Good morning to you too Mama. Yes, limbo sucks, but I know I can get through it--I've come this far! And I do feel great about that. Life IS phenomenal.
Mama said this several days ago, and I want to come back to it:
"You have given alot of thought to how you want your life to be, now live it like you already have all of those things."
I am going to focus more on this concept...I had a chance to get out for a few hours to do some shopping this morning, and it was interesting to me that on my half-hour drive, naggy little thoughts about my sitch kept creeping in, and I refused to let them bother me--just let them float right on out of my head. By the time I reached the mall, I felt great, and enjoyed looking strangers in the eye and smiling. It occured to me that I am getting better at this, and I am feeling so much more secure. THIS IS HOW I WANT TO LIVE. An abundant life, full of joy and peace and love.
No change in daily interactions with H...I'm still praying, but no longer pleading.
Hello Aud, Just thought I'd jump the tracks and head over to your cozy thread for a moment. Don't you have the herd of SAGES over here! You are definitely in good hands! One quick question...a ridiculous one but I have to ask. What would you consider LIMBO? I see it referenced all over these boards and it seems to come in different shades, beasts and definitions. Just curious. I often feel like I am in limbo, but it could be insaneness, trepidation and just pure anger at times.. Anyway, Your power and forthright is admirable and thanks for visiting my thread on the other end! Peace....
For me, limbo is this: waiting for things beyond my control to be resolved. Specifically, H's reluctance to move home and be more than my boyfriend.
Your question is truly interesting, because as I think about it, I realize that I still have some expectations that are very likely unrealistic. For some reason, I keep hoping that something will click inside H, and it'll be like he just WAKES UP and realizes that he's got a FABULOUS wife and gorgeous kids and a great life, and they deserve nothing less than for him to drop his impenetrable defensive wall, realize how his actions have repeated themselves over the years and LEARN how to stop his "screw up" patterns (his words), live up to his potential, move home, ask for forgiveness for all the pain he's put them through (or at least show a smidgen of remorse), return to activity in church and be the leader and protector of his home. Oh, and maybe spend more time with the family than with his ATV (or other ultimate horse-power project).
Sigh. I'm not asking too much, am I? (eye roll) Many of these things are pretty unrealistic, given H's personality and continuiing ambivalence. Maybe some of them will come with time, but the likelihood of them coming all at once, overnight is slim indeed. I have yet to figure out exactly what I need to require in my M, so I'm not forever disrespected and taken for granted--and what expectations I need to let go in order to make our R a safe and desirable place for H to be.
In the end, he is the father of my children and I love him. So here I am, detaching and sharing my feelings with everyone BUT him for fear of driving him off, reaching, stretching, striving to improve my understanding and skills, but at the end of the day, I'm in limbo, because I'm shouldering 90% of the load...and don't have a clue as to how long I will be required continue to fight alone.
waiting for things beyond my control to be resolved
Since things are beyond your control, why waste your energy on it?
Quote:
I keep hoping that something will click inside H, and it'll be like he just WAKES UP and realizes that he's got a FABULOUS wife and gorgeous kids and a great life, and they deserve nothing less than for him to drop his impenetrable defensive wall, realize how his actions have repeated themselves over the years and LEARN how to stop his "screw up" patterns (his words), live up to his potential, move home, ask for forgiveness for all the pain he's put them through (or at least show a smidgen of remorse), return to activity in church and be the leader and protector of his home. Oh, and maybe spend more time with the family than with his ATV (or other ultimate horse-power project).
Sigh. I'm not asking too much, am I?
Well, I don't think you are asking for too much. Why not break this down into small baby steps? Are there some things that you can let go of and live without? Your H likes ATV's, is this something the family could do with him? Shake things up a bit and try something different. Just a thought...
Mama, I just love you. I just got out of the shower, and had been thinking about the "limbo" thing, and decided that focusing on it is allowing it to expand, so I'm going to let that frustration go, and keep focusing on the fact that really, my life is pretty good.
Yes, as the weather gets better, the kids and I can spend some time with H in ATV-related activities. He has mentioned the possibility of getting one for me, and I think I will pursue that direction. Now, I would like a large check to appear in the mail this month so I can build a machine shop for H in our back yard!
I will put some thought to what I need to see from/ask of H, and possible break downs.
Here are the positive things H did this weekend: -stayed with the kids for 5 hours on Saturday morning so I could do some shopping -came over for dinner yesterday afternoon -he left after dinner, but came back to watch a television show we enjoy together late in the evening -after the show, he gave me two hours of undivided attention
Greetings Aud, That was a good explanation on how you see what Limbo is. My explanation after thinking about it is "Smelling the pie in the kitchen through the window..knowing its there and experiencing some of it but not yet experiencing a piece of it." ..that came out a little worse than I thought BAD metaphor, insert favorite pastry or dish and put in slice where needed...sorry I like your positives list and think I will try that myself. I also think Mama is right on the latching on to the things that are out of our control...control ourselves and the day will follow...so just again dropping by..peace
I like your definition too Whapu. Either way, Mama is right--the main issue for us is to stop fretting over it and let it go. Glad you liked the positives list, and hope you keep it up!
Here's what was positive from yesterday:
H's mother invited me to attend the local high school musical last night, so H came to stay with the kids. He seemed rather annoyed when we left that we would be gone for three hours--he's trying to get ready for a big riding trip with his dad and brothers this weekend...things to do, you know? Anyway, I returned home expecting him to be a little ornery. He wasn't. He had all the kids in bed, diapers changed (this NEVER happened once pre-bomb...he took great pride in the fact he'd never changed a diaper). He was cheerful and even spent an hour lounging on the couch watching TV with me.
BAD metaphor, insert favorite pastry or dish and put in slice where needed...sorry