Hey, Lin and 1210 --

I totally agree with Penny - you guys are the best! Thank you so much for being there for me and kicking me in the butt but in a supportive way...

I can't tell you how much your posts have meant to me. Today I had an horrible day, as I explained earlier. I was in and out of tears all day (but never around H). Every time I thought I just couldn't take it anymore and was going to lose it, I would just log on here and read your new posts or re-read your old ones to give me the confidence and support I needed to stay focused and not do things I shouldn't. You have been my lifeline. Thank you.

I saw H again tonight for a little while. He came to the office, we went over a few business things, then we worked in our separate offices for a few hours. I talked to him about business a bit too much I know, but the good thing is that I could feel when I was doing it, so at least I noticed.

He looked really tired today. Hopefully he's not getting any sleep either (but not for reasons I don't want to think about...)

He left he office tonight without even coming in to say goodbye to me, and that really hurt. Then, I tried to put a positive spin on it, thinking that I know he would have felt awkward to say goodbye, almost like saying, "Good night, W. I'm going over to the OW's house now." So, hopefully that's what it was about, that he cares about my feelings and doesn't want to throw it in my face. Do you think that's what it was, or do you think he really just doesn't care???

1210, you're exactly right in what you said about H coming home and me freaking out and going back to old ways and chasing him away again. I needed to stay the same me that I was working on, but I panicked. I don't think it was totally my fault, but I didn't help matters any.

Do you honestly think it's not too late to fix this? I feel like I screwed everything up after I had worked so hard...

Last time when I was doing so much better, he came home that one night maybe two weeks or so later. So, it may take me a few days still, but once I get back in the saddle of doing better at DB'ing again, I'll watch and see how he reacts.

If he does come home again some night, how do I handle it? Before, at least the understanding was there between us that he was coming home at some point, but now? I want to be loving and support him, and at the same time, I don't want to feel "used" (and that's not the right word, but hopefully you know what I mean), and I don't want to get hurt. I just keep thinking back to that first night and how much different it was than when he came home, and the one different factor was ME. I was DB'ing better, and I was more confident. Then, I just broke down when I got so scared. Can I still win him back? Is it really too late, as he told me? Will he be able to get beyond this? What if he really DOES want to be with her instead of me??? ...

I'm totally and completely exhausted tonight. As 1210 said, I'm wearing myself into the ground. So, off to bed I will go, my one last cry (can't promise it will be the FINAL one, but I'll work towards it \:\) ), and a new day tomorrow. This WILL get easier, and I CAN do this. I got closer before, and I just have to get there again, realizing this time that that is why he was drawn closer to me, because of my letting him be and my self-confidence. It's just so hard to put on that exterior when you're in a million pieces inside but, in time, I will get stronger. I have to.

I will keep remembering what you've said - if a doctor told me I was going to die if I brought up the R or the OW, I wouldn't do it...

Oh, and about the therapist. I will think about that. Have any of you talked to a DB coach? I also have my appointment with the doctor tomorrow to hopefully get some sort of RX to calm my nerves and also to inquire about the DHEA that Lin suggested. You guys are better than any therapist could be anyway, right?

Thanks again for getting me through yet another day. Please help to keep me strong and to help me to not only get my H back, but to become the woman both he AND myself want and need me to be...