In the example you give about your H going out on Friday night, I agree there may be some assumptions at work, but I see the bigger issue as lack of responsibility and differentiation, denial and need for other validation (perhaps these have to do with assumptions too). I think you are correct that your H is avoiding confronting you based on an assumption, but his assumption didn’t come out of the blue. If you ask him, might he tell you he bases his assumption on your past behavior? Since he can’t know the future, what else is he to go on? Sure he should ask you, but he still has a mental picture of what is coming. He is self protecting. I think his fears are largely to blame in creating this issue, but I think your past behavior is also at fault.
He needs to learn to be more honest and direct, not shy away, be less passive aggressive. Perhaps you need to be more receptive to his needs so he doesn’t feel threatened by your response.
Fearless, your second example is more of the same. Assumptions are not the main issue. You really need to read through “Passionate Marriage” to understand what I am trying to tell you. Your examples show the problem with “other validation,” rather than “self validation,” and the need to “hold onto yourself” when your spouse does not do what you would do. Those reactions in turn come from FOO based feelings of abandonment and a lack of understanding in your spouse that he is triggering those fears.
Assumptions and the quality of communication are not the issue. Schnarch directly addresses this point. You and you spouse do not have a communication problem or a problem with assumptions. You two know each other better than anyone else and communicate perfectly. You already know how the other will react. The problem is not the supposedly mistaken reaction, but why the reaction reflex exists in the first place and how to fix that. You are focusing on effect and not cause.
Your groundedness does not bother me, but I think that (and the fact that you are an engineering type) is actually part of your problem. Lil, would you tell Fearless that at one point in my life I could have been considered a little too logical too? Glad I’m past that!
