I don't know if you had a chance to read through all my rambling, but unfortunately, though he came home, he was just here physically but not emotionally. I really needed to know that he had ended it with her, but he didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't think that was fair. Then he was so distant and just wasn't present with me. It hurt so much, and he just wouldn't share with me what was going on in his mind, so I just panicked. I didn't know what to do. I was scared, isolated, lonely, and didn't want to lose him. I just didn't understand what was going on. I thought when he came home we would be starting to work on things again, even if it was slowly, but his heart just wasn't in it.
To be honest, I don't think he even planned on staying home. I'll tell you why. The night he came home, the next morning our cleaning lady was coming over, and she does our laundry for us. Well, I told him she was coming over and to get his clothes so (that he had taken away with him) so that she could wash them. Well, he only brought in maybe 2 shirts and 2 pair of pants, and I knew he had taken a lot more than that with him.
So I asked him that day where the rest of his clothes were. He said they were strewn all over his car and at the job site. I hurt and wondered, but I let it go. Later that day, I asked him if he still needed to go over to her house to get the rest of his clothes, and he told me no. So, again, I just left it at that.
I've been wanting ever since then to ask him about it again but felt I needed to just let it be for the time being. I've been avoiding looking in his car or at the job site because I just didn't want to know.
Well, today I looked in his car and saw NO clothes, nor at the job site. It was what I feared all along. So, my thoughts are that he must have told her he just needed some time to sort through some things and that he was going on our trip, but I don't think he even took his clothes from there. He may have even told her that he was out of town the whole time, rather than only half the time. I don't know. I just don't think from the get-go he planned on working on us. I could be wrong, but that's what my gut tells me. He gave up before he even tried.
Anyway, like I said, I don't know if you've read all of my ramblings, but they explain where we're at now. Yes, I was doing much better before he came home, and we were getting closer. But when he came home and wasn't really there, I just backslid horribly. I blame myself partially, but I'm also angry at him for doing that to me.
I know I need to get back in the saddle, and since I did it before, I know I can do it again. This time it's just harder, because last time I had the trip to at least have an end date with, and he never told me before that he didn't want to be married to me anymore.
I'm very grateful for the insight that Lin has given me into my communication faults. I really want to work on that, as I know that is a major issue with him. I hope that will help.
Thank you for your vote of confidence that I can still save this marriage. I am going to give it everything I have. There's nothing more important to me. And, at the end of it all, I just pray that he will thank me for not giving up and that it will all work out and that I will not have done all of this for nothing. I know that I will be a better person even if it doesn't work out with him and that that is a good thing and that I need to be ultimately doing this for me and not for him, but I just care about him so much and don't want to lose him...
