Hi again. I'm trying to catch up on your sitch. You've been DBing a long time, and seem to have a grip on how to do it, as far as I can see.
I'm not very good at giving advice, I just have to say I admire you for keeping it together as well as you have. I understand about negative thoughts invading your mind, I think that happens to a lot of people here.
I haven't read your entire sitch. yet, but have you and H sat down at all and spoken about your R? I know Michelle says no R talk at all, but in my opinion, it's ok if things have become stalled, just to see where you both are "at". Jill
Hi, Jill thanks for stopping by...we have not really talked since Nov when h moved out..I don't want to push anything too soon..3 months is not a long time for someone to find themselves and sort things out..so I don't want to rock the boat..I did ask him though when I saw ring was off if that was a for sure sign to me that m was over..he said no..I was afraid to ask why then.. The ea thing is still a bother to me..I am happy for you that your h was strong enough to see through this woman..see the ff of my h is an acoholic..she had a bad m..likes atttention and my h was there for her, as he probably would be there for just about anyone, m or f..is is a very good listener..often gets kidded about putting a minister sign on his door(in fact he has become involved in our church and attending classes to be a lay leader) so he needed the attention from her I guess, as I was clingy about him having outside things..we just spent he first 20 years being at home..no outside stuff and not together stuff..the kids and home were my life and I guess I felt like they were to be his too...I have learned so much this past year, Of course my kids are 20 and 23...if I had to give any advice to young couples it would be to have outside activities with each other and with your own friends. So you are in Hawaii..is the wonderful place that everyone says it is?? Take care, and thanks again Sue
Just needed to vent..again..was at church with mil today and we were talking to some other people and they were saying how great my h was to always be there helping with things that need to be done and how was he feeling after falling the other night while moving some pews, of course I did not know he had fallen,to make a long story short..after they walked away I said to mil, I should really go and tell them that we are seperated..and mil sayd to me"You really don't need to tell everyone until it's final"...I was so dumb struck that I could not respond..I thought maybe h has told her something I don't know..of course if you knew my mil..she's ok most of the time..but bossy and knows it all..doesn't always like the way I speak up..anyway it bothered me all afternoon..so tonight when I went back to church for program we were hosting..I saw h and he was so upbeat and happy and I asked him if aferward we could have a drink..he said yes..I asked him about falling and he said he had thought about telling this person about us and I said that too, that we could..and it was the perfect time to tell him what his mother said..and of course I had tears..right there handing out programs..he just smiled and said "you know my mother..don't pay any attention to what she says...I couldn't leave it alone so I said " I thought maybe you had told her something I did not know..he said again with his "disgusted mother smile" no.We did end up going out, but with a group. When he dropped me off I so wanted to hug him, or lean over and kiss him or talk..but I did not.I just wish I knew if he was waiting for me to make the first move..or if he is just wanting to take it slowwww or if he really has no feelings or attraction for me...some small sign.I just want to know if I am wanted or loved. It really stirs up alot about your childhood..I was never told I was loved..never hugged..kissed as a child..I had an ok childhood..just parents that did not express themselves with any of that..I have taken that all for granted these past 25 years..as h was the first person to make me feel loved and needed. I think that is what I am having a hard time with as time goes by..the fear of losing that part of the r..the only person that has been there for me may now decide that he doesn't need me anymore.
Hi Sue. I'm sorry you've been having a rough couple of days.
Quote: When he dropped me off I so wanted to hug him, or lean over and kiss him or talk..but I did not.I just wish I knew if he was waiting for me to make the first move..or if he is just wanting to take it slowwww or if he really has no feelings or attraction for me...some small sign.
You know, I was thinking about NewBob's sitch when I read this line. Have you tried the "hit and run" approach? For example, before exiting the car, pat his leg before getting out? Something subtle? I assume you've thought about how to engage him through his "love languages?" Also, you said "he's a good listener," so what if you just came up with some "issues" that you needed help with? Just something rather simple and safe to engage him in conversation...
I understand you're gun-shy, but if what you're doing doesn't seem to be working, then maybe change it up a bit. Be a bit more daring...
Anyway, just throwing a few things out there... Take care of yourself.
I know how you feel. I could have written your post. This morning I woke up early and went for coffee. H was at church. I had gone last night. I often wonder what does he do at his apartment. Why was he at 7 AM Mass? Could he not sleep? Does he like being alone? Does he think about me or us (when asked he says yes). Does he ever wish he was home? (Loved to read the paper on Sunday AM in Sunroom and listen to Jazz). Has he found someone else?
I drive myself nuts with all the what ifs. Then I think he must be happy. All the negatives. I asked him to stay here a couple of weeks ago, he said no. He seems hesitant to even go upstairs. I wonder why? Too many memories? Does it make him think and remember?
Yet he always seems to find an excuse to come by. Like yesterday. No need to drop off paid bills but he made a special trip over.
Like you I want the hug and kiss. Usually I get them although they are very chaste. I want something more passionate.
AS for the MIL mine acts like H and I never were married. He has become her son again not my H and she enjoys reminding me. Yet I know she prays for us every day to reconcile.
Sorry for my ranting on your thread. Sometimes helps to know others feel the same way. Hope your week is good.
Thanks Jethro, oh he's a good listener ..with everyone but me seems like..if I bring up some porblems at work he will listen, offer me ways to deal with it, but do you mean some issues about us? As far as the "love languages" don't know what you mean..I should try the leg thing(kinda sounds sexual!!)He was the toucher..why won't he allow himself that..he seems to hug people at church..I ache so when I see that. Dotty, was over at your post..it sure sounds like your and mine are carbon copies...mlc? sad that they are so unsure about what life has to offer or what is reight in front of them..but I liked your posts about being a friend..go about each day and not worry what they are doing..I too still wait to see if he will call me, for a Friday night movie..then get down when he doesn't..we have to stop doing it... Talk to you later Sue
No. I don't necessarily think that would be "safe."
Quote: As far as the "love languages" don't know what you mean..
Have you read the book "5 Love Languages" by Chapman? Since you are a DB veteran, I kind of assumed you did...sorry. In any case, this book discusses how there are 5 primary love languages that human beings need; however, one always shines significantly above the rest for each individual. These are: physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, and quality time. When one determines the love language of their S, and gives them what they need, then they feel loved, and thus, feel love for the partner who is providing it. Oftentimes, we know what love language we want FROM our S, and tend to give it to them thinking they'd like the same thing...but it's not so. For example, my W's language is "acts of service," but mine is "physical touch," so the way I used to show her I loved her was by touching her a lot. You see? It didn't really nurture her love for me because I wasn't nurturing her love. It always brings up the question of what did OP provide to your S that you were not providing?
So, my point is to ask you (after reading the book) what "love language" you think your H most prefers and how can you engage that "love language" to help bring him around?
Thanks for the info, jethro..another book to add to my db collection!!!It sure makes sense..although I can't decide which one I need..touching was never a biggie until I now see that i miss it..the gifts mean nothing, acts of service..not really..I guess between words of affirmation and quality time would probably be me..as far as h...he likes touch, but probably the words of affirmation..not sure though.Is is crazy that i have been with him so long and can't really pick just one for sure. I do know that last night I called him..I was nervous to call for fear of him thinking I am clinging or becoming neddy..anyway he completed his courses in the church lay leader program, and I am so excited and proud of him..because it is so important to him, and we were with other people at church this weekend and I never really had a chance to say how I felt, so I called..he actually sounded happy that I had called to tell him this. 3 months ago when we talked you could cut the tension with a knife..infact the past year he has seemed like I am wasting his time talking, as I was trying to make conversation and we were going through the motions of talking. So I would say this is a huge step for us and I felt great that I had done it. I do wish that maybe sometime he will ask me how I am, or hows work...some small message that he cares. My question then is "is he afraid to show he still cares...or he already knows that he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore..but does not know how to let me know. So, I feel good..but will let him make some moves..seems I say that and then I do the asking, or calling.. Sue
