Of course, you know that "patience" is the by-word for DB. Can you begin to count how many times you have read that word since coming on the BB? And all the other DB cliche's that seem so tired and worn-out, "act as if...keep doing what works...hope for everything, expect nothing", etc. Until you actually take these things to heart, and live them, they remain cliche's.
I am just one man with one man's experience behind me, so unfortunately, all I can relate to you is what has and hasn't worked for me . I heard from wise and experienced DBers, from my first days on the BB, that the trick (maybe "trick" is the wrong word, "concept" is better) behind DB is to detach from the chaos of the present situation, stop obsessing over what the Walk-Away-Spouse is doing and concentrate solely on yourself and self-improvement...to remake yourself into the person that you used to be and the person your spouse fell in love with. I know, I know...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm sure you've heard it a million times, just as I did. It got to where I was screaming for everyone to shove the cliche's up their a$$ and just tell me something that I could use and that would work.
I, like you, was worried about time frames. I worried about being separated 3 months. When that passed it was six months. Then 8 and then 10. Now it's been a year for us. In the beginning, if someone had told me that we would be still separated after a year, I would have called him a liar, because I just knew I couldn't go a whole year away from my W. Sometimes now I think about how long it has been, and I get very sad. But that's only if I allow myself to think about what I've missed this past year. When I think about the progress my W and I have made, and especially the changes and growth I've experienced, I am extremely upbeat and optimistic.
W and I remained friends and on friendly terms, but there was no real progress in my sitch for 10 months. Progress didn't start until I truly let go, detached, quit obsessing and was able to convince my wife that I was strong and confident, didn't need her, and could move on and be happy without her. You know what? Two months later, we are spending quality time together, holding hands, touching and beginning to speak of a future together. Now I'm thinking, "Hell, that wasn't so bad. If things are this good after 1 year, I'll bet I could do another." Not really, but you get the point. When peope are happy and content, it's human nature to forget the pain that they've been through. That's why many woman have more than 1 child.
I had been waiting for someone to tell me something that I could use and that would work...something that would change my sitch around. To my chagrin, I found that I had been given the concepts that work from my first day on the BB. The concepts that work are all the DB cliche's that I used to be so tired of hearing. Now I embrace them and live them every day, and repeat them like a mantra in my head.
Keep looking for signs and baby steps. Keep being his friend and biggest supporter. Keep hope alive, but don't let hope consume you. Stay centered in reality. Keep working on the person you want to become, and H will be attracted back to you, or he won't. But, at this time, it's the only thing that you can do about your marriage.
