This fish won't take the bait II

[Kim07]

Mopsey,

I've been reading your posts,,it all sounds too familiar,,but you are doing great!! I do agree w/the others,,just hold your ground, the "highroaders" usually end up winning and as Michele has stated in DBing books, your children will see later that you tried to the best of your ability (sounds like D is trying as well-not intentionally) while keeping your kindness, to work this out! That your children will see that this is the best way to relate & problem-solve w/others, as you have done this w/sincerety & niceness,,,thats' priceless!

I wanted to know if your D was still having problems w/swimming or maybe it was w/friend AT swimming? I am in business for myself, have been a swimming instructor for 14yrs and have some ideas if you want to hear, otherwise if its' all resolved then I hope she stays in lessons, its' a good distraction for her, is she in counseling as well, might be good?! I'm glad your S is seeing a "C", I have one S out of 4 who is 19yrs and still cannot get thru this, its' harder now to get him into counseling! Let me know if anything I can do to help & good luck!

[job]

Mopsey,
No one can predict whether your marriage is over or not. Only you can determine if you've had enough of his acting out and want out of the marriage.

The reason it is easier for him TM is that he doesn't have to hear your voice and be reminded of what a jerk he's been. Talking to you on the phone or in person requires him to put on a mask of deception which takes a lot of effort and energy. It's all part of the mlc journey. I suspect you will have quite a few calls from the "ET" before it's all over with.

BTW, if you son feels comfortable speaking to the guidance counselor, that should be okay. I would play this one by ear and hopefully the counselor that your h is seeing will encourage your h to return.

I hope everything turns out okay at the swim meet. Sitting w/friends may be a good idea at this time.

Enjoy the day and we all will be cheering your daughter on.

[mopsey821]

Well just another ducky day at the pool. Sat down in my seat surrounded by friends with s14 and a friend in front of me. They get up to get a drink and who plops down...H. In a huge area with tons of seating he takes s14s seat. I tell him s14 is sitting there and he doesn't move. A few minutes later H gets up and s14 comes back. He sits down and I tell him his father is here and sat in his seat. H comes back and sits next to s14 and s14 gets up and leaves. H has angry look on his face the whole time.
Doesn't speak to me much and when I tell him d11 found phone...all he can say is I knew she did something with it and didn't tell me. UGH...she is a young girl and dropped it. Not on purpose.

Anyway, s14 is not the same for the rest of the day. Wouldn't come back to the stands and didn't go out with us for pizza after. Wanted to go home. This morning he wakes up and doesn't feel good. He said he was up all night with bad dreams and his stomack is upset. I let him go back to bed and stay home from school.

So in summary, H miserable to all at swimming yesterday. Barely speaking to me. Why is he sitting in front of me? He could have sat anywhere but why the need to be in my space? The anger in him is overwhelming. He has thrown our whole life in a mess and is so unaccountable. Now s14 doesn't know if he wants to go to christening on sunday. I tried to explain that he can find his own space at sil's but I don't know what he will do. This rift between he and H is huge and I feel so helpless.

So snodderly, I guess I will hang tight. As I said to a friend at swim yesterday, this is not the man I married. I don't even know him. I just wish the old H would return, but right now that seems impossible so I must lay low and drop the rope.

Mopsey

[Between Tears]

Mopsey,

You S14's behavior is similar to what I have seen from my two. He's processing his emotions, and the reason why he is having bad dreams. Wanting to go home, or to the "cave" as I have called it, is only because he feels safest there, as he mulls through his feelings. My S15 (just turned 15) spends a lot of time in his room, where he can let his guard down, and relax. The stomachache and headaches come frequently in my home. Usually, it seems it's because they are upset, while trying to deal with their emotions. Often times, it's only a matter of time, (maybe 2 or 3 weeks) after a tummy ache, that I find S15 going toe to toe with me... but I've come to learn that he does this with me, because he can't do it with his father, the person he wants to be angry with and because deep down inside, S15 knows that I will always love him, be here for him, regardless of what he says or does. Those emotions have to surface, and it's best they are allowed to express them now, than sometime later in their 30s - 50s.

Your H's behavior, typical, typical. They can't understand why you are uncomfortable with them, hey, it's their reality, and they will make it up as they go. In his mind, he has the right to be angry, hostile, or whatever, but you should always be just thrilled and feel graced with their presence, and shouldn't be hurt or angry by the things they have done to you/us/the kids.

It's mind blowing at best, but when they are in full alien garb, they have no empathy, no comprehension of what they have done, feel every right to do what they have done, and will expect you to smile, be happy, and accept what they have done. Yuck!

Yes, he's not the man you married.... nor is mine, and I have felt as though he is a complete stranger. I cringe at the thought that I married a man who could act the way he does. I find myself looking for excuses.... You are not alone.

Keep your eyes and mind on the positives in your life, ignore the alien beast at all costs, and continue to look for the humor whenever possible. It helps while trying to tip toe through the emotional land minds.

Take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing

[mopsey821]

Journaling:
D11 was with H last night. He called while I was out and asked how to activate her new phone. I told him and hung up. Nice but brief.

D11 called to say goodnight to me. She sounded quiet. H was lurking and she asked what I did last night and what s14, the dog and I were doing. H says that he has to make her call me. He, the better parent, knows that this is the right thing to do. I know that every night I remind d11 to call him. Sometimes she is so tired that she gives me a hard time, but she goes in her room and shuts the door and I think she calls him. Who knows?

Anyway, after d11 and I hung up I called her back a few minutes later to tell her there was a school delay. As we were hanging up H gets on the phone to inquire about what I want to do about C. I thought that I told him. Obviously he only hears what he wants to. I told him last night I didn't want to get into it. That I haven't got ahold of C yet to discuss my feelings. We have been playing telephone tag. Anyway, he asks if I can make appt. for he and s14 to go back to c. I told him that I will check with C to see if that is the next step since s14 is getting C in school once a week I don't want him to be on overload. I then politely got off the phone.

Around 10:30 I am half asleep and phone rings...it's h. I don't answer. 4 times he calls within the hour. I turn phone off and awaken to 2 text messages from H asking if we can work together for the children. How he wants to be part of their lives too. I didn't respond. I just feel like he is looking for everyone to tell him that what he is doing is ok and that it isn't going to affect the kids. When he first left his BIL told him that BIL's dad did the same thing. He didn't speak to his dad for 15 years. Right before his dad passed he made peace with him and he has no regrets about his silence. H's brother also told him of other friends and family members who have lost their R with children due to their walking out on the family. H didn't want to listen then and still doesn't.


So BIL that I work with came in today. H took d11 over to there house for nephew's bday. This is sister he said he never wanted to be in the same room with ever again. Anyway, BIL says d11 went off to play with cousins and h stayed and just didn't say much. BIL said he looked like a man who saw funtioning families and was torn between his new life and his old. Not sure if that is true but whatever. BIL also said he doesn't think H will come back ever. That he is a lost soul. Not sure if that is true or not. Perhaps the more family functions H is forced to attend by MIL will show him what he is missing.

So Super Dad has d11 call me this morning before school. Trying to be the team player that he is. Looking for ways to throw things in my face. I have d11 call you all the time you never have her call me. UGH!!!!


Thanks for letting me vent.
Mopsey

[mopsey821]

H just called. Asked if I was not speaking to him since I didn't answer the phone last night. I told him I was sleeping. He started crying about s14. How he was holding his baby niece and all he could think about was s14 at that age. I told him that I can't push s14 into anything right now. He is angry and H was told to expect that by a number of people. I will not present a united front to the kis as I don't believe D is the best option. I told H that you don't get a fresh slate. You have a life and if you need to fix things you do. You just don't walk away and expect everyone to be happy about it.

So he rambled on a bit and asked me what he should do. I told him I can't tell him what to do. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him he already knew what I wanted. He asked how I could even want him back after this.

Anyway, he is upset I won't go back to C with him right now. I told him the only way I would go back was if it was to repair our M. He then said that he didn't want to go to court for the custody agreement. I told him this is his deal. He needs to deal with it. I think he is scared. I know he is upset. I just don't know how he is going to handle this.

Mopsey

[Sunflower23]

Mopsey,

I read your thread everyday, but don't usually post. I just wanted to tell you that you are doing so well. You are being honest, protecting your kids, and not accepting your H's childish behavior. Good for you!

Hugs,
Sun

[mopsey821]

Thanks Sun. I feel like I am getting no where with H but I am still hanging on by a thread. I wish this was a book and I could read the last chapter to find out how it ends. I love happy endings but I am not sure that is what H is working towards. I don't know if he has the guts to go through with this. He is just looking for justifiction for his actions and to not be the bad guy. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. All of his siblings have had trouble in their respective M but all have stick it out. I pointed that out to H. I hope I gave him food for thought. Who knows??

Mopsey

[mopsey821]

S14 turned into s15 today. How sad his father won't be here to celebrate. H called at 4:30 am in a panic. Asked if s15 was ok. I told him he is fine. Asked if I would go into his room to make sure he was breathing. I did. He was fine. H said he had a nightmare about s15 and had to call. Asked what s15 was doing today and I told him he had a full day planned. St. Patrick's day parade with friends, out to dinner with me and d11 and then bowling with friends tonight. Said he would stop by with a card for s15 and would call d11 to come out and get it since he didn't want to bother us.

Anyway, tomorrow is sil's baby christening. S15 decided not to go. He couldn't handle being there with H. Now d11 says she doesn't want to go but I am sure she will change her mind.

Should be an interesting rest of the weekend. Just wondering if any of this (birthdays, christening etc) will make him think. D11 turns D12 on friday so the ride will continue.

Mopsey

[job]

Mopsey,
Happy birthday to your son. Hope he enjoys his special day.

Enjoy the chrisening tomorrow and do not worry about your h. He's the one on the losing end of all of this. Holidays, anniversaries, special events, etc., all play on their minds while in crisis mode. It makes the guilt just a bit worse and that's why they tend to avoid the family at those times as much as possible.

It shall prove to be a very interesting week since your daughter's birthday is right around the corner. Enjoy the weekend and try not to worry about your h. He's in his own little world right now and can't break down the barriers to visit yours.