I agree that a MLC spouse does bury their true feelings of love. "I guess I am just wondering if my H ever loved me at all?"
When we married we were soulmates, completely connected in everyway. We both felt like we never knew what love was until we met. We said nothing would ever come between us and my H told me he was "never more sure of anything in his life" when he asked me to marry him. Was it just an act? Did my H really ever love me??? These are the questions I have been asking myself. These thoughts haunt me everyday. If he meant anything he said to me - how could he leave me?
Now 10 1/2 years of M, he has filed for divorce. Doesn't want to even try to work things out. Says the love is gone and can't get it back. He says he is being honest with himself for the very first time in his life. He is involved with Ow and has been since before he left me. He has moved in with her and has begun bringing her around the kids. I have been replaced!
He lost his father just 3 years ago and shortly after that I was told I wasn't there for him and never have been. I began noticing him changing and was more irritable and unhappy with our life together. I believe the A started about 2 1/2 years ago. Emotional then turning passionate. He moved out 2 years ago this coming June 1st.
I read your post about needs and how the MLCer perceives that their needs aren't being met and then seeks to have their needs met elsewhere. I could relate to everything you wrote. H's father was an alcoholic and was never very close with him. H told me how he always felt an emotional void in regards to his R with his dad. H avoided visiting his father for fear that he would be drunk and verbally abusive to our family. We didn't visit the IL's very often with our children for this reason. Then FIL died and I believe H had lots of guilt for not making things right with his dad before he died.
I want to believe that my H did really love me, but I ask myself "does my H really know what love is?" "did he ever?" It seems that my H felt that I didn't care enough about his feelings and has told me manytimes that he felt I "neglected" our M. I know he is justifying his A and for abandoning our family , but I also believe that he has convinced himself that this is the Truth. His reality is that I never cared and didn't meet his needs, our M was a mistake, etc.....
I want so badly to believe he really did love me and meant everything he said to me, but I don't know anymore. Maybe he doesn't know what love is or has he just rewritten history and is in a MLC. I am starting to wonder.
Would you mind letting me know what you think about my sitch? I believe my H's issues with his father have definitely affected his adult life and R's, including our M. Do you think my H knows what love really is? H says that I don't know what love is nor do I know what loving someone unconditionally is. I feel this about my H not me as I still love my H in spite of all that he has done and said over the past 2 1/2 years of his crisis.
