Just stopping by to say howdy and thanks for posting on my thread.
Quote: I am so envious of the threads I have read where after only a few weeks or months the spouses are calling...hugging..kissing...talking and I don't have any kind of response or ideas what h is doing or thinking.
Sue, just because you read about some of the positive interactions other people are having does not diminish the progress you have made. To be honest, I get hugs, kisses, snuggles, and sex, but you know what, I still do not have my W's heart. I'd trade some (not all ) of that stuff just to know that she loves me.
I find your posts interesting because your H has chosen to S to get his head straight. This is something my W keeps bringing up, but won't do it (yet) because of the children. I'm beginning to wonder if it's really what needs to be done. Anyway, I digress.
welcome to my thread, jethro...how do you find it interesting that h left to have space?? At first when he wanted out, I took it as"not wanting to be with me", then when he said it was him, needing to "find himself" I thought ok..lately because he does not contact me at all, I am back to "he really does not want to be with me, in our home". He does not go to his part time church job till all hours like he did when he was home..hmmm..likes to be alone at his own place.Am I wrong in thinking that?? I know there are many good things that have happened..I have not by any means given up..
Quote: how do you find it interesting that h left to have space?
Jeez...sorry. Lately I've not been communicating too well. I did the same thing on LL's thread today too. What I meant was, I find your thread interesting in that your H is exhibiting (and has acted on) some of the same things my W has been talking about for some time. In other words, it's interesting in how it relates to my sitch. Don't be mad...
Quote: At first when he wanted out, I took it as "not wanting to be with me"
I know...I felt the same way after the first two bombs. But sometimes--and my thoughts are changing a little on this--I think that they really need space. I saw a statistic today that said about 80% of M'd couples at one time or another S for at least a month during their M. I just thought this interesting...
Good day Sue,
I have been pondering your sitch for a while now, and it seems that for you, your sitch has developed and taken a different direction than most. I'm not saying its better or worse, just different. As most others transition into a detached state, few really achieve total detachment and on occasion push/search for some kind of feedback from spouse as to their state of mind. The one positive outcome is that we do get some insight into what their issues are and what there approach to those issues are at the time and over time we can see them working to make some sort of progress in whatever direction.
In your case, Sue, you have done such an exceptional job of detaching from his issues and don't push for any feedback along with unfortunately him not offering any, is really keeping you in the dark as to how he is progressing with his issues and that must be very tough to deal with too. . So Sue, we understand your frustrations and there is no reason we would be hard on you.
I know you have mentioned he is not much for expressing himself, but I wonder if encouraging him to open up some about himself would bring you closer. This could achieve a couple of things. One ... it will continue to fortifiy you do have an interest and want to be supportive in what he is working through, and thereby still show you care for him. Two ... it will give you a better understanding of what he is going through and hopefully shed some light upon you so you won't feel so much in the dark.
Focus the questions and strictly keep the subject about him and not how it relates to you or "OR". Ask the questions with a positive slant. Perhaps start it off with saying how you notice how much more relaxed he seems lately ... good for him ... so in some ways things must be improving for him ... what is getting better? Try to keep the conversation directed as one friend that is concerned for another.
Jethro...It's ok, I just did not get what you were saying..interesting that maybe they do need the space, and as h said it is about him not me.
Dotto...great to hear you are doing for you, I know the loneliness...we will make it.
KAW...I have felt all along from what I read that my sitch is not the normal sep, I can't describe it...I have been thinking how I would approach h with some of those questions...I sure do not want him to feel pressured into talking, maybe that is why he does not come around, fearing I might bring it up...when he told our kids about the move he said we needed to get to know each other again, and if he came over and I let him spend the night, that it would not mean that everything was ok again, but that if he did not stay that things were bad...so when is he going to act on any of these things? Should I call him on the phone and ask if he wants to talk about things, no that doesn't sound right..should I appear on his doorstep...don't think so...I just don't know how to get him to open up if he doesn't come around, at a time when kids are not here..I'll keeep thinking it through rather that jump in and say something stupid. I did call him the other night to share a computer mess that I had at work..and he called me back at work today to see what the end result was...now he did not have to.I really think I have to get some answers out of him as to what he is feeling..he very well might be waiting for me to make the first move..I need to know what he is feeling.We are not progressing as a couple, but maybe we are as individuals and that is good. See ya Sue
Good day Sue, Would your work schedules allow you to invite him for lunch? What about a casual bite to eat out for dinner or just coffee? The first couple of times, just keep them light and upbeat encounters. "How's it gonin'?"... kinda thing. Creating an enviorment where he feels comfortable is a form of encouragement to help him open up or feel pressured by answering your questions.
Hi...I have thought about asking h for coffee or something..just to break some ice...yet I don't know now...went to church this a.m. and h was up front singing with their group and for some reason I noticed that his ring was off...at first I thought maybe I just missed it, but no...it is off. I know you might think he took it off to shower and forgot it...he has never taken that ring off in 24 yrs except when he was working on a greasy pipe or car...so....is he trying to tell me without having to talk to me that he doesn't want to be married?? You know I have been pretty patient, try to understand but **** it if he want this m over then get the balls to come to me and tell me...I'll move on best I can...it is this sh** of not knowing that is driving me bonkers sometimes.. of course all these things seem to come up when I am at my "emotional time" and I just feel like giving up and getting on with a d or whatever he wants... We went out to lunch with mil and sil, and they asked us over tonight for pizza and games...he is coming by soon to pick me up..will see if ring is on... don't know if I should ask. I seem to be so good...then something occurs and I feel like there is no hope. Whew...I feel better Sue
you know what sue, I can totaly relate to checking for the ring, I did it all summer long till finally after many months of h's saying he wanted a d, I took the ring from him. you know that my h left, wanted a d, took off his ring, but is now home and does not want d.
soooooo what am I saying??? I don't think it all really matters much right now. you might ask h about the ring, you might not like the answer, but it really doesn't matter. what matters is that you put the focus on yourself, live for you!! enjoy your life! and let h figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out.
) of that stuff just to know that she loves me. 