HD, The whole thing is so stupid...except it's not,lol. I am noticing that he's less controlling and uptight; there's more levity in the air.
On a side note, I made some connections in my personal therapy. I asked my brother if it was my imagination or did mom really adore me and then stop loving me through adolescence? He said that was the time mom went crazy because the sister she revered had cancer and was dying. He said he remembered my mother crying a lot in her bedroom, and he felt bad for me because he was going off to college. I completely blanked out about the fact my mother would take me to visit her sister in the hospital and leave me in the lobby. I would watch the people coming in and out and make up stories about them. My brother said my father did everything around the house, including taking care of me, helping him with college stuff, working full time, etc. I wonder why I forgot all of this.
Hey NJ, I am only just now gettign familiar with your sitch, so forgive me if I am giving counter-productive advice.
I understand waht you're saying about the planned component. We women like to get in the mood and mentally prepare. I get taht -- totally. But I also totally understandn why your H wants it to be spontaneous. I've had similar conversations with my H. I also understand that when he starts coming on to you and announces that he wants sex, that you're not exactly turned on by that. But he is. So maybe there can be a give and take here where sometimes it is spontaneous (even if you don't enjoy it)... that way you're meeting one of his needs. BUT, there needs to be a good dose of the planned aspect and the mental preparation so you can have more of the seductive, romantic foreplay so that you WILL enjoy it.
I'm sure you've gotten lots of good advice from the experts here (which I am not). Just offring my opinion.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Hairdog, Thanks for the hugs...I've decided it sucks growing up. Uh-oh, now Lil will tell me I am being too 4-ish in a bad way.
PS...Ultimately achieving a compromise is where the gold is. That's what loving people do. For a long time I have felt he was making up his mind about really being in this relationship. The same could be said about me, but I was trying harder. I remain ever hopeful.
Yesterday was a non scheduled sex nite. We were watching tv til fairly late, and then H says he really wants to have sex. I remind him of the schedule and he is persistent. I really didn't know what to do so I went along with it.
I'm going to side with your H on this one. Why are you being so rigid with sticking to the schedule? Maybe I missed that part. I understand you are a planner but if your H isn't, you will need to compromise. Looks like that was the conclusion to the argument so that is good. Glad your therapy was helpful to you. You do sound sad though in many of your posts. I notice you keep writing that you are hopeful about the M but there seems to be not a lot of belief behind the statement. Maybe it's just too hard to read people's intentions on this board but that was the sense I was getting. Hang in there. Have some chocolates.
Hi LFL, I guess the schedule represents for me a chance to have some control over the timing and circumstances of ML. It got a little tiring just following my H's agenda...I guess when he then wanted me to reject his advances sometimes...well, the whole thing just got confusing. I began to feel like my needs weren't being met. I wanted back some control.
My communication style still leaves a lot to be desired. I have a tendency ( still) to not speak up til it gets too much for me, and then I'm overreactive. I have asked H to join the board here ( esp since there have been more couples lately)but he doesn't want to. He says that if I have anything to say to him to just say it right to him, he is listening. Well, he may listen but then he does what he wants anyway! I see your point about not making the schedule such an issue...I was just getting a little polarized, wanting things MY way.
He came home early tonight and is watching TV with my son. He has been VERY nice...snuggled with me a bit...mentioned he'd like to be intimate tomorrow nite ( which is not a scheduled nite). I will snap out of my lower level 4 stuff and make it a fun evening. Now where's the chocolate?
Okay... he likes it when you play hard to get. He wants to schedule sex with you for TOMORROW night.
So... while you are on the couch, watching tv, you know... play with him. Touch him... then move away. Watch tv for awhile. Kiss his neck. Kiss him. Watch tv for awhile. Rub him. Lean into him... but not in an overt way. If he touches you, move his had away. Be coy. Play the virgin. When it comes time for bed, cuddle, but go to sleep.
