I have a very embarrassing problem and I'm really hoping someone can help. I'm very afraid that I will be judged as a total jerk and if that shoe fits, I guess I have to wear it.
My W of and I had been in a 10-year SSM and I was getting more and more disconnected. Then, about 4 years ago, while out of town, I met some people who invited me to their hotel for a party which turned out to be somewhat of a swinger thing. With excessive amounts of alcohol and feeling (incorrectly) a bit resentful and entitled, along with the fact that this type of activity isn't (in my convoluted mind) very meaningful, I decided to participate.
The next day, along with feeling hung-over, I felt guilty, lost and a bit ashamed but also nostalgic about our early days when we had a good SL. So over the next couple of days, my shame, guilt and remorse turned into an energetic commitment to fix the marriage and get back to a point where I enjoyed being married and could have even an inkling of sex-life we once had.
I read SSM and booked some time with a C. The C suggested that I don't tell my W about the incident...that I need to live with my guilt. My W eventually joined us and we made great progress together and even started getting our SL back. We did ML on a schedule for the first year and it felt like we were on the right track. I started to feel like the schedule was a bit "forced" and I decided not to push it anymore. The frequency dropped as my W's sexual initiation didn't really improve much. It wasn't a total wash because our communication opened up and I had a more compassionate understanding of her and she become much more respectful of me.
I still have moments where I feel bummed that she doesn't initiate more. It really is magical when she does and it really boosts my feelings for her.
Now for the kicker...and kids...pay attention to this.
A couple months after my infidelity, I had a small bump appear in the vicinity of my private parts...the exposed area just above where the condom was. I didn't think anything of it and my dermatologist froze it off and said it didn't look like an std.
4 years later, after going through some stressful life changes, another tiny bump reappeared in the same area. I went to a dermatologist who excised a bit for testing, and electrocuted the rest of it off. What happened next was a bombshell. The dermatologist called my house and told the test results to my W...it was hpv. My W had never heard of it but googled it and completely (understandably) flipped out.
Out of denial, I didn't want to believe it was from my infidelity but rather something I had been carrying around prior to meeting my W or divine intervention (which I'm still not ruling out ;-) ). But mostly, I didn't want to confess to the incident from 4 years back. After more prodding from her about it, I finally confessed. She took a cool head and asked me to get more details from the Dr. and ensure that it wasn't the type that causes cervical cancer. The Dr. said it was a type which is 1. no the cancer-causing type. 2. harder to spread 3. even harder to spread as long as I have no physical traces of it. 4. would require a combination of me having signs of it and my W having a low immune system to spread it to her. 5. That being a squamous cell, it didn't necessarily come as an STD. My W was comforted by these results and even joked with me that I confessed for no reason.
Despite the fact that it was physically minimized and my W's "seemingly" good reaction, she W needed some time to come to grips with my infidelity but according to her, my not telling her was more of a blow. She would say "I'm hurt that you felt you had to lie...I can handle anything and we can work though anything as long as we both want to stay with each other".
Having apologized profusely and explained how it was the precursor to all the R work, books read, time and money spent on C, etc. She was surprisingly decent about it. The things I read and learned from the C really helped a lot during this time. I let her be upset with me. I never got defensive. I never tried to blame anyone except myself nor justify it. Her anger eventually subsided (as much as it could in this situation) and we were back to our routine and even ML a few times.
Now the next bombshell - she got a bump last Oct. in the exact place that coincides with my spot. Ugh, She started treating it and we haven't been together since. Nightmare.
Then I got another spot which my new Dr. treated. She gave us a strategy to fight this by getting monthly inspections and treatments for up to the next 3 years. At the sign of any problem, my W uses a cream, and I have mine frozen off. The Dr. also gave me an alpha-interferon gel to rub on the area. I might go over to hpvforums to discuss this but I'd be interested if anyone knows about treating this.
Back to the R issues. This has been a huge blow to my W and I feel nauseatingly bad about this. She's now having to work extra hard to cope with this. She had never had a yeast infection in her life and the prescription cream she used caused her to have her first one. Rightly so, she's not happy with me but she is actively trying to get over it. She's a saint and doesn't deserve this. It just totally sucks.
I'm struggling with a range of conflicting emotions. On one hand, I feel like we now have a valid reason for not ML and this takes the pressure off of me. I'm not sure why I feel this is a good thing...it contradicts everything I want. I need help exploring this one.
I also feel like I'm damaged goods and would never be able to ML with my W (or anyone again).
I'm feeling like this situation is making her more candid and communicative with me. She used to be very private..locks the bathroom door and "spares me" from her female issues. Since this, she has twice asked me to pick up feminine hygiene products at the store.
I'm also feeling like this is a bit of crucible moment and she's questioning her needs for security and/or her faith that the world is all rainbows and happiness. This might harden her some. It might make her detach. Who knows. I have no control over her growth nor do I want it. But there's a part of me that would like to see her assert herself as independent. For a brief moment between the time she asserts her independence and the time she leaves me, I think I would be incredibly attracted to her. I rally don't think it will get to that point but it makes me wonder how I can have those feelings. This reminds me of Schnarch's Passionate Marriage book where he talks about siamese twins.
In the past few weeks I've started to think I might be accepting this situation and won't really care if ML causes another spot to appear on me because we're on such a diligent treatment schedule that if a spot appears it will just be an inconvenient part of life similar to getting a haircut. Maybe my W will reach that point too and we can have a normal life again.
Sadly, I doubt I will be able to find someone here to relate to their experience...it's a very embarrassing issue. But I guess I'm just looking for hope that we can overcome this despite the pre-existing SSM issues. It's like we finally had a bit of kindling starting to burn but was extinguished. Should I give up my desire to have a sexually decent marriage and just be happy to be with someone who kind and compassionate? I'm spinning.
