Actually the funny thing is that my xH was an attorney and he believed that I was too emotional and was not logical enough! I always had to PROVE myself to him logically or else he would not accept my feelings. Of course then he would logically dissect my feelings to show why they were WRONG.
Ok, now this makes a little more sense, at least to me. Maybe both you and your H are trying to “out logical” one another in your own form of control, which as you know is a defense tactic. This is also mentioned in Schnarch. Arguing over whose version of reality is correct is a sign of enmeshment on both your parts.
In counseling 2 years ago he told me I was too receptive to his needs overall. I did everything with the house, shopping, etc. plus worked a full time job where I had the health insurance and benefits because he was self employed. In this particular example the need he had "to be able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted without any thought of my needs or feelings" is not an "acceptable" part of good marriage. If the need was to have good friendships, then he should have been responsible for keeping the friendships while doing it in a way that respected the marriage.
Things seem way out of balance and appears to more of a placating and boundary issue than anything.
While I do not think my examples are perfect examples I still believe that seeing your assumption as fact is a significant problem. The problem is not that the wife asks "Are you mad at me?" the problem is that she does not believe him when he says NO and the reason is because she is so SURE she is right.
Again, I don’t see this as an assumption issue, but a fight over getting the spouse to validate your views, and therefore you.
He has an avoider personality in ALL aspects of his life. I think that a large part of it is that any disappointment from a person is so upsetting to him that he delays it until he has to deal with it.
I’m with you so far…
Which usually means it becomes a bigger issue than it should have been but then that feeds into the original fear which causes the cycle of avoidance again.
Nope. This is an assumption on your part and denial of how he feels. You may not think it should be a big issue, but he might. Whose sense of “big” is the right one?
Trust me I went through all the stages - thinking that it was all my fault, that maybe I was too forceful and was frightening (all 5'2" of me to his 6'5"), trying to explain how we could both get what we wanted by communicating, let him do what he wanted and not share my feelings with him, etc. We dated 5 years and were married 10 years so there were many chances for me to experiment and try to change the dynamic. And in the end the irony is that I gave up and considered it a character flaw I would just live with and even that did not work.
What was the reason for you trying to change the dynamic, to get him to see your logic so he would change? You think that because you “made” all these changes that you are the flexible, open minded one, but I don’t see anything about accepting him as he is. That makes all your past efforts paramount to control, and he knows that, doesn’t he?
I was very open about communicating what I was upset about but xH was so sure that he knew the real issue. I could tell him until I was blue in the face that waiting to the last minute showed disrespect for me and did not allow me to make my own plans for the evening.
More attempts at control….
But he just KNEW that the real problem was that I was jealous, wanted him to be home with me and did not want him to go out with his friends so he believed it was my fault that he would wait until the last minute to let me know about these plans.
So he tries to control you and convince you that he is right and you are wrong. Are you seeing the dynamic?
I do not mind that xH assumed things about me but I did mind that when I tried to explain what I really felt, I was told that I was not being honest and did not know what I felt. At least after counseling I have gotten validation that I was right after all. FWIW.
The mistake your counselor made, IMO, is affirming that you are right and your H was wrong. Now you’ve got a stick to force your opinion onto your H, right? I bet he doesn’t like that too much, and it probably makes him even more resistant to hearing you (assumption on my part!)
What problem do I have???? ;\)
Not seeing how controlling you are. Get the book. Actually, get two of them.
