JSD, I hear you brother and am on the same path. For a long time did not understand or believe that a person could change so much so quickly but now don't care enough to think about it anymore. Not the person I married by any means, has morphed into the classic d-witch. Here's to new beginnings then. Liek you said, everyone has to live with the consequences of their actions. Take care, RonJon
It's been a while so thought I'd post. Still haven't got the feel of this new on-line community look. The big news is that I have to move again and leave this wonderful place. The question now is will I move where they tell me or retire and move to wherever I want. Spoke with the xw and asked if we moved back there would she start a fight for joint custody, she gave an emphatic no but when I asked her to send me a letter with that, she hasn't yet "because it's not high on her list and she keep forgetting". I think it's more her divorced friends advising her to not send anything in writing. Was feeling froggy so went even further and asked her if we move back if she thought we could try dating. She said she didn't know what she wanted. (???) Rather than press her I gave her a "pass" and she took it. Maybe she'll call back or e-mail before I have to decide, maybe she won't. Still think that in many ways she sees me as "the enemy" and can't appreciate the changes I've gone through or maybe is scared to think of the possibility.
I've got a week to decide the fate of S14, S16 & me. S16 wants to go to the assignment we got on the east coast, S14 wants to go back to CO to be near D19/mom/old friends. Me, I flip flop back and forth every couple of hours. If I stay in and we go, would be three years minimum (w/very good pay) there and by that time would think there would be no getting back with ex but suppose one never knows. On the other side, if I just up and out, have no job lined up although just finished my Master's degree so should be marketable.
The GAL has been going well, dating more and have one that am really starting to like so may just retire and stay here, don't know. Whatever way things go, have reached the point of comfortableness that things will be OK no matter what.
Any thoughts or suggestions out there? Thanks, RonJon
I suppose it doesn't matter what branch you're in. You hurry up and wait, then suddenly, things change and you got a week to react.
I am glad to see you are looking at this as a three way win-win-win. Would you be happy in CO if xw continued on her self-exploration path and it didn't lead to you? What will make you most happy? You should take your son's desires into account of course. But if one of them wants to be in CO, doesn't he have the option to stay with his mother? I don't know. That sure is a tough decision. And a week isn't a lot of time to do it in!
Opti, Always good to hear from you. How did the assignment go with your H and did he ever answer if he'd like to have you and S14 there with him?
I do like CO a lot and for me family has always come first. Spoke with D19 today, gave her a call while we were out whale watching, she was miffed that I talked to xw about the move before her and said her vote was for us to come back "home". Could be happy if xw was more in a position like me, meeting and dating different folks. The one thing I'd have a hard time with is if she stayed with the OM that broke up that M/family in the 1st place. S14, despite wanting to go to CO wants to stay with S16 more wherever we go, and not even sure xw would take him in. What would make me most happy is for all of us to be a family again and do think that if xw spent some time with "the new me" and put in just a little effort/trust that she would come around. She said today she mailed the letter, think when it gets here will give her one last call to see what she thinks the boys and I ought to do. SO as of today, the votes stand two (S14&D19) to retire and move back to CO and one (S16) to put on Chief and do three years in NJ. Half expect that xw will vote we move to NJ and so will be back to me as the tie-breaker. Yes, definitely a tough decision. RonJon
I've forgotten what the assignment was with H. But I did talk with H about whether he wants S4 to be with him or not. I am satisfied that he does. We agreed to wait until June, when he will find out about making Chief and has to transfer yet again, before we decide to move S4 and I. Lately H and I have been communicating frequently and very warmly and it's obvious that he misses us and wants to be with us. I have been attributing it to my DBing, but to be honest, I think the fact that S4 loves to talk on the phone with his daddy has really had an impact on H. S4 fights getting off the phone saying, "I want to talk to daddy, I love daddy!" In the past, I don't think H thought S4 thought much about him. But S4 has A LOT of pull with H, and now that he can verbalize how much he thinks about him, H feels an urgency to call.
So for you, maybe it comes down between NJ and CO. I think you should be very prepared to move on with your life without xw as a posssible partner in the future. On the other hand, I also believe that sometimes we need to give our hopes a chance, even if there's a good chance they will fail. Just so we can say we gave it an honest chance and we're OK to move on now. That's why, even when my H was not communicating, I knew that I would relocate with him again. Just to come full circle and give it one last chance so I could move on without wondering. Even though, from xw's behavior in the past, she definately still has feelings for you. We just can't know if other things in her life will lead her to you.
It sounds as if you are leaning toward CO. I was younger than your children when my parents divorced, but they stayed in the same area, and it was helpful to me. So I can see the benefits of being in CO, as long as you are not ONLY wanting to be there because of xw.
Here's a little bur I need to throw in there. You like a challenge right? Well...you need to be at peace with xw staying with OM if that's what happens and you move to CO. I know this is very big sticking issue with you. But how are you going to be able to control whether or not xw stays with OM, even if you are around. What could you possibly do to control her decision in that regard without turning things ugly?
In my opinion, if you decide to go to CO, you are going to HAVE TO come to terms with this, or you are going to be bitter and miserable in CO (with your kids there to watch).
Although, staying in another 3 years as Chief and getting a better retirement has serious attractions too...
Opti, The assignment issue with your H if I recall was whether he'd be moving to a place where you all could be together. But if he may have to move yet again, are they holding him where he is until they find out? In my opinion, it was when you talked about separate lives that H woke up and started getting more involved in the R. From experience, men just don't get it and often think things are just on cruise control.
You may have hit the biggest nail on the head with (hmm don't see the quote button anymore, another "web improvement"?) OK then the old fashioned way, "You like a challenge, right?" Wonder sometimes how much it is that she is saying I can't have her anymore that drives me to think "Oh, yes I can get you back". She and I both know I can be very persuasive/influential in person. Not in a nasty controlling type of way either. The OM thing is a challenge I can admit I'd never get past as far as being at peace with that. Any other guy than the one that stabbed me in the back acting to be my freind to get close to my wife. I can't even see a saint of a person being at peace with that. Realize that can't control or shouldn't even try to control whether or not xw stays w/OM, it's a decision she has to make on her own. I can, however, make myself a more impressive alternative to her.
So it comes down to the greatest risk versus the greatest reward, a chance to get my family back together or be jobless in a place where I'd have the the infidel that broke up my family in my face, possibly infiltrating my other family members. It would have been much easier if she had said an empahtic no about dating again but as you put it, she definately still has feelings for me. So maybe that not a no is actually a yes? The days of being bitter or miserable are over for me whatever happens, that is a state of mind and I don't allow myself to go there anymore. There are plenty of reasons to go back to CO besides the xw, family first and still have lots of friends there, D19, and enjoy the location better than any other Iv'e been to, and lots of good looking available women if it comes to that.
Talked to xw again yesterday accidentally, called D19's cell and xw answered. She said she had mailed the letter on the not fighting for the boys if we moved back but still doesn't get it that it's not about the wording on the letter. To her, she sees it as a legal thing, to me, it's a matter of trust that she would send it despite all her D'd cohorts telling her not to. Hmmm, maybe I should tell her that.
Get this, also sent her a package with 12 lemons that arrived yesterday, she was drinking Margaritas (with D19! no less) when we spoke and she thought I'd sent them when I was drunk also. Hopefully she'll see the underlying symbolism when she sobers up.
Today is more of a just take the $$$s and go to NJ type of day and see where things are 3 yrs from now if she's not ready now. But that is the low risk/low reward route. Probably will come down to a couple of phone calls in the next few days, although it's probably unrealistic to think she may come out of her confusion that she's been in and send a clear message.
Thanks for being a good sounding board and throwing out ideas, realize that ultimately it's my decision but its always good to hear what others have to say. RonJon
Any other guy than the one that stabbed me in the back acting to be my friend to get close to my wife.
I haven't posted to you before but boy can I relate to that. My H's OW is a former friend of ours. She and her now XH and H and I went out to dinner with them and another couple alot. In fact, two weeks before she slept with my H, she and I along with the other friend went to a concert together. She is not someone I ever want involved with my children or that I want involved in my life in any way, shape, or form. But getting rid of her has to be my H's choice. I can't control his decisions, I can only control my own.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Amen to that. This OM was "going through a bad D" so being friendly invited him over several times to come over my house for Sunday dinner and listen and whine about it. The four of us went out once and I think his xw saw something between them but at the time I was too trusting and didn't see it. That may be the single most important part of my decision is to not let OM get involved with my life or my children's, no "Uncle OM" here even if I have to move acroos the country to prevent the kids from being influenced by him. They can't stand him anyway. It's a dang shame. Thanks for posting, RJ
Today had a revalation, xw called after a long day at work and was mad because I didn't answer her e-mail. Never received an de-mail but she doesn't believe that, she wantsd the kids for Spring break which I said was OK but now she wants them for the week I already made plans because last month she wanted them the week earlier. Talk about a crazy one, but ther revalation wan't that (middle aged crazy), it was hearing the bottled up resentment and anger come flooding out at me that made me realize there is no way we could ever get back together or at least not until years down the road. At one point lost it my self and raised my voice but quickly regathered. It amazes me how all the small steps are just like building a house of cards and how quickly things can collapse. I swear that woman enjoys fighting with me even now when I don't fight back. One high note, if it can be called that, is while bring up the past (which I should know by now not to do) she told me stuff that she never had before although it turned out to be yet more reasons how her resentment built up over the years. Sometimes I'm so hard-headed but maybe that's better that it's taken me so long to realize this. So looking at now that, Divorced and Done, moving to NJ, not back to CO. RJ
One high note, if it can be called that, is while bring up the past (which I should know by now not to do) she told me stuff that she never had before although it turned out to be yet more reasons how her resentment built up over the years.
I think part of the reason why after a divorce, we should look forward to sharing our lives with someone new.
A new person won't one day with the fridge door open, drop the milk and with a strange glint in their eye, proceed to give us a warped version of our history together.
That's the dark cloud that'll be over your head after reconcilling with a WAW and the day it happens, it's game over anyways.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
