Thought I would start a new post, as we have just begun the seperating process and I hope the piecing will follow with time..Not too much new to report, we have church program this weekend and h is not feeling too well, lots of cold and coughs going around, he's not sure if he can sing or not.He calls me at work during the week with questions about stuff, not just to say hello, but I am expecting too much too soon, that we should be spending more time working on m?? I know it has only been 1 month that he moved out, but the longer we don't talk about anything in our r, doesn't it get easier not to? Sorry that I sound like I am asking the same questions I did a month or 2 ago.The impatient me comes out. I am trying to proceed with my life as if, half trying to think I can make it without him, the other half hoping that it will all work out. Sue
Quote: but the longer we don't talk about anything in our r, doesn't it get easier not to?
sue, what I found to be the case is that, as time goes on...some things just don't seem as important to the r.. so not talking about things (or talk) can give you time to reflect on what the r was... what you liked about h what you didn't like about h. what you liked about you and what you didn't like about you. what are the really important things.
during my separation (technically still separated) h and I talked about nothing...no or talks no "dates" nada...we were co-workers exchanging shifts... and now look.
don't worry, you CAN live with out him, you just don't want to and that is ok. I have hope for a success story from you!!! LL
Good day Sue, I know its been a while since I've posted to you, but I have been dropping by. You seem to be adjusting extremely well, so I haven't had anything to say, but thought I would chime in on your new thread.
As you really know there is no set timeline in which to have R talks. They may or may not come about while you are living apart or they may or may not come about while you are back together again. Bridget just wrote how they were back together again for 4 month before just now having their first. The thing is Sue, try not to worry about the absense of OR talks meaning you are drifting furhter apart, but rather it can contribute to bring you closer together.
The general guideline is wait for spouse to initiate when they are ready. I know you have mentioned that your H may not be so open as to start such a talk, but you know your H well enough to notice when there is change in him that may indicate he is willing to talk. Watch him closely and when you sense something, put out a feeler statement (ie, express a feeling using I statements and starting with "You don't say anything, but I just like you to know...") to see if he will take the bait.
Actually, Sue, there were a couple of oppurtunities already this week, for him to work a R talk in when talking about the scuttlebutt about the both of you. Since, he didn't bring it up then, I tend to believe he is not quite ready yet, but take comfort that it shows there will be signs to tell you when the time is right. Be attentive as you can be to pick up on them.
... and I do hope you don't have to wait too long before it happens.
Thanks for stopping by. I know in my heart that I have to wait for him to want to talk, but when he is around just me, he seems to change be the sad, quiet person he has been the past 6 months. We were out at church and he is happy and talks and laughs, then he came here to do laundry and he's quiet, answers my questions with one word statements. I feel like I should be around, but he watches tv and I don't really want to sit and watch the shows he watches. I feel sad when he comes over, cause I get the feeling it is just to do laundry. He is not ready to want to be with me. Things can turn around, I have read so many positives here, but when it is right in front of you, it gets so easy to give up hope that things will change.If we can't find anything to say to each other how does the spell get broken?? I am justv enting, I know no one really has the answers, time...patience.. I'll try! Sue.
Quote: he's quiet, answers my questions with one word statements. I feel like I should be around, but he watches tv and I don't really want to sit and watch the shows he watches.
what happens when you don't ask questions. what happens when you don't stay around while he's there. what could you be doing instead of sitting while he watches tv?
I noticed in my sit...when I finally stopped talking and just went about my business...after a while h started talking (this before his addmitting to wanting to try) so much so that on some evenings after he left I would say to myself.."who was that guy??"
LL, when I don't talk, he says very little if nothing, but I have always been the talker, so I should not expect that he's going to open his heart up.I can't remember what I used to do before the past year or so that i have felt like I have to be here ,in the same room when he is.I used to go up to the bedroom and watch something else or sew, read, but he made a comment ahwile back in c that the nights he did stay home I would go upstairs and not be there with him, so I thought I needed to sit with him. I did tell him today that my tire was low, and that I did not know how to fill them and he took it and filled it up for me.Normally the past year he had no desire to want to fix anything that I asked him to.So I am seeing small signs. Sue
Yikes, I am like Steph, I don't want to fall too far down the pages and be forgotten!! Not much new though..went to Church program this weekend, and h had cough, so did not sing Sunday p.m, but I was an usher and he did come and sit in the back!! Small step???He could have sat anywhere away from me. I don't appreciate the small things that happen, because I am still wanting BIG things to occur. I will work on that. I asked him last week if he wanted any Christmas things to put up, and he said he hadn't thought about putting anything out..ok then if he wants to be scrooge. Sue
Sue: when my h ask for reconciliation after 4 month of separation and OW included, we talked a lot about what kind of relation we wants... but beleive me, i think now that in that time he was still in a big crisis, wanting to feel confortable, wanting to return to his normal life, but not commit to work on our M... so, bc of that, bc he was still in crisis, a second bomb dropped 8 months after reconciliation... As your h, mine looks and acts different when we were with people than when we were alone.. he changed moods in a impressive way... After being kind with friends around, when we arrive home he just not speak at all... i saw him sad, angry... And you know what...?... i beleive that since i began DB thecnincs, began with great 180, began caring about me and doing my own life, at the same time i help him to get out of that mood... I need to expect steps back, but now i am better prepare to deal with that...!!... Maybe your h is in withdrawal... and in that stage showing them we have our own life... doing 180 like not initiating any talks, like not calling at all, makes them turn their head and heart towards us...!!
I know I should be getting all this by now, but I really feel like h thinks by being silence means I don't care. He has never said that, but it is just a feeling I get. I want to believe that all this dbing works, but I start doubting that being seperated and not having some serious talks from time to time is what is going to mend a m. We don't need to talk everyday about r, even every week, but if the waw spouse does has trouble talking about these things, who is going to start the process??I am getting restless(1 month gone). I know patience...but I don't see anything has gotten better or worse. I take that back, h does seem to feel better since leaving, so maybe it's just cut and dry. he won't ever feel good about coming home again. Sorry, I am just doubting that if we will ever be back to together again. I have not really expressed too much anger, but I feel like maybe some is creeping in, and some days I feel like I wish I could have left.Our kids are grown but still at home, and you know what, i would like to come home to an empty house to just unwind, be alone.Yet I think h is missing out on talks with his kids, that I get to have. I love my kids, and I know that we have layed the foundation so when they are ready to be on their own, they will.I don't want anger to take over, or everything I think I have changed will just backfire.
just need to vent, things have been hectic at work, and yesterday d and I went to the funeral of our former neighbor that was killed in a car crash. He was only 46 and had a wonderful life, 4 kids (2 had just gotten married), and I stop and reflect on what we have. His wife is faced with dealing with his loss, while trying to comfort 4 kids. In my thoughts these past few days I pictured my h calling me up and telling me that this death has him thinking about all that we have and how much he wants to be able to work it out..with time. But of course these are my dreams..I wish that for Christmas he would just give me some kind of hope. My fear is that by his silence, it means that he can't bring himself to really tell me the truth, and that he has no feelings any longer. Oh my, I better stop before I convince myself that theres nothing left. Sue
I read what you said about having the feeling that H thinks that you don't care about the M by being silent. KAW pointed out to me that DBing brings that risk - by focusing more on yourself, you might be putting out a false impression. As to whether you should wait for H to bring up talking about R or go ahead and bring it up yourself? Normally it's not a good idea but it's also not a rule etched in stone. If you think that it would be a 180, try it once and monitor the results. But only you can make that call, Sue...
Doubts and anger? Yes - I feel those too from time to time but I do my best not to show it to anyone. We still have the kids at home and I'm the one who takes care of them a majority of the time.
Also, sorry to hear about the untimely passing of your former neighbor. Does your H know that it happened? It might be worthwhile to give him a call if your neighbor and H were friends - open up a line of communication.
The weekend is fast approaching. What is Sue going to do for herself this weekend?
