I am reading SSM, on Chapter 5, and very anxious to find some answers. I am divorced and remarried. I am pretty sure this was the root of the problms in my first marriage. I need touch to feel loved. I tried everything and talked until I was blue in the face. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me!! I truly felt like I gave it my all; went to counselors, read tons of books, ect. So, I ended up having an affair, no surprise there, got divorced and eventually remarried.
It was awesome, my new husband actually wanted me... alot!!!!!!! We were so close and he brought me out of the shell that I had gone into years before. We were very sexual and very intimate. I have never felt so close to anyone! We still laugh and get along great! I love him so much! But after a year of marriage... oh my God, it happened again! Suddenly it just kept getting less and less that we were intimate. We never flirt or joke about being together. If I bring it up or initiate, he either ignores me or giggles like I am joking. What am I doing wrong???? How could this happen to me twice?? I feel betrayed.. he knew what I went thru the first time and he just seemed to "get it". We talked for hours and hours!! Can you say "false advertisement"? I am becoming more and more angry!!
I can't really say that it is "starving" cus we do have a quickie once a week only on the weekend but that is it for the whole week!! NOTHING ELSE, no flirting, no hugging, no kissing... I almost have to beg him to snuggle! But I never turn him down even tho I am angry!! I do believe that he feels like he needs to do it, which I think is a sign that he loves me and cares but I also feel like it is out of obligation sometimes, yuk! I have written him letters and talked to him about it many times, but he just tells me that I am correct and he has to do better, if I got a dime every time I have heard that line!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted us to just keep getting closer and closer and more intimate. I thought we would always be able to discuss sex and everything. He is no longer a talker. He gets annoyed when I want to discuss anything about it and now I am scared to bring anything up. I hate feeling like a nag!! I get annoyed when my friends complain about their husbands wanting sex all the time!! I tell them to shut up and appreciate the fact that their husbands want them!!
I do get it that if I change, things have to change. I have been here before and couldnt fix it. I am a pleaser, I do a lot of things just to make him happy!! I am starting to feel resentment and the fact that he wont talk... I am fresh out of hope, even as I am reading this book. I know that this book could help but he will NOT read anything that I ask him to.
I do want to change!! I dont want to want sex anymore. I dont want to "need to be close". I just want to be happy. How can I just accept it and go on? It's not fair. I couldnt just "accept it" in my first marriage...
Well, it's normal for the sexual feelings/excitement of new relationship to wear off somewhat. You cannot expect that same level of chemistry that was at the beginning of your R. It's almost impossible to maintain. You ended a previous M and had an A because you were continually seeking that feeling. So if you want this new M to work, you are going to have to really make a conscious effort to control your own emotions. It's ok to want but need is another story. I can relate to you. I am constantly fighting those same feelings. Some days are better than others. You sound very frustrated. But you need to look at yourself right now and stop getting angry at your H. That will only make the situation worse. Does your H feel like everything is "ok" or is he concerned too?
I truly felt like I gave it my all; went to counselors, read tons of books, ect. So, I ended up having an affair, no surprise there, got divorced and eventually remarried.
You might want to reexamine the "so I ended up having an affair".
That appears to be placing the blame for your choice of infidelity on your ex-husband. He was responsible for his failures in the marriage as were you, you were 100% responsible for choosing to solve a marital problem by having an affair.
How long did your first marriage last and when did the sexual issues start? Are there any children involved? Was your affair partner also married? Is your current husband your former affair partner? Has your curent husband been married before?
I want him to want me, to talk about intimate things with me. If I initiate, I want him to respond. I want to feel close to him and I want to be able to talk to him again. I just miss taht close feeling.
I agree and I feel guilty to this day!! I was married 11 years and it started almost immediately after we said I do. Yes, we have three children!! Thats what makes it hurt like hell!! No, my partner had been divorced and alone for a couple of years. NO. Yes, he has been married before. It was so hard for me to get divorced. I didnt want to be divorced but it had gotten so bad that I decided being lonely alone was better than being lonely married. If I had this book years ago.........
Yes, and I believe that once that new feeling goes away, then when you do things to meet your spouses needs, that is true love. I believe that love is a decision. I am willing to do anything for my H. He knows that I am hurting, he doesnt want to talk about it, he wont read anything, he cares, he loves me, he will be the first to admit that he jsut burries his head in the sand hoping it will get better by itself...
I would be lying if i said that I didnt want him to change back to wanting me again, but i am to the point that i just want to change myself to the point that i can live with the way things are and be happy. I try, i really do but every few weeks, i feel this way again. I hate it!
Quote: ------------------------------------------------- What am I doing wrong???? How could this happen to me twice?? I feel betrayed.. he knew what I went thru the first time and he just seemed to "get it". We talked for hours and hours!! Can you say "false advertisement"? I am becoming more and more angry!! -------------------------------------------------
Since the situations between your two marriages are similar, that leaves you as the common denominator.
What are other similarities between the two relationships. Did you marry another man that shares common traits with your ex?
What destroyed your husband's first marriage?
Would you consider yourself grabby/needy/demanding or desperate?
Would your husband consider you grabby/needy/demanding or desperate?
Has your husband stated a reason for his unwillingness to read SSM?
How often are you angry with your husband?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
