difficult? I hear ya, hopefully your efforts will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

I say, try prayer instead of alchohol to get you in the mood. Ask God to help you.

Ali, I think that no matter what happens, you'll be proud of yourself for trying, giving it all. If things work out well, your H turns on, then you'll have your beautiful M. If it does'nt, then you'll know you gave it all. Hopefully, there'll be a balance, an ebb and flow that you both can live with.

I'm excited for you, sounds like you're really growing and healing. Keep up the good work on YOU!

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Ali,

My H just invited me to come see him his last few days in Mexico he misses me and wants to take me to the beach ( my fave place, he hates the beach).

Well, my gut tells me you should drop everything and go, but I don't know. If you think it's going to break the bank, then there are alternatives. You could tell him that you miss him too, and you'll have a nice hot surprise waiting for him when he gets home. Just tell him you don't have the money, but you have the desire so he better be ready for romping when he gets home. That'll get him thinking. He'll probably take the first flight home! Not to mention, it might just create a little more intrigue. Maybe he's wondering why you sound so good, happy, fulfilled. It's intriguing, the waiting might even create more desire in you too.

This is something you ultimately need to decide. Pray about it, try to think logically, not emotionally, and if you decide not to go, work out an alternative plan to keep him engaged until you can get him home and work him over.

You can do this, you women are much better at this than we men are. You've got him moving towards you, just keep doing what your doing. Stay strong, don't let the ring or the tatoo affect you in the slightest. They're both material things that mean nothing. YOU are something, YOU mean something, YOU have no equal.

Go get um!

Love,

COG

[Delil@h]

YOU are something, YOU mean something, YOU have no equal.

This made me smile from ear to ear..... you are so sweet. Wow I like those words very much~ Thank you.

You are right I need to think logically.
So being a Woman... I have already looked up the flight info and it is a steal from my hometown to his hometown in Mexico @ $275.00,, lol. JUST KIDDING LADIES.
Yes the bank will be dry. So I will just keep the flirting going and keep being sexy one the phone too. The things he promised me on the beach are worth the trip alone...
Could work up a sweat just thinking about what he said.
WHEEW ~NICE.


.... but then again I will sleep on it and see what I feel like I should do tomorrow. Geez make up your mind Lady~

This is a funny sidenote ,, I went to the YMCA ( the gym ) this morning and I was lifting weights on the machine for your thighs/legs and I can lift 300 lbs. By pushing my leg back. So anyway I was sweating up a storm. (I do not rest much in between machines. )
And this sweet older man (with white hair mind you )says to me "WOW, YOU SURE ARE SWEATING ALOT !" And I smile and say "YES I KNOW." ( plus I had olive oil on my face which I put on before heading to the gym so I am sure I just looked EXTRA super shiny)
And then when I was done I walked by him a few minutes later and he winked at me with this huge grin on his face. I just smiled back.
I told my h this story and I told him how I thought it was funny and he said with a cute little kid voice " Perv#rt is more like it." Too hilarious.... I was laughing really hard. My H is too much.
So when we were about to hang up he said "Be good"....
it was 12 in the afternoon IS HE REALLY GETTING JEALOUS? Good Lord.
I dunno but he is being too cute lately. I like it alot.
God bless....

[Delil@h]

Ali, I think that no matter what happens, you'll be proud of yourself for trying, giving it all. If things work out well, your H turns on, then you'll have your beautiful M. If it does'nt, then you'll know you gave it all. Hopefully, there'll be a balance, an ebb and flow that you both can live with.

I'm excited for you, sounds like you're really growing and healing. Keep up the good work on YOU!

God Bless,

COG

COG,
You are such a blessing from God. Really. Your words have helped me more than you will ever know. I pray that God will bless you for helping me.
Like we say in Mexico " Que Dios te lo page.".
Literal translation " May God pay you back."
..( For a good deed)"
I am Mexican/Spanish but born and raised in Wisconsin,, imagine it Spanish with a Wisconsin accent just lovely.

And yes I feel like I am healing and it feels like a blessing I just wish I could have felt this way much SOONER. I think you are right about alot and I think if I just take it slow and just relax and be me it will be ok and I wont feel so apprehensive. I can be sexy, funny and sensual and alot of other stuff if I am just relaxed and feel safe and loved. He is really making me feel safe now. Him Inviting me is a big step for him cause his MOM ( now that is a whole other forum).... suffice to say him inviting me to come is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE~! So even if I do not go that in itself is a blessing.
Once again thank you COG for being you....
Take care and God bless...
Ali

[Delil@h]

I am about to go workout and yes I actually want to that is scary huh?
I called my h just a bit ago and woke him up I played a bit of one of his favorite roamntic songs from the 40's or 50's in Spanish for him and told him I loved him and I was about to go workout and for him to go back to sleep. He sounded happy and content and like he had a smile on his face. Now I have even more Energy to face my day.

I am feeling good and I told him also the awesome price I could get the ticket for at least he knows I looked it up and I will most likely stay here and wait for him to come home. I can talk to him about that later.

I feel very serene these last few days and just yesterday I got a little nervous and I need to keep working on not absorbing others anger or pain. Or worry to much. This has always been very hard for me. When I saw a lady at the vets office years ago cry b/c her dog had to get put down I started to tear up TOO~ SHEESH!

And my H always teases me and says " OH IS MY BABY GONNA CRY ,, OR HE RUBS MY ARM WHEN I AM TRYING TO BE STRONG AND BITE MY LIP AND NOT CRY ... TO GET ME TO CRY." He is so silly.

Have a Super beautiful day and SMILE~
God bless....

[COG]

Ali,

" Que Dios te lo page." back to you. You deserve it, and you are such a blessing to us also.

I'm also proud of your H for giving your M another chance. He's not perfect, but I admire him for staying with it and for loving you like he does.

Keep on taking good care of yourself, physically and mentally. It definately seems to be helping you. Your attitude sounds very attractive.

A Spanish Mexican from Wisconsin, that is funny. What a mixed up accent you must have. I live in California and I LOVE Mexican food. We are rich in it here. There's a Mexican restaurant or taco stand on almost every corner in my town. Good stuff too, authentic.

Well you have a great day and smile alot today too!

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Ali,

I told my h this story and I told him how I thought it was funny and he said with a cute little kid voice " Perv#rt is more like it." Too hilarious.... I was laughing really hard. My H is too much.
So when we were about to hang up he said "Be good"....
it was 12 in the afternoon IS HE REALLY GETTING JEALOUS?

Oh gee, let me think about it??? Duh! He's stuck in some podunk town in Mexico, and your out sweating with the oldies. Oh you two are gonna have some fun when he gets home. Maybe I need to go to Mexico for a month or two?

God Bless,

COG

[Delil@h]

Sometimes I can just be and it is as if the past was never ugly and life is just so full. And today is one of those days. Actually I have had alot of those days. Lately anyway. And MY GOD it feels d*mn good.

Even before the bomb I used to own so much of what he did and make it somehow all my fault and close myself off and I was not feeling loved at all...


H~
you hurt me and you left me all alone you put me last you only were there when you needed to feel close and Ml to me and then I felt used I did not know that was your way of saying ILY and I need to be close to you w/o words. I am so sorry I did not know ~
AND your silence was kiling me.

If only I had known that every caress and every kiss meant so much to you. I could have read betweeen the lines and avoided all the pain you put me thru just awhile ago. I could feel it coming losing you and your heart and I just kept praying but I needed to get off my knees long enough to look in the mirror and stop walking around like a ZOMBIE and fill myself up with love and love myself enough to respect me and to put me first too it is ok it does not mean I do not love you or the kids. I was trying so hard to be everything that I was nothing.
I was not even me anymore. It was like I was drowning and just trying to keep my head above the water but never swimming and enjoying the water and how it feels on my skin and they way the water smells... I was not living really~
It is over now and even though it almost killed me my heart was just ready to give up and I just kept on and I am still fighting for our love and what can be. I know you love me and sometimes i just wish you would let your armor down,, I really feel like it has been up for years and there are rare moments when I see the real you and you are there and you are vulnerable and I can really see you.I just want to live in Harmony with you and enjoy the rest of my time here with you. I dont want material things I just want you all of YOU. I dont know if you understand that. I dont think you do~
I cried so hard when you said it was over and I felt like I could not breathe and then it gradually got better and I got strong and thats when you started to come around when I got stronger ~ When I respected me and made you accountable and was not settling for anything but all of you not to share you with her. I shared with with too many people ( friends , lovers and other stuff to avoid me) and you were too lost. I think you started to see the me you fell in love with. I miss who I know we can be, please let me love you and stop fighting what can be so beautiful.


Please God help me to be the beautiful person that is here underneath all the tears help me believe in my strength more than my fear.


I found a letter TODAY~
I wrote to my H in Spanish last year on 4-2006.
I never gave it to him.
The letter is awesome and it made me cry. I am going to translate it and post it here soon~ It feels good ( cant find a better word than GOOD )to go thru the feelings and somehow just put them to rest and I hope my healing is more final and I do not have to weep anymore.
Scary part is he dropped the bomb a month later . He had been having an EA from JAN to middle of FEB. He said she was just a friend. They would talk about me and he would talk to her to try to figure me out. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH~

Thank COG for being sweet as usual. You make me feel so beautiful.

I think I must sound good too~
My H he was getting turned on by me just telling him how hard I am working at the GYM and all the weight I can lift now. And I think just the sheer Happiness and Serenity in my voice. I feel so alive and not bogged down by my fear~ And you know what it feels good to be alive and have the chance to transform my life like this,, I have been waitng toooooooooo damn long to live and I am NOW going to make up for lost time ~ I hope this drive stays with me for a long time.
Que Dios Te Bendiga~
Take care ~ Love, Ali

God bless,,,