Hello Jeff - I have been on these boards much lately so I have spent a few minutes getting caught up. I was really impressed by some of the things you posted back on 2/15 and again on 2/22:
First, you wrote "I felt like I was falling in a deep pit. But I reread some of my books and I was reminded that while the logical mind tells us to detach and move on the emotional mind is like the tide. We feel emotions at high tide and then we think everything is okay when low tide comes. But then another high tide follows. I have been calling it backsliding and beating myself up for again feeling anger, frustration, fear and sorrow. But backsliding is not it at all. It is how emotions work. They work like the tide to change the coastline ever so slowly. If you build a wall to keep out the tide, the coastline never changes, never improves.
So I again realize to let the emotions run their course and accept what they are telling me. They are part of the healing process." When I read that it really hit the mark. The wisdom of your observation helped shed light in understanding my situation, and why some days are better than others as we move on.
Then you wrote "No, I did not bust my divorce. I didn't even save my marriage. I managed to do something far, far more significant.
I saved myself.
And don't think me pretentious or boastful please.
You should have seen me in September, October, and November.
Those days are gone, and the man who lived those days is also gone. The insecurities, the dependency, the fear, the self doubt, and the thoughts that life as I knew it had ended...all those destructive and harmful things are finally gone.
I am happy with who I am today. I am at peace inside and no longer find my happiness in my wife or my marriage. I no longer yearn and long for the return of something that was clearly lost. I have found friends who enjoy doing things with me, have shown my boys that I enjoy their time and can be fun to be with, and have stepped up my responsibilities at school. I look to the future with anticipation.
Most significantly I have found hope and a promise for the future. I know now where I am headed and I am thrilled about what lies before me. There is love ahead of me again one day and a life with someone who will value me, cherish me, and complete me and whom I can value, cherish, and complete as well." Those observations are right on target and still remain true inspite of how bad you have been feeling lately. Remember, it is all part of the same ebb and flow cycle you described back on 2/15. It is the same cycle which impacts me and I dare say most of the others who read and post here. Just be assured of the fact that you will be feeling better again shortly. This all takes time. Divorce in many ways is like experiencing the death of a loved one, and the pain does not go away over night. But it will receed more and more as time goes by.
One final thought - I have noticed that I really enjoy having "a few" myself as it helps puts me in a good frame of mind. I have noticed however that the following mornings (even if I have only consumed a moderate amount) are much more difficult than if I had nothing to drink the night before. I'm not talking hangovers here. I really think that drinking can contribue to depression based on my personal experience.
