Hey, Sue - thanks for stopping by my thread earlier. It appears that Christmas for you went relatively well. I know how tough it can be this time of year but I hope that the new year will bring a lot of DB success your way!
By the way - any thoughts about New Year's resolutions yet?
Just some journaling..this morning MIL called(she has been having some health problems)and was so short of breath, wanted me to take her to emergency room..she could not get ahold of my h or his b and sisters..so she called me..of course I would do anything for her..so I did and left message on h cell phone..h and SIL met me there..did a bunch of tests, can't find out what is wrong so sent her home. I stayed the whole time and thought to myself"does h even appreciate that she called me?" He would do the same for me,but I think I would have at least said thanks for being there for my Mom. I know I am expecting too much..he has never been one to thank me..but darn it maybe he needs to see that he has to change some things too.Isn't that what this time alone thing is suppose to be about?? Sorry, I don't want to turn this into anything negative..it's just that I want to see or hear something from him that tells me anything..I always have this habit now of looking to see if he still wears his ring..of course it is always on..I am so bad to think that he only wears it when he knows he will see me, not true..I have to get a hold on these old insecure ideas that start to creep back in.Well, guess I will go to Borders and enjoy the music that they offer tonight..I find myself so lonely on the weekend evenings as it seems we have had so many things going the past month, now that I am alone it seems weird.Take care all.. Sue
Good day Sue, Have been checking in from time to time, just not much to say, but was wondering ... is there perhaps a friend or two you know, perhaps from work, that you can invite over one afternoon during the weekend or entertain with perhap dinner and some cards or something? Perhaps if they bring their spouse and if your husband is there doing laundry, you strike up a foursome ... anyone for Bridge ... (actually, I would "kill" for a game of Pinochle.)
Happy 2003!! I truly hope that this new year is a beginning for all of us here to really be able to find peace...even if our r don't turn out the way we hope for, but to really be able to say "I am a stronger person for all that I am trying to cope with." To find the happiness and respect and love that we all deserve..of course I pray that it is with our spouses!!! I usually do not have resolutions..I do hope I can keep the weight off that I have lost this year..I want to continue to grow in the ways that I have been afraid to in the past. Last night h came over, we had some freinds and relatives in to play some games..one game "Imanginiff" where you try to choose out of 6 answers what one player would choose..it is hard to explain, but h and I seemed to guess right for each other..it seems small but a little step in that I had lost track on how much we really do know about each other.The last few years I feel like we don't know each other anymore, but when little things about the past come up, we both seem to remember.. I don't think I just made any sense..sorry H went home about 1a.m...wish he would have just said he would stay the night..guess he is not ready to..will he ever be?? I have been replaying everything in my mind and what ifs are creeping in..h been gone 6 weeks..what if 6mos. from now we are still at this same point?? Why won't he talk to me about his feling now as oppsed to 3 months ago..just let me know if he feels better about things..I have to be patient, coming here helps me sort it all out.. See ya Sue
Of course, you know that "patience" is the by-word for DB. Can you begin to count how many times you have read that word since coming on the BB? And all the other DB cliche's that seem so tired and worn-out, "act as if...keep doing what works...hope for everything, expect nothing", etc. Until you actually take these things to heart, and live them, they remain cliche's.
I am just one man with one man's experience behind me, so unfortunately, all I can relate to you is what has and hasn't worked for me . I heard from wise and experienced DBers, from my first days on the BB, that the trick (maybe "trick" is the wrong word, "concept" is better) behind DB is to detach from the chaos of the present situation, stop obsessing over what the Walk-Away-Spouse is doing and concentrate solely on yourself and self-improvement...to remake yourself into the person that you used to be and the person your spouse fell in love with. I know, I know...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm sure you've heard it a million times, just as I did. It got to where I was screaming for everyone to shove the cliche's up their a$$ and just tell me something that I could use and that would work.
I, like you, was worried about time frames. I worried about being separated 3 months. When that passed it was six months. Then 8 and then 10. Now it's been a year for us. In the beginning, if someone had told me that we would be still separated after a year, I would have called him a liar, because I just knew I couldn't go a whole year away from my W. Sometimes now I think about how long it has been, and I get very sad. But that's only if I allow myself to think about what I've missed this past year. When I think about the progress my W and I have made, and especially the changes and growth I've experienced, I am extremely upbeat and optimistic.
W and I remained friends and on friendly terms, but there was no real progress in my sitch for 10 months. Progress didn't start until I truly let go, detached, quit obsessing and was able to convince my wife that I was strong and confident, didn't need her, and could move on and be happy without her. You know what? Two months later, we are spending quality time together, holding hands, touching and beginning to speak of a future together. Now I'm thinking, "Hell, that wasn't so bad. If things are this good after 1 year, I'll bet I could do another." Not really, but you get the point. When peope are happy and content, it's human nature to forget the pain that they've been through. That's why many woman have more than 1 child.
I had been waiting for someone to tell me something that I could use and that would work...something that would change my sitch around. To my chagrin, I found that I had been given the concepts that work from my first day on the BB. The concepts that work are all the DB cliche's that I used to be so tired of hearing. Now I embrace them and live them every day, and repeat them like a mantra in my head.
Keep looking for signs and baby steps. Keep being his friend and biggest supporter. Keep hope alive, but don't let hope consume you. Stay centered in reality. Keep working on the person you want to become, and H will be attracted back to you, or he won't. But, at this time, it's the only thing that you can do about your marriage.
Sue - greetings and a Happy New Year from here in NC!
Reading through Robbie's post and there's a wealth of good information to be had. Things that are easy to forget especially where our R's currently stand. Fits in very nicely with Michele's first step in DR: Start with a beginner's mind.
Perhaps that is something we all should do as 2003 gets rolling. We will hope for the best but will be fine regardless of what happens.
Quoting KAW on 12/30/02: ... is there perhaps a friend or two you know, perhaps from work, that you can invite over one afternoon during the weekend or entertain with perhap dinner and some cards or something?
Quoting hoping on 01/01/03: Last night h came over, we had some freinds and relatives in to play some games..one game "Imanginiff" ...
Wow that was fast work Sue!!
Actually, it looks like you were a step ahead of me already. It sounds like is was a good evening. Don't need to be a special occasion though, perhaps one or two evenings a month. Gives you something more to look forward to each month and perhaps he might too.
Hey, thanks you guys for chcecking in and the GREAT advice.. Robbie, where have you been...you wrote such words of hope and inspiration to me..the beginner here.I know that deep down tings have been going slowly in the right direction, but I sometimes want it all to be better right now. I am so thankful that we have this bb to come to and are able to get the reality checks back..It sound like you and your w are on the right path to piecing your m..do you have a post somewhere I could read your story?
Kaw, you are always so wise with your thoughts and suggestions..we are going to movie tomorrow with some friends...I wish h would call me and WANT to go with just me to a movie like old times..or ask me to grab a bite to eat..like old times..but as I know he is just in the beginning of finding his own self in all this. If most of you can recall there was this ff(that I still believe played a huge part in our distancing),anyways since she has her new mf(lover, boyfriend, whatever he is) she has kinda dumped my h for all the "other" stuff she needed for all these months while her own m was falling apart.I think, not sure and don't want to ask my h, but I think he is having a hard time feeling like he was used..Again, maybe I am way off here, and lord knows from the past, I can be way off. But..when I start to think insecure thoughts, I think maybe it was all a plot, she is using new mf for awhile, till my h and I are sep for a length, then they will be a "couple". I know, I know..I have said all this before, but what if??? I really don't believe it, but what if her new mf does not work out??If I am right and that she has no time for my h now, that he won't fall into her trap again...just some thoughts. Thanks again for all the responses...I really am trying to foccus on me...and it is kinda nice not to have to worry about where I go or when I'll be home... Till next time Sue
hi sue, think we have something in common with the female friend thing, only diff being it was hidden from me.
I wouldn't worry much about her though... h is seeing what she is all about...fairweather friend she is. he was there for her when she was dealing with her h issues and now that he is dealing with things she's off with her man.
you are a better woman sue, h knows it and you should know it too!!
just keep the focus on you and let h figure it out himself.
Went to movie last night with h and some friends..went bac to their house for pie(h had said that our friend had asked him if he liked pecan pie and he said he did, but that I did not, I did not realize until we got there that he had told them my favorite kind and that is what they had gotten)I know it sounds silly but that was so nice of my h to think of me..he could have told them an kind of pie that he likes..but he thought of me(something he has not done for a long time)I should have told him later how nice that was of him..but I did not think to..another thing we have never been very good at doing for each other. Wish I knew if he was waiting for the first talk, move from me..should I ask?? I do so well with patience, but what if we are both wasting precious time waiting for the other to show some signs of wanting to repair this...silence can be good, but at the same time devastating...I think his Christmas party is coming up this next weekend, he asked me a few weeks about going..will wait and see if he mentions it..knowing him he will about Thurs..and i might not be able to contain myself!!! Patience... Good night Sue
It sounds like is was a good evening. Don't need to be a special occasion though, perhaps one or two evenings a month. Gives you something more to look forward to each month and perhaps he might too.