Puffy left our home. He pays the mortgage I pay everything else.
Till now, he has paid the mortgage, the check has bounced a few times, but eventually he paid it.
He has a 2nd life, well a 2nd family really, and his entire pay check goes to I don't know what, I don't know who, but I do know, that I have never seen him twice in the same outfit.
The only way I have found to protect my self finacially, is legally.
Not a divorce, but just taking the matter to the lawyer.
Go for a free consultation. Just find out what you are entitled too.
I understand the hesitation to file for separation. You can wait to do that if you are certain that he isn't filtering money out. I had a doozy of an ex and he ended up leaving me months behind in bills etc.
When I filed for D from LSS I found out that he had changed all the bills from both of our names into just my name (using the "or" thing talked about above) that way he could say that he left on such and such a date which left me responsible. He also did it for credit cards he opened in both of our names which I never saw. In my D papers, I named him responsible for all debt and then the courts told me that I could have had my name removed from any joint account if I had his social security number. I don;t know if there is any truth to that but it would have saved me about $3000 in debt had I known.
I woul ddef. open my own checking and savings account though.
Where I live, they will not remove a spouse from an account. For example, if I went in and said I want my spouse removed from such and such account, they won't do it without that spouse's signature.
One thing that OW trained H to do is to cancel me from credit cards. I had a Target Visa card which I was the primary account holder and I had gotton a card for him at one time.
He called them and cancelled using "marital status" as the reason. We are not divorced nor are we legally separated but they let him do that.
Just be really careful.
I say this because you will come under so much stress and will make mistakes along the way.
I used to write all the bills, etc. and one time due to stress, I discovered I was about $500 short in our checking account. I transferred money from a Visa and put it in our joint checking account.
I told him THREE TIMES what I did and he did not have a problem with it.
BUT, a few weeks later, he accused me of funneling money to a Japanese person!!! He said he called the bank and they confirmed it!
I got on that darned phone and called the bank, explaining what H just told me.
The lady laughed and said this is not true, she thought H was just playing a joke on me.
I told H I called the bank and called his bluff. He was po'd. We know OW trained him in that scheme as well.
Just slow down, relax (hard to do, I know), and take it one day at a time.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I know what I need to do first is just split our savings so I have a cushion. I I think it would be easiest to have one small joint account for everyday bills, and then two separate savings accounts. I have to calm down and play it by ear. See how stable he seems to be over the months and if there are any financial surprises.
I definitely think his MLC is caused by not having teenage years due to his father's death. His mother forced him to be a replacement husband and dumped so much on him. These are his new teenage years. He was so excited about buying stuff for his apartment yesterday and all the leftover stuff he is going to get from his mother's home. (Hey maybe he can get a futon and some milk crates!)
One good sign is that this morning he took a bamboo plant in a container that I made for him in pottery class. To me, it shows that it must have mattered to him in some way. Unfortunately, the kids were upset about it and asked me later if they have to hide their things so Daddy doesn't take them. (I'm going to hide Puppy under my bed so he won't find him!) Grrr.
Thanks for all the advice! I am digesting it all. I don't think I need to act too fast on the financial matters.
What do you think about visitation? How much should I let him see the kids? I don't want to give up too much of my time with them. I thought every other weekend and a few evenings in between. He is not arguing. He originally planned on driving them to school every morning but I think that would be hard on the kids. Hi Daddy ... Bye Daddy.
Yesterday, the kids and I talked about all the fun things we could do together now. These are things that we always wanted to do with Daddy, but he was too busy on the computer or had other excuses. My priority is to spend a lot of fun time with the kids.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
That is a personal matter but when I spoke to my pastor about setting boundaries like that, he said to let H see the kids when he wants because you do not want to come across as the one H or the kids will blame if they are unable to see each other when they want.
I would monitor your accounts if you can. For example, with the click of my computer mouse, I can transfer money just like that.
Just be careful.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
No, his mother is well. His mother just has some old furniture in her basement.
Actually, I am at work and have to somehow concentrate on that and get some of it done. (I am a computer engineer.) It's hard to work, especially writing code, when your mind is a mess. Luckily, everyone at work is so understanding and caring.
I am monitoring the accounts everyday online to make sure nothing happens.
One more hour to try to work and then its off to get the kids from school. (I work part time so that I can be there for the kids after school.) The movie and cuddling idea sounds good.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
