I've wrote this as an email to my H, I haven't sent it and don't know if I will, I'm not sure it explains properly or explicitly enough for him to understand, what do y'all think?
I love you so much and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but find myself becoming frustrated, resentful and depressed, which is causing discontent between us.
I don't even want to have sex as much as it may seem I do, I just want to have the option of being open to it, of being able to touch you and feel close to you at other times. I know that you are really trying to give me this because I can feel the difference, I notice when you kiss me in the kitchen, or stroke my neck when we're out. I feel like I have to hold back reciprocating these touches or initiating them, because you'll think I want to be in your pants.
I've been trying to think of a simile to try to explain to you how it feels, (I'm not asking you to do anything about it, but just to understand how it feels for me.)
The things I do for you are to try to keep the house clean and make the food. I do this because it's what I think is important to you. (I'm pretty sure it is 'cos you get upset if it's not done.)
So to get to it. If I left the house, bed, sink, everything, just as it was and let it get messier and messier not even clearing up after myself, you would get pretty pissed off. If at night I said just order in, or get some toast or something, or even I don't really care what you eat, you sort it out. I think you would start to wonder what my role was here, and what was I contributing to the house and relationship. But then after 2-3 weeks, you went to work and when you came home the house was gleaming, everywhere you looked clean, clear surfaces, spotless floors and an amazing meal waiting for you. Your spirits would be lifted you would feel happy and at peace with our world. The next day when you go to work I don't do anything but it's not so bad cos it takes a while for the place to get messed up, but after 2 weeks or so it's starting to look pretty rank. Just then you're starting to think, what am I doing, she's never going to be the wife I want, everyday the house is looking dirtier and dirtier and you start not to want to come home. When you come in we argue, you're shouting at me, telling me how lazy I am, and how you hate to live like this, and why should you have to take care of the house after you've been to work. But then a few days later the house is immaculate and you're at ease again, although you can't really relax, even though it's beautiful, you're pretty sure that now it's only downhill from here you don't know if i'll clean up in a couple of days or a couple of weeks, but you're pretty sure it will be more like weeks.
This is how sex feels to me. I try to prepare for it, making sure I'm showered and perfumed and looking nice. Making sure you won't be stressed when you come in, cos the house is clean and the meal is in hand. Hoping you can relax at the end of the day and that you'll want to be close to me. So that when you come in you can SEE me and see how pretty I am and want to touch me. That you'll want to kiss me and press into me and show me that you find me desirable and that you've missed me and want me. But this isn't going to happen 'cos this is the messy house. When you come in I'll offer you tea ask about your day. You'll talk to me pleasantly, you might cuddle me or give me a peck, but more likely you'll take your tea and get on with your own stuff, because you can't be bothered with cleaning the house tonight, or the next, or the next. But then after a couple of weeks you're thinking hey, it's time this house was cleaned and you spend hours and hours, getting into every nook and cranny, and making sure that house is cleaned within an inch of it's life. Just like a house needs regular cleaning, I need regular affection. I'm not talking about all out hanging from the chandeliers but going to bed early (or even on the sofa) a couple of times a week, even just to cuddle and kiss and enjoy touching and being together like vaccuming and dusting and keeping on top of things, it would stop a build up. When I try to kiss you and you keep your arms folded or your lips shut, this would be like you trying to clean up the messy house but I'd locked the hoover away.
I'm going to compare kissing to tea. I make you tea, you kiss me. We do this because we want to do things for each other, you want tea and I want to be kissed. When I make you tea it's lovely, sometimes I'll bring you a cup just when you need it, and maybe I'll have brought the cookies too and it's wonderful, because it's just what you needed. This would be like me feeling low or miserable, and you coming in and SEEING me, putting your arms around me, holding me and kissing me, really kissing me like you enjoy having me in your arms. Sometimes when I made your tea, there woudn't be enough sugar in it, it would be too hot or cold, or I would slam it down in front of you. This would be like those throw away kisses when you come in or leave, when you brush your dry lips on mine, or when you roll your eyes or complain because I've asked you to kiss me, hello/goodbye/goodmorning/goodnight. Sometimes I wouldn't make you tea, I wouldn't see that you are thirsty or that you would like a drink, this is when you don't kiss me at all, it completely slips your mind, it has no importance to you so you don't think to do it. I don't think that is much to ask, in the same way I imagine that you don't think it's going out of my way for me to make you tea....
