Wow...you really need to try and get some sleep tonight, you're going to run yourself into the ground, if you don't. imLin stated it exactly what you need to do.
My feeling is that he tried to come back, based on the strong self-image you presented to him earlier, but when you sensed he wasn't emotionally there, you reverted back to your old self again...one of desperation. You talked him to death out of your insecurity and low self-esteem. Tam, he is so over that, it's scary...you need to get a hold of your self - tonight, right now and start changing this persona that you have. What is the worse case scenario? He divorces you...then what will you do, become? Think of it as this: Will you die? No you won't. You were not this way before you met him, I don't think, so why are you clingy, needy, desperate now? Your need to nurture him sounds more like you are "mothering" him, to no end. He already has a mother, he wants a wife, a partner for life. He can set his own appointments, arrange for his own travel needs, he is a big boy...he doesn't need, nor want, someone to run his life for him...yes, you are still trying to control him.
Let HIM run the show...stop the controlling factor, let him speak if he wants to, or not. Let there be silence between you both at work...when he chooses not to speak.
Tam, have you given any thought to seeing a therapist? The idea may help you put a laso on your need to control. imLin said that the OW is probably letting him, be himself...I couldn't agree more with her. That is what he finds appealing - as to the other option of being clingy and desperate. Do you see that?
It is CRITICAL...that you do not discuss or ask him anymore questions about "us". Do not Tam, before you left on your trip you had posted twice that you asked him if he was still going on the trip with you - twice, Tam, after you stated you wouldn't ask again - it was for "your affirmation". This is what really bothers me...you say you know what to do, everyone tells you the same thing...but you still go about it the wrong way. IT DOES NOT WORK YOUR WAY!!!...we have been there, done that...we are trying to help you not to fall in the same cracks that we did. You are your worse enemy...your behavior must change 180 degrees and stay that way...forever. I suggested a therapist because right now, I think you need to talk this out with someone who can impress upon you that you are pushing him away with this type of desperate behavior. You still don't understand that this is exactly what drives him back to her - your neediness.
Now, you're making yourself ill by richoceting off the walls in desperation to do or say anything to get him back...you are creating this turmoil in your own head. You are the reason that you can't sleep, eat or function...you. Tam, have one last cry tonight - then, tomorrow, you wake up, have a positive outlook at life, have faith, and walk into work like you are the Queen of the world...nothing, can bring you down.
Right now, no, you don't have any hope...why? Because last time you had hope, you misused it...let him go, stop mothering him and let him go...go to Vegas with a friend, he's not going to go with you, not now. Pick a friend and have a good time...relax and enjoy yourself. I want you to feel that he is gone from you except for work, that he is a stranger, you must seek your own happiness...that is the only way you'll learn to leave him alone.
Tam, you can salvage this marriage...but only when you detach yourself, truly, and let him go. Work on your self esteem and pumping up your PMA...that's what will make him notice - in time.
I'm always blunt with you and you know that, but it is just so easy to do, when I see a situation that can be repaired so easily and will have good results - however, you need to start applying the DB techniques in earnest, not halfway, but totally.
