Discussion on MrsCAC4 thread - Making assumptions

[fearless]

Cobra,

Thanks for the response. It seems we have a good discussion started. Okay, first the assumptions about concrete facts. I did not even use the word "past" in my discussion of the boyfriend in question and the word husband was never used. Granted I am an engineer so it is my job to not mix facts and assumptions. Yes even in science assumptions are made but they should always be properly denoted as assumptions. It the case of facts versus feelings (which I will write about later) it is much easier to see when incorrect assumptions are made. In this case you assumed 1) a "past" boyfriend 2) that the woman went back to her dysfunction 3) that she was married. All three issues were not addressed in my paragraph summarizing the article but were inserted by you. We can both read my post to see that I did not mention any of that. Again I know this is being anal but when you do a root cause analysis of a failure, it is important to gather all facts, observations and assumptions and label them accurately.

The second issue is about making assumptions about other people's feelings and/or reactions. Just to be contrary, I am going to bring up the flip side of what you mention "I believe that if you want to be more empathic and compassionate, you will have to make assumptions all the time." The assumption of how someone feels may not feel empathetic or compassionate to that person but may feel condescending and controlling. For example, my xH assumes that I will be upset if he is going out with his friend on Friday night. So first instead of letting me know on Monday he waits until Thursday then he broaches the subject by saying "I know you are going to be mad that I want to go out with Bill but..." Of course I am mad NOW. He knew about this Monday and now it is Thursday and he is leaving me in a lurch as far as plans. PLUS he is telling me how I feel which does irritate me especially when he is WRONG. And finally he has made it my fault that he waited to tell me because I was going to be mad. The assumption actually created the very situation he supposedly wanted to avoid. What about another example: A husband walks through the door after a rough day and is tired and a bit irritated at WORK. The wife gives him a quick kiss and he mumbles something. Then she assumes he is upset with her and begins pestering him about why he is mad at her. He repeatedly says he is not with a growing irritation in his voice. She says she can hear the irritation and knows he is mad at her and suddenly he IS mad at her. he wasn't mad to start but her constant pestering because SHE KNEW he was mad caused him to be mad. So in my mind assumptions can be dangerous because they affect how you approach a situation and then you can cause the exact reaction you originally assumed.

Of course we are human so our brains are wired to fill in blanks and make assumptions. However it is critical to remember that an assumption is not a fact and a critical mistake is made with assumptions is when you treat them as facts.

This is interesting because if I look at your assumptions I see a negative assumption in this example. You assumed the woman had dumped or been dumped by the "good" boyfriend and had gone back to her old dysfunction. Why? Is this a characteristic you have in relationships?

Also you stated your assumption so definitively and conclusively I went back to reread what I wrote because I thought I may have inserted some incorrect information in the paragraph. If we had had this discussion orally without having outside observer, you may have even convinced me that I had actually mentioned a husband and used the word "past" in speaking about the boyfriend because you were so SURE of your assumption. So your ability to overstate your assumptions could very much be influencing your relationships.

And to the example of Lou, could not one issue be that he is making a wrong assumption about his wife and that wrong assumption may be driving behavior which is worsening the situation? I have no idea if this is true because I know so little of his story but it could be possible.

Thanks for the Churchill quotes. My personal favorite of his is "If you are going through hell, keep going"

Another quote I love is from Charles De Gaulle when he was asked by a reporter if he was happy, "What do you take me for, an idiot?"

And although I realize I may come across on the boards as an idealist (although hopefully not intolerant ), I assure you that I am a grounded realist. I'm too cynical to be a true optimist but I'm too realistic to be a pessimist. My family and friends have always considered me to be more of a sarcastic cynic and realist. I admit that I show that side more to close friends and family more than strangers or acquaintances.