Just needed to vent..again..was at church with mil today and we were talking to some other people and they were saying how great my h was to always be there helping with things that need to be done and how was he feeling after falling the other night while moving some pews, of course I did not know he had fallen,to make a long story short..after they walked away I said to mil, I should really go and tell them that we are seperated..and mil sayd to me"You really don't need to tell everyone until it's final"...I was so dumb struck that I could not respond..I thought maybe h has told her something I don't know..of course if you knew my mil..she's ok most of the time..but bossy and knows it all..doesn't always like the way I speak up..anyway it bothered me all afternoon..so tonight when I went back to church for program we were hosting..I saw h and he was so upbeat and happy and I asked him if aferward we could have a drink..he said yes..I asked him about falling and he said he had thought about telling this person about us and I said that too, that we could..and it was the perfect time to tell him what his mother said..and of course I had tears..right there handing out programs..he just smiled and said "you know my mother..don't pay any attention to what she says...I couldn't leave it alone so I said " I thought maybe you had told her something I did not know..he said again with his "disgusted mother smile" no.We did end up going out, but with a group. When he dropped me off I so wanted to hug him, or lean over and kiss him or talk..but I did not.I just wish I knew if he was waiting for me to make the first move..or if he is just wanting to take it slowwww or if he really has no feelings or attraction for me...some small sign.I just want to know if I am wanted or loved. It really stirs up alot about your childhood..I was never told I was loved..never hugged..kissed as a child..I had an ok childhood..just parents that did not express themselves with any of that..I have taken that all for granted these past 25 years..as h was the first person to make me feel loved and needed. I think that is what I am having a hard time with as time goes by..the fear of losing that part of the r..the only person that has been there for me may now decide that he doesn't need me anymore.
