Thank you so much for posting on my thread. I am so appreciative of you taking the time to tell me about your situation and of your "bonding" with me in the hell I'm going through and giving me support and encouragement. I wish you the same in all that you are going through.
Yes, I feel the same way in that I felt like I had made so much progress through DB'ing and that we were making good headway. I knew we were far, far from out of the woods, but I could tell he was softening a little bit. Then, when he came home and I could sense that he was home physically but not emotionally, I just fell apart. As I've said, it was almost easier before he came home... So I slipped back into some very bad habits. I don't think it would have made a difference in the outcome since he wasn't ready to work on the M anyway, but it certainly didn't help.
He did tell me at one point during our long talk on our trip that he "hadn't even wanted to have this conversation for at least 3 to 6 months." I'm not really sure what "this conversation" meant, but maybe he was wanting to just act like nothing happened for 3 to 6 months and not talk about anything and see how it went rather than me forcing him to talk about it so soon. But I don't honestly think there is any way that I would have been able to go 3 to 6 months without talking about this. I know I need to be more patient, but that is just plain cruel emotionally...
When I was doing a much better job of DB'ing before he came home, I did go to the gym, lost some weight, started dressing nicer and doing my hair and makeup everyday, doing my nails, etc. I wasn't perfect, but I did much better at not talking to him about our R or the OW. I usually would ask him about our trip that we went on to make sure we were still going, and he would always reassure me that we were and that we were on track for him coming home. I know that wasn't good either, but it was my salvation to keep me going. I think that's why it's so much harder this time. At least then I had something to look forward to and a potential end to all of this. Now it's so up in the air, and I feel so empty inside and lost.
I felt so much better about myself when I was DB'ing, and I know I need to get back to it. I also know that I need to be patient with myself, too, and let myself go through these initial emotions that are overwhelming me. They feel awful, but I know Michele says we need to feel what we need to feel and go through it and come out on the other side. The past few days have been absolutely horrendous on my soul and heart, AND I somehow made it through them and will continue to plug away, hoping that each day I will get just a little bit stronger.
I did get things taken care of to be able to get the funds together for the construction project that he was waiting on me for. I left a note on his chair at the office for him to find in the morning to let him know. I told him I had taken care of it so that he could get what he needed and put a smiley face at the bottom of the note. I hope that will ease his mind a little bit and maybe, just maybe, soften him to me more...
Yes, everyone around us, too, thinks we have a "perfect M" and that we're great for each other. H even said that. He said that any man would be so lucky to have me. He told me he doesn't want me to think that this happened because he thinks I'm not beautiful; it was just a matter of I didn't want him anymore and someone else did - OUCH! It just goes to show you that you don't appreciate what you have until you feel it slipping through your fingers. And to now hear him say the other day that "it's too late..." It just tears me apart. I want so badly to show him that I CAN be the wife and lover he wants. I just have to pray that I will someday get that chance again.
I forgot to tell you all that he also told me the other day that things could never be the same, I'm presuming meaning after all of this has happened. I told him that he hadn't given it a chance. It feels like he's just making excuses to somehow justify what he is doing. You can't say that "it's too late" and "it's just not me to get help" and "things can never be the same," etc. if you REALLY WANT to make something work. He is such a fighter in all that he does, as am I, so it's so hard to see him let go of this in what feels like to me to be such an easy manner. The bottom line is that he has chosen, at least for now, NOT to fight for us. That's what the whole problem is.
I asked him the other day if we weren't together if he was going to be with her. He said he didn't know. He's told me a few times that he didn't know if she was the end-all person that he wanted to be with. That scares me a little bit, because if he's not that attached to her, then when it ends, he might still not want me anymore. It's possible and probably, though, that he just is trying to spare my feelings by telling me that.
I can't imagine how he could ever be able to take her around his family and friends knowing in the back of his mind how this started, but maybe that wouldn't bother him. I don't know. I was thinking the other day how I would ever possibly handle this if we had to tell people that it was over, and I struggled with those thoughts quite a bit. I know I shouldn't care, but I DO care about what other people think, and I don't want them to think that I gave up on us. I want them to know that it was him and that he found someone else. I know it's wrong, but part of me just wants to tell everyone about her if we don't work out just so that I can sabotage his R with her so that he CAN'T take her (at least very easily) around other people. I know that's wrong and I'm just venting because I'm hurting so much, as ultimately I DO just want him to be happy, and if that's with her, then sobeit. It's just my angry side coming out of me. If this doesn't work out, I just want everyone to know that I wanted it to work and was willing to work on it. He would probably just want to tell everyone that we "drifted apart" or something - bulls**t. That may be true, and I take full responsibility for my part in that, but there is still no reason for him to have gone to the extreme that he did and for all that he has done to me since then. Whew! Sorry about that rampage.
Anyway, thanks again for posting on my thread, Penny. I WILL work on being strong and patient and being a better communicator without all of the questions and pressure. I need some time, AND I WILL get there! Thanks for your support and, again, I wish you all the best in what you are going through as well. STAY STRONG!
