Sorry I've been a stranger. I really have to limit my time on the BB. I find that it can consume me, and so I don't get around to friends like I used to.
I'm just getting caught up on recent developments. I applaud your "light bulb moment" and conversation with H. You may very well look back at this a few months from now and see it as a turning point.
We are told over and over that detachment is the key to DB. It takes some of us a long time for that to sink in and even longer to actually become good at it. Hell, some of us don't ever get it. For me, it took months and months of anguish...headaches, sleepless nights, long walks, practically living on the BB...before I got it.
One of the biggest hurdles most of us face...the hardest thing to accept...is that we can only do so much. It only takes one spouse to end a marriage, but it takes both to make it work. No amount of effort from you and you alone can put your M back together. He has to do his part, and if he's not ready yet, there's nothing you can do about it. He has to want to come back to you, and all you can do is to try to attract him back. That pretty much makes you an interested bystander, which is what loving detachment is all about.
Quote: through the tears I said that I am learning that I will be ok, and that I can go on with life...do things with out him...
You have left him no doubt that you love him, and that the door is open for him. Now he has to take the initiative. You can make that door as attractive and inviting as you like, but it's up to him whether he will walk through it.
Detach as much as you can from your emotional rollercoaster, and concentrate on self-improvement. Working on yourself, making those changes and adjustments that you need to make, is the best way of attracting him back. Showing him that you can live happily without him will make you all the more attractive. Isn't it human nature to want what we don't have? It will also make you appear calm and confident, and as so many others have agreed across the BB, confidence is extremly attractive.
I think you are doing very well. Detachment is an easy concept to understand, but a very hard one to implement. Remember that situations can change almost overnight. When I finally detached from my W's alien behaviors, things began to change within a few weeks. Sometimes change takes a lot longer, sometimes it doesn't happen at all. Sometimes it takes so long, we decide it's not worth the effort anymore and we give up. Decide what is best for you, and don't worry about your H's state of mind, because it's out of your hands. Remember the Serenity Prayer...accept the things that you cannot change.
