Making the leap - Hopefully wount Jinx it!

[cat03]

As far as what happened with your H, I wonder if it was him trying to ML and did it in a way you aren't used to. I was reading a book about how sometimes men don't do much forplay and just want to reach for their partner as a release from stress and that's why it is quick and to the point. Not because they don't want to be loving but because sometimes they just need to do it to release some tension.

Now, what I see is lack of communication, you wanted your H to know you that you felt bad about the way he treated you so you cried. Did you think about waiting a bit and then tenderly later, when you were more composed, ask him to be more gentle?
Tears frustrate men, in my H's case it always comes as manipulative (maybe because his mom guilt trips him into EVERYthing).

He prob got frustrated and told you he can't see things getting better since he saw you cry and doesn' understand how he hurt you. Please please try to be patient, this sitch wont' be fixed in weeks, it will be fixed in MONTHS. For every year of damage in a marriage you need a month to work things out.

I know how hurt you are, I know you feel unloved and you want to be taken cared of. That right now it doesnt' seem possible he will be loving to you. It takes a long time and LOADS of patience honey.
But as someone posted here a while ago "if your mood/happiness depends upon the behavior of others, something is very wrong."

It is hard to live like this, yes, but it is worth it. Whenever you get a negative thought like "Sometimes I feel like my h cares more about our dog then me" you need to counteract it and negate it "my H isnt' loving right now because he isnt' whole".
He can't give you what he doesn't have, right now he is prob still dealing w/his depression. My H pretty much told me that, that he had nothign to give me, and that's how I took him back.

Listen, things WILL improve, I'm very very happy w/my H now, when about this time last year my H didn't even think we could work things out, when he didnt' love me.

I will post this "cheat sheet" of old posts I reread when I felt down, I posted these to someone else on this board too:

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Nothing dramatic, nothing angry....just done out of peace and respect. The more I let him go and showed him unconditional love the more he would come closer to me. he even told me later when I did this it drew him closer to me " cause it felt like I believed in him!"
I think you need to give him alot of space and allow yourself to heL CAUSE YOU HAVE A HARD PART TO GO THRU IF HE TRULY WNATS TO RECONCILE. aND DO NOT RUSH ANYTHING, YOU WANT HIM YOU WANT HIM TO GROW. NOT FORCE HIM TOO.

JOKERMAN WOULD TELL ME NOT TO PUSH AT ALL CAUSE HE WOULD BE MORE DRAWN TO WANT TO BE A PART OF THE ow. I loved the advice he gave me and I will tell you that sometimes I thought well
me??? I do not push but upon further examination of myself I realized as humble as I am I could let go more and get thru the fear and soothe myself not expect him to fix my PAIN>

A month ago he would have not been as calm or sweet about this subject. It will be a BATTLE honey but if this is what you really want then prepare yourself. you will need lots of strength, it tests your love for yourself to go thru this. I knew that i had to be strong to get thru this and not let my emotions rule me. Be his safe place to land and by that I do not mean be a doormat, be strong be yourself but do not cause any drama be calm. I feel as though I was rambling a bit but I hope you get some good out of waht I have sadi to you. I care alot BOUT YOU AND WISH YOU ALL THE BEST BUT REMEBER THAT IT WIL TAKE TIME. i STILL LOOK AT MY h AND WANT TO CRY CAUSE i CANNO T BELIEVE i MADE IT THRU AND HELD ON WHEN i FELT LIKE HE WAS KILLING ME WHILE ALIVE AND i HELD ON AND STAYED STRONG AND NEVER GAVE UP AND MOST OF ALL DID NOT SCREAM, SHOW ANGER OR BE MENA TO HIM. I WAS HUMBLE AND I WAS WHO GOD WOULD LIKE FOR ME TO BE. I WAS ACTING IN A WAY THAT WOULD MAKE GOD HIMSELF PROUD OF ME. And I would remind myself when I felt my temper coming ON " WILL WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO HELP ME REACH MY GOAL? IF NOT THEN DO NOT SAY IT OR DO IT.
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Love yourself enough to know that you are beautiful, worthwhile, precious, caring,loving, important, sexy, loved, valued and amazing ..
.... carry with you a love for yourself that helps you shine even when the world seems out to get you, be the beautiful Woman that is there underneath all the fear, underneath all the bull sh*t that has been done to you, and ABOVE someone who would ever allow herself to get involved with YOUR husband to begin with. You are better than that do not let her rob you of your happiness. Long and short of it love yourself and show him love like he never hurt you.
...be the fun, smiling person you used to be before he took your heart out and hung it to dry. I always felt as though my h tied me to the back of his truck and forgot to look back and then when he finally untied me,, I had a lot of healing to do...
......... you can do this kepp coming here for support. Love x, love and love some more, allow him to grow and become the man he needs to be for you and most of all for himself.

I can go to bed at nite knowing I did everything in my Power to be the beautiful person I am and to rise above their Sh*t and still live in THE ....light. I remained faithful and worked towards my miracle. I know you can do this too.
..... for you have integrity too.
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You are breeding negativity.
STOP IT.
Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband?
Of course the man is not "happy"!
He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family.
HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM??
It's your move.
The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him.
A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself.
He needs someone to give him a chance.
Your daughters need someone to give Daddy a chance.
If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce and I won't even bat an eye if you do. I will understand.
But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance.
It's up to you.
Fear or faith?
Which one are you gonna feed tonight?
I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics.
WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES?
What if.....?
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Whatever proves to be the hardest thing for you to do is precisely what you HAVE to do.
If it's bringing up OP, then you have to stop.
You just have to stop it.
You're giving her too much power.
SHE'S NOTHING.


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"The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
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You can do it, 20yrs together are worth the work, you have so much to gain if you hang on. I don't know if you are a praying person, but I know I found God again through this ordeal. Tell God you can't handle it anymore, to take charge of this sitch, to fill you w/that love your H isnt' able to provide just now. Pray morning and night, and you'll find the peace you need to wait out this storm.