Discussion on MrsCAC4 thread - Making assumptions

[fearless]

Mrs. NOP,

Great question. First I should have used past tense. Secondly xH and I had that dynamic from the very beginning when we started dating in college and he also had that issue with his high school girlfriend. He has an avoider personality in ALL aspects of his life. I think that a large part of it is that any disappointment from a person is so upsetting to him that he delays it until he has to deal with it. Which usually means it becomes a bigger issue than it should have been but then that feeds into the original fear which causes the cycle of avoidance again. Trust me I went through all the stages - thinking that it was all my fault, that maybe I was too forceful and was frightening (all 5'2" of me to his 6'5"), trying to explain how we could both get what we wanted by communicating, let him do what he wanted and not share my feelings with him, etc. We dated 5 years and were married 10 years so there were many chances for me to experiment and try to change the dynamic. And in the end the irony is that I gave up and considered it a character flaw I would just live with and even that did not work.

I was very open about communicating what I was upset about but xH was so sure that he knew the real issue. I could tell him until I was blue in the face that waiting to the last minute showed disrespect for me and did not allow me to make my own plans for the evening. But he just KNEW that the real problem was that I was jealous, wanted him to be home with me and did not want him to go out with his friends so he believed it was my fault that he would wait until the last minute to let me know about these plans.

I do not mind that xH assumed things about me but I did mind that when I tried to explain what I really felt, I was told that I was not being honest and did not know what I felt. At least after counseling I have gotten validation that I was right after all. FWIW.

It is interesting because in Cobra's scenario I am probably the maximizer while xH was the minimizer but because of personality (He's more extroverted and I am more introverted) and gender issues he probably looked like the maximizer. Although I am not certain of this because I still do not quite understand the maximizer/minimizer dynamic.