Thanks, Lin. You wrote just at the right time. I'm in and out of tears today and feeling desperate again but am putting on a smiley face on the exterior for him.
I think I feel worse today than I did over the weekend. Part of it might be just because I'm really, really tired. I hardly got any sleep last night and had to get up early. I came in to the office early to try and get a jump on some work things, but I just cannot seem to concentrate. And I have so much to do...
I saw H this morning already. He called me and asked if I had some time to talk about the business finances. I said I did, and he said he'd be up to the office in a bit. He asked if I needed him to get anything on the way, which was nice. We had a nice conversation when he was here, and it went fine, but my heart was tearing into pieces the whole time. But I did NOT let on that I was upset. I think I did good.
He asked me whether I wanted to take a shredder that we just bought "home." I know that sounds silly, but at least he is still calling it "home." It's funny how you see the small stuff when you're going through something like this, isn't it?
Lin, I so hope that you are right about him just telling me it was over to get me off his back. I feel so hopeless right now. The bad moments far outweigh the ones that I can force positive thoughts into my mind, and I am physically sick to my stomach again today.
I keep wanting to ask him "Do you think there is still any hope for us?" I know I can't, but I'm just so desperate for some sort of hope to hold onto. Please help me to be strong and get my wits about me!
I miss his so much. I miss the way he looked at me with love in his eyes. I miss being held at night. I miss knowing I could call him anytime that I wanted and didn't have to worry about what I said. I miss feeling wanted. I miss being ME!
I hope the doctor will be able to give me some type of medicine this week that will help to calm my nerves. I'm honestly getting worried about the business; things are falling through the cracks because I just can't seem to pull myself together to focus.
Sometimes I wonder if I just need to say either we're going to work on this or we're going to end this NOW (my impatience), as this being in limbo without any known end in sight is absolutely horrible...
