I read to understand as well. There are times where I still want to fix my XW and others. It is a challenge for me to resist telling them what they need to do. In order for people to heal themselves, they have to discover that it is only within there power to do so. No one can fix them other then themselves.
The sooner a LBS lets the MLC spouse go, the sooner they can reach a point where they may decide that the problem lies within them. I believe I helped prolong my XW's MLC. I kept trying to save her from herself and do her work for her. I was seeking answers to her problems when it should have been her doing.
As a former LBS, I was my own worst enemy. I was trying to be a fixer, healer and enabler all roled into one. I just needed to get the hell out of the way and alllow my XW to feel her pain from the choices she had made.
It is a whole lot eaier learning these things after the fact when you can look at things from a totally different perspective. While in the pain of a LBS you can't see anything even if it is right in front of you.
I was blind and dumb. It's pretty funny to think about now. Looking back I can say; "What was I thinking?" I guess I wasn't. I was in as much pain and confusion as my MLC XW. No wonder we couldn't get beyond the pain and confusion we were both experiencing.
I want to let everyone know that you can make it to the other side of this MLC experience. Things do get better. The wounds will heal. Love will return to your life. But first you have to learn the lessons that this experience is all about.
