Life of Job

[theoden]

8,

Oh Holy God..I ache for you.

Why does this stuff happen?

Peace,

Alan

[81388*]

Whatis and Alan;
Thank you both, I am grateful for your support. Kids are home, W just left, so I can take some hot water and lye soap and scrub this stupid smile off my face.

Went well, with her here, talked about D11 B-day and who was making the cake, she joked about having to borrow some flour, eggs, pans, a mixer, etc. I just smiled and said "why don't I bake it and you decorate it, you can come by after work tommorrow." That seemed agreeable to her.

At one point she bumped into me, said she was sorry, my reply was that I can and have taken much harder hits then that, and that I was pretty tough, to which she said, "yes you are."

I don't know what this is all going to end up being, but I do know that her moving out is part of it. Without the desire to come back home, there can be no lasting solution to this, and if that desire simply is not there, then she needs to be some place else.

Tonight, in between crying and redecorating, I came to the conclusion that I will be OK with or without her. I love her more then life itself, but "this to shall pass", if need be.

I am a wonderful, talented, devoted husband and father. I have always put my family first. I am funny and not bad looking. I have a deep faith in God. I have 3 incredeble children who are the other loves of my life. I have always cared about others and continue to do so. We will be fine, come what may.

[whatisis]

8, your W walked just before your D's BD? Whew, is that the Ice Lady or what! Just another example of how self centered they become through all this. You sound great! Just remember strong feelings will come and go. Hang in there!

[believing_isaiah43]

8,

Oh Holy God..I ache for you.

Why does this stuff happen?

Ditto, honey. Sh!t, I'm so sorry. You are doing all the right things that I can see. Don't doubt that. Do circle the wagons with some support people IRL. I agree with that idea.

You are going to be GREAT. Unfortunately the only way through this is THROUGH it, dammit. But the other side is going to be great, whatever that is. And God WILL restore the years the locusts have eaten. He promises us that, and His words are true.

[81388*]

Whatis;
I am hanging, nothing else left to do.

Yes, self centered is an understatement. I think I remember you saying something about maybe being and doing everything for your wife allowed her to become so self centered. I am starting to see the same thing. As I reflect back, for many different reasons, the last 18 years has been a slow spiral towards "what ever makes YOU happy." The sad part was I was OK with it because I THOUGHT it did make her happy.

Imagine my surprise when I found out it is not what she wanted, Oh wait, you don't have to imagine it! So I guess my question is, Why not say something? Why not just say, "I am really not happy with how things are and where my life is at." Or "I love you, but it feels like things are out of controll, and we need to do something different." Or, "It seems like I am developing feelings for this other person, and it scares the sh!t out of me, we need to talk about this."

Is it denile? Or maybe they think they have more self-controll then they do, what, what, what, what, why, why, why, why?

I guess in the end, only they know.

[81388*]

BI, How are you doing? Did you get my post about the Habbakuk scripture?, and which translation? Thanks for your words of comfort. I know that this is His plan, and that he has an awesome R in store for us, I just wish I could be more confident that my response is what He would have me/us do, so that it can become reality instead of a missed opportunity.

[whatisis]

8, they don't because OP feels so damn good. It creeps up on them little by little and becomes addictive, "I'll just let it go a little longer" besides "we're just friends" and then suddenly you hear "nobody planned for this to happen". It's all BS of course, they chose not to stop it. I also think they weren't as unhappy before OP as they claim to be, but have re-written alot of history to fit the immoral thing they have just done. "If I was unhappy then I have a right to do what I did" and "if he had of been a better H, I would have been happy". I heard "just because I took a vow does that mean I don't have the right to be happy?" Wow, how do you respond to nonsense like that? Yes, there certainly were things in my M at least that I could have done better or differently, and even tried when I was informed (or nagged is a better term) but to no avail. She was looking for reasons to push me away and let OP in. For sure, I got comfy and didn't keep the magic alive, I became the "family man" and "supportive H" but I missed something along the way and I'm paying for it now. I don't blame myself but I do acknowledge my role in what happened. What happens next though, is up to her. I've done my part and been open to changing and working to make our M better, she refuses. I think you are in the same boat. My only advice right now would be to be as good a friend to her as you can be in the days to come. Keep on good terms and love her as best you can. She'll always be a part of you regardless of whether she's there or not. That's what they don't understand, they can tear up the piece of paper but not what's in our hearts. They will always own a little piece, if not more. They can never kill that.

[81388*]

Whatis;
The worst part is, even now I am willing to blame myself, the OM, everybody but my wife. How sad is that?

It is like it is all about her being taken advantage of, and me letting her down. When the fact is that it is a choice she made

[whatisis]

8, I think the important thing to remember right now is that IT DOESN"T MATTER WHO IS TO BLAME. Let yourself off the hook and don't bother putting her on one. The focus should now be "what do I want instead". Continuing to try and figure out whether she is 65% to blame versus your 35% is a cheeseless tunnel. We all have a tendency to go there thinking somehow this will make things clearer for us. It will never be clear and that's what we have to let go of. Choices were made by both parties, some worse than others but they were made. The questions now should be "what next" and "how do I get there". Take care.

[81388*]

As always, thanks.

It was more of an observation, I know I will never fully understand all of this and why.

So far so good today, off work so that helps. Terrible nightmare woke me in the middle of the night, S6 had one as well. Got him back to sleep, slept some then got up took a very long, very hot shower. Woke kids, made breakfast packed lunches, double checked notes and homework and got them out the door before the bus stopped at the end of the drive.

Today will be full, laundry,cleaning,shopping,cake baking,redecorating, figure out what to do about dinner. I need to make time to go to the gym as well.

W is coming over after work to decorate D11(I guess I can start using D12) b-day cake. I look forward to seeing her.