Welp after my desperate post on Friday I really wasn't sure what the weekend would hold for us, but surprisingly it included much more closeness than I imagined - and not the physical kind, as we've never had any issues with that even through ALL of this crud. I made a promise to myself on Friday night that I was going to do as little R talking as possible this weekend and really try to keep a list of anything I needed to say for our first C appointment on Thursday. A couple of times we talked for a few minutes, but were all positive - including me saying at one point "More than anything I want to depend on you again to bring the integrity back into our relationship." He totally agreed and we left that at that.
He was showering last night (he traveled today back tomorrow) and I had a moment of brief panic - I said something to him about it and he looked at me and said, go listen to your voicemail at work - then you'll regret having said that. Sure enough, an hour before while he was out running an errand he left me the sweetest message at work saying thank you for a wonderful weekend and we are going to work through all this and thank you for being so understanding. So yes, I felt like crapola and could have made it even a more wonderful surprise had I just bit my tongue for that brief moment.
But this is my question to all you piecingers....Is biting our tongue and letting the moment pass going to be our way of life now or does it get easier? Is there ever a safe time that we can be sad or express a concern without the fear of "here we go again?". Maybe this will be something I'll add to my list for the C on Thursday.
Also, I read something on another board this morning that was huge to me...I have a HUGE problem with control, with knowing his every move etc. I try to say it's ok since I have no trust, but in my "sane" mind I know this isn't a way to live. I saw his phone all weekend and it literally ate inside of me to know what was on it - when I am certain, there was nothing. Why? Why do we do that to ourselves? Anyways, back to the tidbit of knowledge I picked up, it said that snooping etc is nothing but false security - that even though we don't SEE anything there, that doesn't mean there isn't and we continue ourselves in this ugly cycle. What we need is HONEST security from our mate. Lovely, aye? Just that easy, huh? This is also on my list for Thursday.
So I guess that leaves me in a place that is as good as it can be. I love this man, he loves me and we're trying...
