Lin, thank you again for all of your advice and encouragement yesterday. It helped me so much.
I did get a better night's sleep last night. I had a hard time dozing off but when I did slept until about 5, then woke up with a bad headache and took some medicine and fell back asleep until around 9. Got up and showered, put on something a little sexy :), and went up to our job site. I knew H was going to be there around 10, so wanted to run into him. I did, and he was very cordial to me. He asked me if I'd been tanning, said I looked more tan. We talked some business stuff for a while and were very pleasant to each other. Then he left and said he was going to go up to our office for a while. But when I got to the office, he wasn't there.
So I was bad and snooped and found his car over at OW's house. My heart broke in two. I knew that that is probably where he was, but now it's confirmed... Now I just have to go back to the "no snooping" rule. Before, when I stopped snooping completely, I felt so much better. It still hurt to know that I knew he was probably there, but I at least didn't have the mental pictures in my mind to back it up. I have to do that again, or I will drive myself crazy.
It's funny; one minute I'll feel so overwhelmed and upset that I don't even know how to go on, and the next minute I'll have positive thoughts in my mind about working on myself and knowing that we WILL get through this together, that I just need to be patient and let this A run its course and show him a person he wants to come back to. My "down" moments are so severely down, and my "semi-up" moments are just okay and don't last for long... I hope that will improve. Hopefully over the next week or so as I see how the dust kind of settles with all of this I'll have a better feeling for where this may be going. We'll see.
So right now I'm feeling horrible because I know he's over there enjoying a nice Sunday with her and I'm here at the office struggling to get my mind in gear so that I can get some much-needed work done. I shouldn't have snooped. I've just got to stop that, and I know it. I know he's probably there because he needs to just be with someone and relax that he enjoys being with and doesn't hound him all the time and that that is what I'm competing with. So I just have to work on being someone that he wants to be around more often. I just feel like I really messed up when he came home for those two weeks. I backslid so much with pressuring him and chasing him again. But, at the same time, I know his heart wasn't into giving us another chance yet, so I need to stop blaming myself. And until he's ready to completely let her go and give us another chance, there's nothing I can do about it. And it's best if he takes this time to explore his feeling for her and works through that and hopefully let's it die its own death rather than force himself to let her go when he still cares so much, right? I just don't know...
So today I'm going to just work on getting absorbed in my work and working on getting caught up. The sting of seeing his car will fade, but right now I'm just so upset. I feel like I'm starting all over again like back in November. I came so far since then and went through so much and felt like we had made so much progress, and now I feel like I have to start all over again...
As for the calendar thing, I have a calendar in my office that I could write the trip on, but he doesn't really see that that often, so I don't think he'd pay attention. He uses a planner, but I don't want to tell him to write it in there... Any other suggestions? I did go ahead and write the trip on my calendar in my office just now, just in case he might see it... But what should I do if he doesn't bring it up? Like I said, I don't want to be discourteous to his parents by not giving them notice if we are not going to go...
We also have a trip planned to Vegas at the end of March. I got it for his for a Valentine's Day present. I just put that on my calendar, too. I'm not even going to bring that one up for several weeks, and if he decides he doesn't want to go with me, maybe I'll still go with a friend or something??? That would probably be good for me, and it might be good for me to just be away from him for a few days...
As far as me "doing too much for him," I guess, like you, that I've always sort of been that way. I'm a nurturer and like to take care of people. Maybe he just hasn't ever said anything about it, but he hasn't ever told me that he felt like I was treating him like a child and that he wanted to take care of more things...
As far as intimacy, I have told him that during the two weeks we were together I really enjoyed ML to him, but, as I told you, he said that he felt like I was only doing it because I thought that's what he wanted and that that didn't make him feel very good... I can't really do a lot about this issue now with the current situation. So if he does come home on a night, do I ask him what he wants? Do I just approach him and initiate something myself without asking? Do I sleep in the spare bedroom and wait for him to approach me?
I will look more into the DHEA. I have an appointment with my doctor this week to see if he can prescribe some sort of muscle relaxers or something for me to help with my stress and lack of focus. I will ask him about the DHEA at the same time. He did a bunch of tests on me years ago when I looked into figuring out my low sex drive, but the tests showed that I didn't have any hormones off balance or anything. But if you said it helped you anyway, I want to try it!
You know what helped me sleep a little better last night? When you wrote to me "The marriage is not over." Even though that was YOU saying it and not him, it helped so much just to see those words from someone! You're right, it's not over until it's over, and it's my job to push it in the opposite direction of where it's at now. Hopefully that will get easier with each passing day as this initial fallout continues to go into the past.
I hope you're right that he told me it was over so that the questioning would stop. I could feel myself being desperate and needy over the past few weeks when he was home and the beginning of last week - desperate for answers and some direction and understanding of what the heck was going on. I know that was wrong, but at the same time, it was wrong for him to come home and be with me when his heart wasn't in it. He told me so many things, like that we were going on this trip together as a "couple" and would stay that way when we got back, that he would keep sleeping at home, that we were going to make this work forever if we could, etc. I guess my hopes were just so high, and then his heart was not in it. It was not right for him to do that to me, and most of my bad actions that I took were as a direct result of him not being "here" with me emotionally. It's not all his fault either, but I've got to stop completely blaming myself for all of this.
As far as our situation, I am 35 and he is 34. First marriages for both of us. No kids. Like you, we also met through a mutual friend. He keeps telling me that he wants things to be like they were when we first met, so I keep racking my brain to think back to those times and the way it was. I just wish I had the chance to be with him to do those things again. I just have to have faith that someday I will have a chance if I play my cards correctly now. We have very solid families - both come from very good homes and are very, very close to both of our families. I love and adore his family so much, and my parents adore him more than I can say. It would absolutely tear all of them up if we didn't stay together, which is part of what makes this so hard. I know ultimately they all just want us both to be happy, but it still would be so hard on them. I was thinking the other day about his parents and what they would say if he told them we weren't going to stay together. I KNOW his mom would probably ask him what he had done to try and fix things, and what would he say? He really hasn't done anything, and THAT IS THE PROBLEM! He would probably say that he had asked me to change things for years and that it just didn't work out... I don't know.
So, on with trying to get my focus today! Please help me, as I have so incredibly much to do with work and am so overwhelmed, and at the same time, I just do not care one ounce about it! That's a horrible feeling. I love what I do, but I have been so strained and stressed the past several months that I just haven't enjoyed it like I used to, and that's so hard. I just want to be happy again so badly...
