My road to LDness

[fearless]

"I look at similar issues and I use risk-benefit type analysis. What is lost if you do not make those comments versus what is gained by them? TO ME I don't see a gain but I see the POTENTIAL for loss. Notice the word potential because that is the key to me. If there is not much gain but a significant potential for loss, I usually cut those things out." Fearless

"I see your position, but to me I see a potential loss in not exposing my kids to what they might encounter in the real world, sort of a tough love approach. If a girl never experiences teasing comments from males, she will surely remember it the first time she comes up against it. If she has learned to blow it off, it probably won't even be a memory by the next week." Cobra

To be clear I was talking about the borderline teasing about sexuality with children/teenagers as with your tease about your daughter's breasts or lack thereof. So your response does not make sense to me. IF the comments you make are not a problem as you argued earlier, then there is nothing she needs to learn to blow off because those comments are acceptable from you. IF they are not acceptable from you and something she needs to learn to blow off, how does hearing you, her father and protector, say them toughen her up in a healthy way?

But the core issue that you bring up is thought provoking. I have thought about this a lot looking back on my childhood, my xHs and other friends. I still do not feel like I know the best answer yet and probably there is no one right answer because children are so different. There is something to be said about raising your children to feel good about themselves and to have good self-esteem however I agree that they do have to deal with the "real" world. The question is how to do that. I still lean toward the idea of NOT necessarily "toughening up" your child by teasing them the way children at school might but by giving them a firm realistic foundation of the knowledge that they are a good person and deserve to be treated well. At the same time I do not believe in "coddling" or trying to artificially smooth over a child's life. (Two weeks ago a friend and I were talking about a mutual friend who grew up in a family of artificial perfection. The children in that family all struggled as they became adults) There are plenty of opportunities in children's lives to toughen them up. Usually it involves how other kids treat them or how they treat others. That is also why I like sports because I think it is another opportunity to deal with loss and hardship and to learn about hard work and discipline.

Thanks for bringing this up because it is worthwhile to consider how to best raise a strong healthy well adjusted child to adulthood.

Since he was a past boyfriend and not her current H, either she dumped him or more likely he dumped her because she was too dysfunctional for him. Rarely do you end up married to someone so functional to help you through these things. You marry your own level of dysfunction.

This is a great example of a communication issue that YOU have. You filled in the blanks of a story to fit your expectations. Why did you ASSUME that the woman was no longer with the boyfriend and that she was now married to someone else? I never said the woman was married and did not state she was no longer with her BF. This is a good example of why it may seem to you that some responses to you are irritable. You do not always read EXACTLY what people write and then you add in your own meaning to fit preconceived ideas. It can be frustrating to the writer (in this case me) so we feel we have to write MORE and write more clearly and STRONGLY to explain what the ACTUAL events and feelings were. You assumed a story line to fit the theory of marrying your own dysfunction. I understand that that may be a typical pattern but I also know of enough opposite stories to know that it is not ALWAYS that way.

In reality, the woman had worked through her issues with the "patient" boyfriend and is with an "incredible" boyfriend 6 years later (from the article I cannot tell for sure if it is the exact same boyfriend. Pick up the Health magazine, check the article on Page 165 and let me know what you think). I think you are right that when you do not recognize your dysfunction you are definitely vulnerable to the whole being with someone at your same dysfunction level. I think the key is that you have to recognize and be willing to work through your dysfunction which this woman was.

I cannot respond the the minimizer/maximizer comments yet because I am not familiar with those terms. At first I "guessed" that maximizer was the same as perpetrator but I do not think that is accurate. But is the reverse accurate - is the maximizer the victim? I don't think that's true either. I'll have read up on it later when I have time.