New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

Hello all,

It's been awhile since I've posted but am feeling like today is a good time since I'm having some of the lonely insecure feelings of my last lengthy post. But I just re-read it to be sure not to repeat myself and I'm already feeling better. Same feelings today, and I need to deal with them the same way. I hope this site doesn't delete my posts after awhile. I wonder if there's and easy way to download and entire thread?

First, the update(s):
Since I last posted, my W and I have spent some good times together. Our first time together since my leaving and destroying her was on Feb 15, which I've already posted about. Since then, we had our first "date" if I can call it that, for our anniversary on Feb 24. It started out kind of rough for both of us. A lot of anxiety and anger in the air, but no direct attacks from either of us towards each other. The night got better though and it seemed to finish ok. We had some good conversation and then when dinner was done I left because she had to do some studying, so I respected that.

I then kind of pissed her off the Thursday because I had told her that if she wanted to she could tan afterwork on Thursdays and I would just stay with the kids while she went since I pick them up from school on Thursdays anyways. So, the first Thursday this was to happen she texted me when she got to the tanning place and said that she'd be home in 20 min. I felt a little taken for granted because I would have appreciated her letting me know in the morning that she planned on tanning that night. Her interpretation of our agreement was that she would go every Thursday. So, I believe I was a little oversensitive, but we really just had a communication error. I apologized the next day for the miscommunication, after I gave her space to calm down. I didn't, however, recant my feelings of being taken for granted. Kind of took a small stand for myself through all of this.

So, she got over her pissed-off-ness and we went this Sunday (Mar 4) on a half-day trip (10.5hrs) to Tahoe from Sacramento to our favorite tattoo artist to get new tattoos. She got her cover-up of my name fixed and added to, and I got a cross with light rays above my demon to symbolize God in my life delivering me from the evil of my past self. The whole day went REALLY well. Not for our M, but for our relationship as friends. I am MOST proud of myself for not letting the old me into our time together at all. She shared what shes been doing in her life with her free time and I listened and even though my insecurities came into my head, they did not come out of my mouth! Plus, they were only there for a second! They used to shut me down for days but I was able to process them within a few seconds and then resume talking to her on a friend level and they went away completely! You would think that I'd be more happy that my W was able to spend time with me in hopes that our M would work out soon. But that just isn't the case this time. I am so proud of myself that the work I've been doing in SLAA and with my therapist is paying off in permanent changes within me. I don't have to be controlling and insecure to enjoy time with someone. It really feels great. At the end of the night when she left for work SHE even initiated a hug! THAT is huge for her, since two weeks ago she said the hug thing was too much for her.

So, we have really been bonding so-to-speak about our working out. We are both working out individually and we talk about our progress and the workouts we do and the changes in our bodies. She mentioned that she really missed my iPod because when she works out at home and the kids have a movie on she can't listen to her music. Additionally, I have been using a Men's Health workout guide and talking to her about it and she expressed that she wished she had a women's version of that to help her out. So yesterday Mar 5, I decided to buy her a womens workout book and an iPod. Now, let me be perfectly clear, my motives were PURE! I asked and asked myself why I wanted to buy these things for her and the answer was simply because I love her and wanted to make her smile, if only for a moment. I was not in anyway trying to "buy" her love or looking to get anything in return, I just wanted to make her happy. Something the old me had seldom if ever done, it was always to get something that I wanted. I also am still crystal clear that she is not ready to work on us, and the gifts were in no way meant to pursuade her towards us. Again, just to get her something that would make her happy.

So, I explained this to her before I gave her the gifts because I wanted to be sure that she didn't think into my motives for things that the old me would be thinking. I also explained that I know that no amount of money would ever make up for what I've done to her and that I had no expectations of anything in return, I simply loved her and wanted to make her happy. She LOVED the gifts, and gave me HUG # 2!

Which leads me to today. I was feeling great in the morning. I saw W when I went over to pick up the kids. Good friend talk, and off to work she went. Some good texting about the Keith Urban song Stupid Boy. I just texted her and said I hope the last line won't be true for her, which is "She's never coming back to me." She didn't respond, which is neither good, nor bad either. So I'm ok with it. But then around 9:30 I started to fall off my good mood into a little hopelessness and loneliness and started feeling the need to call her, especially about us.

But, I stopped myself, MUCH quicker than I have in the past, and all by myself. I tried to call my SLAA sponsor and couldn't reach him. I immediately recognized what I had posted earlier, that these were my feelings and I needed to deal with them and they were not my W responsibility to make me feel whole or to make my loneliness go away. I then came here to journal, found my old post, and now I'm doing much better.

So, that's all for now. Keep me and my M in your prayers and hope for the best. We don't have our next "date" scheduled next but I'm going to ask her about it tonight. Just leaving it up to her when she wants to spend more time together.

Love this place,
B