Thanks for the advice and encouragement, 1210. I can't sleep, so I got up and took a sleep aide \:\) and thought I'd check in for a few minutes before I try to get to sleep again.

I know I need to get back in the saddle and that I was feeling so much better, and I will do it again. As I said, it's just harder this time because of the reasons that I mentioned. I had hope last time. This time I still do, but it's different. I know that everything that you're saying is right and that that is what I need to do. I just am so very weak right now, and it's so hard to muster up the strength to do the things that I know I need to do. As I said, I hope it will get easier with each passing day. And I will work on looking out for baby steps from him to help to encourage me.

I keep thinking about the night he came home in January for just that one night. Although the night was still a bit awkward for obvious reasons, it was also so magical. He held me like he used to; he rubbed my hair; he told me he WANTED to be home; we made love TWICE in the same night; he left me a nice note the next morning in which he said "P.S. I'm sure you know I love you." Looking back, it was a better night than we EVER had when he actually came home.

So, why was that? That happened maybe about a couple of weeks after I started doing much better with DBing and doing things for myself, etc., and not pestering him so much. As you know, I wasn't perfect, but it was a long haul from where I had been. He had actually rubbed my shoulders that night at our awards dinner ON HIS OWN - no asking from me. My heart melted. He didn't do that at all when he came home. Any physical touching was 99% of the time initiated by me. It was horrible.

So, that being said, I have to believe that my Db'ing just might have been the cause for that night. I don't know for sure, but it's the one thing that was different. So, I just have to pray that if I work on getting to that point again, we may make a turn for the better. I KNOW he's tired of the conflict and my depression and sadness and predictability. I'm tired of it, too. I DO get all of this; I promise. I know what I have to do; like I said, I just feel so weak right now and sick to my stomach that I have lost so much ground.

Do you honestly think this is still saveable? He's never said that it was over before and that he didn't want to try... I can only pray that it was just in the heat of the moment because he was so tired of my badgering him (even though he said it wasn't). I also know that he at least still cares about me and that he doesn't want to intentionally hurt me. Since he knows he still wants to give it a shot with her right now, maybe he doesn't think there's any other choice but to end it with me? Maybe he doesn't think I have the strength to carry on knowing he's going to be with someone else. I have to admit, it is pretty messed up. At the same time, if it's what I must go through to get through this and to become a better person, sobeit I suppose for as long as I can take it or until he says he's actually ending it for good. I'm not going to make it easy on him; if he wants to end it, HE can be the one to bring it up from now on. \:\)

Thank you again for your encouragement. It's nice to know that you believe in me...