Well, I thought I might fish around for some advice, insight, or something resembling a handle on what's going on.
For those of you who don't know my particular hell, here's a rundown:
Me - pushing 4-0. W - mid-thirties. No offspring. No living pets.
W left in June. Needed to "work things out," required "time alone".
By July, obvious that OM involved. EA, likely becomes PA by August.
Present: ever-renewed questions about future (divorce). Conversations like "well, it's been nearly a year now..."
W lives within walking distance. Spends a great deal of time with me, constantly reiterates how much she "loves" me. However, cannot "come back to this marriage."
Background: W from abusive family. Cut off contact about ten years ago; now dealing with aftermath.
Possible "MLC," especially dealing with self-esteem and self-realization issues.
Definite WAW - now says she was "unhappy" for years; big job change (mine), and she's gone like the wind.
For the whole dirty tale, please see the previous thread. I assure you, it's a wonderful tale of misery.
OK, here's my question. Somebody please help with this:
What do you do when the OM appears to your spouse as "friendly" to her "self-becoming" (or whatever you call what happens when people go through psychological growth periods)?
Her OM is "soft like cotton" regarding her efforts to "become herself." On the other hand, she says that she feels like I "look strangely on it."
That's about as definite as she's willing to cast it for me.
In the past, I seemed to be "controlling," etc. Part of this is true, part isn't: my W had pretty serious problems, ie. drinking, self-destructive behavior, etc., and I thought it was "best" that I "watched over her." I'm just laying out the fact, not trying to justify myself. Some of this has probably carried over even after she's gotten past some of those things.
So now, as she "grows" into a woman who can have an adulterous relationship with a moron twenty years her senior (and who, incidentally, "makes her feel like she is mentally ill), I'm once again cast in the role of the evil, controlling old husband who wants to keep her under his thumb.
Which is about as far from the truth as can be.
I've learned since this has all blown up that I've been so tied up with her feelings and so on that I could be called "co-dependent." If she was happy, I was. If she was sad, me too. Not miles away from "controlling" behavior to be sure, but not exactly good for one's psyche, either.
Don't want that anymore.
And, on top of that, every time she realized her ambitions, I loved her more. It was kind of nice to have her "going somewhere" in her life too.
Ok. Have I made it clear that I want her to grow, but just not into the arms of a shambling approximation of a man?
So, in line with all the vaunted principles of DB, I've been "working on myself," etc.
And I've been listening to her - which means patiently sitting through her admissions of love for OM, how he makes her feel (when not crazy), and all manner of other sorts of things that make my flesh crawl.
But it really makes me feel like a piece of you-know-what when I'm still seen as the "enemy" to her becoming "herself".
In the end, she claims that this marriage nearly drove her to suicide, and that she lost herself in its midst. I'm horrified by this, and would do anything to change it. I thought I was. But apparently the idea of me as a husband arouses all the fears of her losing her very self all over again.
I'm not a psychic vampire, and I'm selfish to only the average crappy degree. But I'm making improvements.
How do I show her that I'm there for her in becoming herself, while still in the middle of her affair?
