Discussion on MrsCAC4 thread - Making assumptions

[DERaven]

Cobra,

I need to jump in at this point and clarify that fearless is no longer married. She is refering to ex-husband and the problems that existed in their marriage.

I will let fearless reply to your comments herself, but I will say that she and I have been in a relationship for close to two years. I do not support your assertion that she was attempting to control her ex-husband. Being in a relationship like that with my ex-wife I will tell you that my behavior was controlling and I acknowledged my contribution to the ending of my marriage. I came to understand that telling my ex-wife what she was feeling was wrong. I understand that making assumptions and practicing avoidance was also a problem in my marriage.

I began to understand that while reading Divorce Busting. I began to understand that I needed to accept my ex-wife's feelings as true and validate that. Unfortunately, I could not save my marriage but was blessed with an oppurtunity to have a fantastic R with fearless. I do not believe it is controlling to ask your partner to accept that your feelings are genuine. I listen to fearless and validate her feelings. I don't believe asking your partner to accept your feelings as genuine is forcing your opinion on him/her. They are feelings and if you love and respect your partner they should be acknowledged and validated. That opens the door to further communication.

I don't understand your views on assumptions. I will tell you that my ex-wife expected me to make assumptions, read her mind, etc. and I could never do enough. To be in a relationship where fearless and I can ask for what we want without resentment that it wasn't anticipated is very refreshing. I appreciate that she can meet her own needs. There is no expectation that I should make her happy by instinctively knowing the right thing to say or do.

Cobra, I have to say as a man who sees the mistakes he made in his marriage and as the father of a D8 I don't understand your views at all on relationships or child rearing.