Making the leap - Hopefully wount Jinx it!

[limbo]

Brief background
1st bomb Oct/06 - h EA/PA
H tell me he was having PA with coworker, swears its over and wants to stay married, start counselling, everything seems ok.
H slowly goes into depression, goes on AD for help.
2nd Bomb Jan/07
H leaves note saying he has been with ow and is going to kill himself, police are involved to find him, have to tell his family whats going on.
He returns home and again say wants it to work, however things are bad and we don't really talk.
3rd bomb Feb/07
H calls me and tells me he is leaving me, not happy and doesn't want marriage. I tell h he has to do whats best for him, I don't beg, plead, just say I hope one day we can think about reconcilliation.
He says he is going to stay with parents, then calls and say parents wount let him stay and can he come home and sleep on couch, says only to sleep not to save marriage. I say no.
He calls next day and says he wants to talk, so can we met, wants to talk about relationship.
We meet and he says he is an idiot and wants to come home and does.

So I figured he would be gone before V-day, however he bought me flowers and took me out for dinner! At dinner we really talked, he started.
He told me he had been trying to make me tell him to leave, as he thought thats what he deserved, and if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have been able to come through this, he really wants the marriage to work, and loves me!
He says that its over with ow, wants to change our phone #, email, so that it makes it harder for her to reach him, he also changed cell #.
So that where we are today, things seem to be ok, and we are moving forward.
I still have bad moments, yesterday was bad, really thought he was back with her, he has reasured me he isn't going anywhere and is not with her, and loves me.
So I thought now is as good of a time to come over here!

[cat03]

I sure hope he is seeing a psychiatrist and an psychologist, he sounds like he had/has deep depression (and hope his meds where changed when he was suicidal)
This is a long long road, before he is the loving H you want him to be, my H was horribly depressed for months, even when he came back, and only therapy and a new job pulled him out of it. You are so luck he reasures you and that he loves you at this point, when my H came back I got no reasurances (he had an A) and he pretty much told me he didn't have much feelings for me.

I give him credit for trying to sever his contat w/the ow. Are you guys going to a C? it really helped my H, we'd together and when he had an appt by himself he'd come home and hugged me. It took several months for out R to shape up, we both were ver aprehensive.

Please please get the book "Talking to Depression: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your Life Is Depressed" by Claudia J. Strauss and Martha Manning.

He needs your acceptance right now, and like my H right now he prob feels worthless. I know you are hurting, but you need to be even stronger now, depression is such an ugly thing.
My H was like a zombie for a while, months later he gradually changed, and I have my sweet H back. It takes a lot of patience to work through a sitch like this, it will be ok.

[limbo]

Thanks Cat!
Yes he is seeing a psychologist, which seems to be helping him alot, we haven't gone to MC yet, and at this point am not going to push it.
He worked with OW and has also moved locations, so they are not in same area or building which makes me alot happier!
It is very hard, and there are many days where I think I can't do this.
I find the hardest thing right now is dealing with the A, for so long I had seemed to have pushed that out trying to deal with the depression, but now that is in control all the other stuff seems to be flooding back! and that's making it very hard.

[cat03]

it is hard, but possible. It took me good few months before Iwas able to think about it without feeling that punch in the stomach.
It will be hard, but with work it is possible to push away the nagging thoughts once you faced them. That's how healing begins, accept what happened, understand that As are desperate acts from miserable people, not a reflection of how much you were loved. Your brain makes thought paths, the A has a deep path in your brain now, the info travels fast when you conjured it. Someone here mentioned that painful memories are like streets, you down the road, you see the street, you fall into a hole, you get out -- next day you go down the same street, fall again. This goes on an on until one day you walk around the whole, and one day, you go down a different street.

The less time you spend dwelling on it, the less your brain will be used to take you to that painful place again. It does take time, don't despair, I know it hurts, but I promise it will be better.

I post this article often, hope it helps you:
=========================================
Emotionally Retarded Men in Love

About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing her, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing.
======================
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n3_v26/ai_13700396/pg_1

[limbo]

Thanks for that Cat it makes sense, and I do think he is emotionally retard, but I hope with the help of his theripist he comes out of that.
We went out on a "date" last night, we are trying to do that every Friday, and so far doing pretty good, we had a nice time, laughed and talked, nothing heavy though.
It seems like things are getting better, although I still can't lose the sense of dread, like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am hoping with time that will fade.
I think part of it, is that I don't want to let my guard down, so that I don't get as hurt, although I think the hurt would be even great this time, if he did go back with her or leave again, as I have had to comprimise myself alot to have him back and be as I am with him.

[limbo]

You know I am beginning to wonder if I am becoming a waw, I am very slowly beginning to feel like I just don't want to do this anymore.
Last night my H grabbed me in away that made me feel like a piece of meat, it wasn't tender or anything, I wount go into detail, anyways it got me upset and had a few tears, H came in saw this and got really angry, next thing he is laying down on the couch in the dark and wount talk to me.
He finally says that he isn't getting any better, and that he has made no progress that wasn't drug induced.
The thing is I am the one who is giving the supporting words, sitting with him, trying to get him threw this, but I just don't know if I have anymore to give him.
I want someone to show me that kind of love, to care about me that much and I don't think he is ever going too.
I deserve better then this, I deserve someone who will love me and care what happens to me.
Sometimes I feel like my h cares more about our dog then me, he is more tender with her then me! And you know thats just a horrible feeling that in some way I am jealous of our dog!
I don't know if I can wait it out, and see if things improve, I don't know what to do!

[cat03]

As far as what happened with your H, I wonder if it was him trying to ML and did it in a way you aren't used to. I was reading a book about how sometimes men don't do much forplay and just want to reach for their partner as a release from stress and that's why it is quick and to the point. Not because they don't want to be loving but because sometimes they just need to do it to release some tension.

Now, what I see is lack of communication, you wanted your H to know you that you felt bad about the way he treated you so you cried. Did you think about waiting a bit and then tenderly later, when you were more composed, ask him to be more gentle?
Tears frustrate men, in my H's case it always comes as manipulative (maybe because his mom guilt trips him into EVERYthing).

He prob got frustrated and told you he can't see things getting better since he saw you cry and doesn' understand how he hurt you. Please please try to be patient, this sitch wont' be fixed in weeks, it will be fixed in MONTHS. For every year of damage in a marriage you need a month to work things out.

I know how hurt you are, I know you feel unloved and you want to be taken cared of. That right now it doesnt' seem possible he will be loving to you. It takes a long time and LOADS of patience honey.
But as someone posted here a while ago "if your mood/happiness depends upon the behavior of others, something is very wrong."

It is hard to live like this, yes, but it is worth it. Whenever you get a negative thought like "Sometimes I feel like my h cares more about our dog then me" you need to counteract it and negate it "my H isnt' loving right now because he isnt' whole".
He can't give you what he doesn't have, right now he is prob still dealing w/his depression. My H pretty much told me that, that he had nothign to give me, and that's how I took him back.

Listen, things WILL improve, I'm very very happy w/my H now, when about this time last year my H didn't even think we could work things out, when he didnt' love me.

I will post this "cheat sheet" of old posts I reread when I felt down, I posted these to someone else on this board too:

===================================
Nothing dramatic, nothing angry....just done out of peace and respect. The more I let him go and showed him unconditional love the more he would come closer to me. he even told me later when I did this it drew him closer to me " cause it felt like I believed in him!"
I think you need to give him alot of space and allow yourself to heL CAUSE YOU HAVE A HARD PART TO GO THRU IF HE TRULY WNATS TO RECONCILE. aND DO NOT RUSH ANYTHING, YOU WANT HIM YOU WANT HIM TO GROW. NOT FORCE HIM TOO.

JOKERMAN WOULD TELL ME NOT TO PUSH AT ALL CAUSE HE WOULD BE MORE DRAWN TO WANT TO BE A PART OF THE ow. I loved the advice he gave me and I will tell you that sometimes I thought well
me??? I do not push but upon further examination of myself I realized as humble as I am I could let go more and get thru the fear and soothe myself not expect him to fix my PAIN>

A month ago he would have not been as calm or sweet about this subject. It will be a BATTLE honey but if this is what you really want then prepare yourself. you will need lots of strength, it tests your love for yourself to go thru this. I knew that i had to be strong to get thru this and not let my emotions rule me. Be his safe place to land and by that I do not mean be a doormat, be strong be yourself but do not cause any drama be calm. I feel as though I was rambling a bit but I hope you get some good out of waht I have sadi to you. I care alot BOUT YOU AND WISH YOU ALL THE BEST BUT REMEBER THAT IT WIL TAKE TIME. i STILL LOOK AT MY h AND WANT TO CRY CAUSE i CANNO T BELIEVE i MADE IT THRU AND HELD ON WHEN i FELT LIKE HE WAS KILLING ME WHILE ALIVE AND i HELD ON AND STAYED STRONG AND NEVER GAVE UP AND MOST OF ALL DID NOT SCREAM, SHOW ANGER OR BE MENA TO HIM. I WAS HUMBLE AND I WAS WHO GOD WOULD LIKE FOR ME TO BE. I WAS ACTING IN A WAY THAT WOULD MAKE GOD HIMSELF PROUD OF ME. And I would remind myself when I felt my temper coming ON " WILL WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO HELP ME REACH MY GOAL? IF NOT THEN DO NOT SAY IT OR DO IT.
----
Love yourself enough to know that you are beautiful, worthwhile, precious, caring,loving, important, sexy, loved, valued and amazing ..
.... carry with you a love for yourself that helps you shine even when the world seems out to get you, be the beautiful Woman that is there underneath all the fear, underneath all the bull sh*t that has been done to you, and ABOVE someone who would ever allow herself to get involved with YOUR husband to begin with. You are better than that do not let her rob you of your happiness. Long and short of it love yourself and show him love like he never hurt you.
...be the fun, smiling person you used to be before he took your heart out and hung it to dry. I always felt as though my h tied me to the back of his truck and forgot to look back and then when he finally untied me,, I had a lot of healing to do...
......... you can do this kepp coming here for support. Love x, love and love some more, allow him to grow and become the man he needs to be for you and most of all for himself.

I can go to bed at nite knowing I did everything in my Power to be the beautiful person I am and to rise above their Sh*t and still live in THE ....light. I remained faithful and worked towards my miracle. I know you can do this too.
..... for you have integrity too.
------------
You are breeding negativity.
STOP IT.
Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband?
Of course the man is not "happy"!
He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family.
HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM??
It's your move.
The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him.
A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself.
He needs someone to give him a chance.
Your daughters need someone to give Daddy a chance.
If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce and I won't even bat an eye if you do. I will understand.
But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance.
It's up to you.
Fear or faith?
Which one are you gonna feed tonight?
I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics.
WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES?
What if.....?
-----------------
Whatever proves to be the hardest thing for you to do is precisely what you HAVE to do.
If it's bringing up OP, then you have to stop.
You just have to stop it.
You're giving her too much power.
SHE'S NOTHING.


-------------

"The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
================================

You can do it, 20yrs together are worth the work, you have so much to gain if you hang on. I don't know if you are a praying person, but I know I found God again through this ordeal. Tell God you can't handle it anymore, to take charge of this sitch, to fill you w/that love your H isnt' able to provide just now. Pray morning and night, and you'll find the peace you need to wait out this storm.

[limbo]

Wow Cat that is a great post! and it definately made me think of a few things that I hadn't before.
Especially about how my H may perceive things in my actions and I guess what he is going threw, it made alot of sense! And I am going to try and keep that in mind, in order to interact better with H!
My faith has taken a huge battering in the last few years, and would have to say that at this point don't feel very strongly about it.
Last year I went to the vatican and when we walked in the pope was giving mass, I found this very moving, and it made me cry, and thought great I haven't lost my faith after all, however again even more so now I wonder how if there is a God could he throw so much pain and hurt at one person, one family so much! My family has gone through so much in the last year, it just doesn't make sense to me! Not just talking my H and I but extended family too!

[cat03]

I know it is hard to comprehend why things happen. The reality of things, is that a great deal of bad things come from poor choices we make, or others make. God gave us free will, and w/that, freedom to make *bad* choices, and sadly, we must suffer because of other's mistakes.

In my case, my hell brought me closer to God, in my H's case, it took him away from God (he was a very conservative christian, now he doesns' go to church)
God doesnt mean to harm us, and we can't see the big picture. I suffered horribly, but now my M is much MUCH better than what it was. Sadly, it took my H leaving to see what kind of person I was (nagging, treating my H like a child, being too tired to ML, putting my H as my last priotiry, being abrasive and angry). I've never drunk nor party, was always good mom to my children, yet, I was a poor & sad excuse of a wife.

Remember Joseph, the one w/the dreams and the coat? he sat in jail for three years, yet, the bible said "and God was with him". How can God be w/someone who's been in jail unjustly? The verse meant that God gave him the inner freedom others outside the jail didnt' have, the peace that only God puts in your heart when you surrender your pains, your cross onto Him.
God does send us trials, and to the ones he loves.

When my H left, I remember endless mornings, when after sleeping for 3-4hrs I'd wrythe in pain crying. Then I started praying, or just waking up saying over and over "please take this pain away, please, take this pain away, help me, help me"
And over the course of weeks, I felt it, the peace no one else could give me. And I'd wake up, and made it as point to smile as I did so, and said "thank you dear Lord, for my health, for my kids, for my friends". And when my H talked about D and selling the house I'd figuratively raised my hands and told God "here, I can't deal w/this burden, take it from me.

Make a choide each day, which road will you take, the road to misery and dark thoughts, or the choice of being happy regardless the circumstances and decide to detach when your H is being negative. Always give him the benefit of the doubt.

[limbo]

Cat I hear what you are saying, and maybe with time I can find that faith again, like everything else in my life it will probably take time.

We had a pretty good evening nothing major, we spent alot of time together, and talked about the dog we want to get for the summer of 2008! so thats encouraging.