Life of Job

[theoden]

8,

Praying for you bro.

It's wierd isn't it? Lord, please bless "8". ;-)

Allow me to share 3 things in your pain..

1. You said you love her more than life. If you said you loved her something fierce, I'd say OK. Part of the problem is that we do love our spouses "more than life". That, is, we may love them more than God. And they feel it. A statement like like means that they are our idols. And no human can bear the burden of being God to us. Unless they do "X" or "Y" or come back to us, we are shattered. It's hard, and I'm preaching to myself, but it's imperative that we love God the most. If his love cannot be taken from us, then the pressure is off our spouse.

2. Blame. Oh my. The willingess to blame yourself or the OM is interesting. Blaming the OM is primarily biological -- you are trying to defend your family against an external threat. In addition, you are trying your hardest to love your wife through this, so most of your anger has to go somewhere, so it tends to go on the OM. Blaming yourself....hmmmm As long as your are not wallowing in self-pity, it's not a wholly unhealthy response. By looking to yourself, you are looking to the only person you have control over in this situation. You are taking stock, admitting mistakes, and, in that wonderful-old fashioned way, repenting. You are turning from death to life, from alienation to love. You are changing yourself. Bravo!!!!

And yes, part of you still blames her. I've found that's the least healthy emotion in my life because it makes me judgemental, and then tense, and then angry at my wife. But then, it's OK to stop, take stock and realize that she is hurting you and your kids, but, you instead, get to play Christ, and love and forgive.

3. Looking forward to seeing your wife? It's natural. But look forward to it in a different way. You are the cool, attractive, "Alpha male", OM who can easily seduce her. You are NOT a desperate doormat who lives moment by for any crumb of affection she throws you.

--Theoden

[believing_isaiah43]

BI, How are you doing? Did you get my post about the Habbakuk scripture?, and which translation?

Hey 8, I didn't get the post about the scripture, but it's The Message translation.

Physically, weird things are happening post-car wreck. I won't hijack your thread with them, but I imagine an MRI of my head & neck are in my future.

[81388*]

Theoden;

Thank you for your continued input and prayers. You have encapsulated things nicely as usual.

I agree, my anger and hatred has to go somewhere and it can't be my wife so OM becomes one huge bullseye. But even that is difficult, by condeming it(OM is not man enough to warrent a "him") I condem my wife by association.

I know that God has to be first, and I realize that as christians we are not immune to the pitfalls that plague human relationships, but it is just so hard to focus on Him right now. I can bearly make it through a service without breaking down because I know how far away I am. I am at a loss as to how to pray about this anymore. It dosn't seem as though I can really get to the point where ALL I want is his will, I want him to show me how to put my family back together again, I want Him to tell me WHY? I come to Him with requests for MY life, not with a heart ready to accept His will.

[theoden]

8,

That's what I'm working on RIGHT NOW. I have the same view of God as you do.

I want God to fix the problem without really changing me. I have trouble saying, "I will worship you and delight in you even if my family falls apart."

But brother, that's part of detachment. Detaching ourselves from the idols of marriage, family, prosperity that tell us we can't be happy without them. Putting God first is part of "Getting a Life." And once God is first (our true love, joy happiness, delight and strength), then our spouses won't sense they are necessary for our happiness, and, *presto* we aren't indicting them anymore, rather we are inviting them to our full, God-centered lives.

I still cry in church services. I even have a catholic church near my office I go to during lunch where I can cry when I need to.

So I don't have this nailed down. I'm journeying with you towards detachment and being God-intoxicated.

Peace,

Theoden

[81388*]

Theoden,
Thank you, it is nice to hear of others who are struggling with the same questions.

For the last 10 years or so I have been growing closer to God, really my lifetime, but most obviously over the last 10 years.

We have been very involved in church for the last 6 years, we have taught confirmation class every sunday, my wife has sung in the praise band, and the bomb was dropped just after I returned from a 2 week mission trip to Mongolia.

I just get mad because in my trying to put God first, I have opened the door to the most hurtful tempting of my faith, and I can't understand why God would allow that.

The trip was planned 6 months in advance, and up til the night I left, my wife was supportive of it. It was during our time apart that the relationship, which has probably been a EA for awhile, gathered steam and the wheels started to come off the wagon.

I just don't get it.

[81388*]

As I reread my last post I see myself saying that my "good works" should have prevented all this, and that is not what I meant, I think?

It is just really ironic that as I get closer to God, something like this just really tosses a wrench in the works. I know that something is the devil who rejoices in this hurt and hate and sorrow, but I don't really know how to deal with a full attack of firery darts. I am familiar with the protection Paul spoke of, but I guess I have misplaced them.

My job this week is to find my helmet, breastplate, shoes, and sword, and then proclaim the glory of the one true God.

[81388*]

Had a great night!

Was detached, I love this woman, I really don't know what my life will be like without her, but it will be what it needs to be, and we will be OK.

Wife came by after work, I asked if she was hungry? because we had leftovers, she said yes, thank you. Kids were all over the place, last min. homework, then the fun began. S6 was telling us all about his dream last night, we were all in stiches by the end of it. D12 was making cupcakes for her class tommorrow and is just a sight trying to figure out what to do first, flour or eggs.

Wife did an awesome job on cake, a perfect chicago bears "C" on white frosting, I almost feel bad eating it. D12 wanted a #54, but it didn't fit.

As the night ended, she said thank you for feeding her, and letting her be a part of the family. I told her that there would never be a time that she wasn't welcome in this house, and there would never be a time that we wouldn't be happy to see her. As she got ready to leave, I gave her a little tool kit(see previous post about toilet) and told her if she was going to be on her own, she needed to be prepared for what came her way, but I intended to get the tools back.

I had printed out her e-mails(no computer at new house), including itinerary for work trip which most likely includes OM, nothing on my part, just "thought you might need this".

I really have no expectations at this point. I have been gut punched, sucker punched, hit below the belt, and hit in the face. At the same time, she has shown how much she loves her family, as much as she can at this point. She has been cold and distant, and tender and loving. I don't know what to expect at this point, but whatever it is we will take it in stride and keep our eyes on the prize.

I am officially "in the fight". I will not back down or turn away. I will work towards being the man I was meant to be and stand for my marriage. If this marriage fails, it will not be because I got tired or lazy, or fed up, it will be because despite my best efforts, the plan was something else all along.

[believing_isaiah43]

8, you rock!! You sound great. I swear, the men on these boards are so wonderful, I could just personally go kick your wives' a$$es myself. As Muddle will tell you, I want to marry all of you in another life

My job this week is to find my helmet, breastplate, shoes, and sword, and then proclaim the glory of the one true God.

I had that scripture on an index card that I read out LOUD every morning and evening during the dark days of the A. I was scared out of my mind that satan was all up in my house. I even pantomimed with my kids putting on each piece. It helped. I should still be doing that. Need to dig out my index card. I still need his word and his armor.

[theoden]

8,

I don't know either why they come when they do. I guess that's why they call them trials. I was being sorely tried yesterday and my cynicism crept out in a post to a dear brother here where I got too graphic.

Someone once told me that Satan is trying to bring my family down because the Kingdom of Darkness is scared of us, and that I must be spiritually a big threat to Old Scratch. Maybe, 8, your such a big threat that the opposition is working overtime. Evangelical Christians have a higher divorce rate than the national average.

But what about God? I don't know. Great Christians speak of the Dark Night of the Soul. This is ours. Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his son on Mount Moriah - talk about a trial. I know, however, that none of this is beyond God's control or Fatherly care. Can we, in faith, say that this mess, even this marriage mess, is part of his plan to shape us into the image of his Son? Can we see this as fire purifying gold?

A pastor I know through an online relationship mailed me this yesterday, maybe it can help you...

1. You have to take everything to Mount Moriah, joining our father Abraham in his willingness to lose what was most dear to him merely out of loyalty to our Lord. As bizarre as it seems at first, God calls us to give up not only our choice of a place to live and our career, but also our children and spouse. And from time to time he calls us to do this out loud, in effect, giving him our permission to take everything away from us -- not that he needs our permission -- this is about us, not him. In that regard, consider the thinking of New England Puritan, John Cotton that the Christian remains an ascetic in the world, as much as any hermit outside it. God calls you not only to love your wife and your children, he also calls you to a detachment from them. It is only as you "give God permission" to take them to heaven, actually speaking those very words out loud to him, that you can freely and securely enjoy them here on earth.

2. You must believe that our absolutely sovereign God is your Father and that he wants to do good for you and yours. God wants you not only to be holy; he wants you to be happy. Of course, in this life we come short of the heavenly ideal of holiness and happiness, but happiness as well as holiness is always God's goal for your life. One day we will "be fully and forever freed from all sin and misery; filled with inconceivable joys, made perfectly holy and happy both in body and soul, in the company of innumerable saints and holy angels," (Westminster Larger Catechism, 90) but we have a foretaste of this coming holiness and happiness in this life through the down payment, the Holy Spirit. The point which you need to remind yourself of regularly throughout these dark days is that to affirm that God loves you is also to affirm that he aims at your present blessing and your present happiness. Focus on the center of our true happiness, Christ himself, and that the happiest we can ever be is when we truly adore Christ. But in the place of adoring God's adorable Son, we find the release to enjoy all the good things he gives us in this world. God will supply your need, and he will likely do it in very odd ways.

Hope this helps..

--Theoden

[81388*]

Thank you;

These posts do help. I really think I would be lost without this input. It is so helpful to just visit with people who are going through the same thing, experiencing the same trials.

Today was my daughter's 12th birthday. She is an amazing young woman. Full of life and all its possibilities. She loves art, music, animals, and figuring out how things work. Her imagination is endless and her heart is as big as the universe. She is having the hardest time with this because she is the "fixer". She has always been the one who is worried about justice and fairness, a true middle child. We were talking the other night about Mom leaving and what it meant and didn't mean, how it made her feel, etc. I told her that if there was something I could do to make it all better, I would. I said that Mom and Dad have to find their way back to each other, and that if that couldn't happen then we would still be OK because we had God and each other. She was really struggling with "why bad things happen to good people?" We talked for awhile, and I told her that we all deserved to be happy, and what makes Mom happy is not being with Dad right now, but that being away from them made her sad, so it was really important to try and make the time with Mom meaningful. I told her that we can't make each other feel the way we think they should, that each of us gets to choose how and what we feel. When I asked her if that made sense, she said "it means that you love Mom enough to let her go." It still makes me cry just typing it, but I told her yes, I love her that much.

Tonight was a good night. W got off on time and made it here with time to visit while dinner was cooking. D12 had requested steak, God I love that girl. In between trips to the grill, W visited with kids and me. We had a great meal, cake and ice cream, opened presents. I was detached and just having fun all night. As W was getting ready to leave, she was blinking and rubbing her eyes and said she had to get to her place and get her eye drops. I smiled and told her "oh, I thought you were winking at me", she smiled her old smile that lights up the room, then I winked at her and said my eyes are just fine. She replied "yes, I know they are."