I shall simply refer you to the advice you've been giving me on my thread of late. It's been spot on and applies directly to your sitch.
Regular life has a way of screwing with your head after all the drama....
Hang in there and keep doing what you've been doing. GAL/PMA...these things don't ever not apply. At some point your W will clue in and pick up the slack.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Hugs Rob... You're doing great. Keep your chin up and focus on you. You guys here are amazing rocks. Give yourself a gift and do something nice for you because you want to...
W and I went out for a nice dinner last night, but she was still pretty down in the dumps - not quite the romantic getaway I hoped for, but that's OK. I talked some about how I'm struggling out of the winter blahs myself, but am determined to do better. She pointed out that I have been slacking off on my exercising - once she said that, I realized it was absolutely true, and resolved to improve. Got on the bike trainer this morning, and I think that's really helped with my PMA today.
W talked some about her recent visit with her IC. The IC told her that she may always be planning so much for the future in order to avoid feeling the terrible pain of the present. Seemed like W buys into this. Ouch! Now, for just a minute there, I started to do what the Old Me would have done - internalized this, made it all about how life WITH ME is painful. But after that minute, I got into DBing high gear and shut down that thought. This is W's pain, and while I certainly want her to be happy, it is about HER, not about me. Then, I was able to offer sympathy - "I'm sorry you're feeling so down, let me know how I might help" - and not reflect it back in a way that just made things worse.
The other thing W talked about was how she feels so totally overwhelmed by running D14's life that she has no time for her own (I'm paraphrasing a little there. ) See, D14 takes almost no responsibility for ANYTHING - makes us nag her constantly to get her butt in gear to get up in the morning, do her homework, practice her music, etc. etc. etc. Now, with my newfound DBer Wisdom, I have changed my approach to dealing with this. I'm getting much better at setting consequences, and then telling D14 "If you want to fail, go right ahead, but here's what that's going to cost you." And I step back and leave it up to her.
W, on the other hand, doesn't get that yet (which actually undermines my approach a lot of the time). W still sees D14 sloughing off her responsibilities, and launches into nagging mode. In my mind, that means one thing: The person who's REALLY responsible for getting stuff done is W, not D14. So, OF COURSE D14 never improves - it's not her job, right?
As of this morning, I'm redoubling my efforts to take the burdens off of my/W's shoulders, and put them on D14's shoulders where they belong. Had another talk - long, kind, but firm - with D14 where I did the talking and W mostly listened. D14 has lost almost all computer access until we determine that she has changed her attitude and behaviour. Not just for today ("I cleaned my room, let me on my computer now!") I'm talking until we see her do a complete 180 on this - could be months, but that's entirely up to her.
I hope W sees how this is supposed to work, and can let go of the control. I know that would be the best thing for all three of us!
Anyways, it's good to be sharing stuff again instead of bottling it up. Going to be a great evening (once I get off the DB boards and get my frickin' homework done!!!)
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
What a relief (in an odd sort of way!) Realized this evening that I am coming down with a cold or flu or something, and that it's been sneaking up on me for at least a couple of days.
Nothing "life threatening" but it's good to understand at least part of the reason I've been feeling down...
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I've been thinking about this one for a few days....yes I know what you mean when you want W to "get with the program" cos it's been such a lifesaver for us...I mean DB has so much in it that's good for taking control of your own happiness, for making us better people...and yes we look at the WAS and think "if you want happiness I have just the recipe here". But it doesn't work like that .. a recomitting WAS still won't believe that this can help them...I wonder if there is a WAS board out there that isn't full of people saying "you deserve to be happy, leave him!!!". I don't think so...which is a shame and when I see a WAS or potential WAS posting here I feel so much admiration for them.
I went through this too ..in Spetember, led to mild depression in Oct/Nov that was worked through with individual C. We haveall had a massive life shock and it's going to take time to get over. However, like when WAS was in WAS mode, we cannot "fix" them, all we can do is look at ourselves. In Piecing mode I think we (the LBS's) still have to be the model of DB'ing to SHOW the WAS how their life can be different. I used to say to H a lot of "general" comments, not directed at him AT ALL, along the lines of "many people in life aren't happy cos they look too much to external things" (this is just an example). fast forward a few months and H is more or less repeating that to someone else.
H IS "getting it" he IS trying, and your W will be the same. She's the one who left, remember, she has a longer history of unhappiness/confusion. I think it takes the WAS longer to get over this, us LBS's are back up on cloud 9 (OK, 5 or 6 some days) and raring to go...they are still stuck a little sitting in their own poop, but it's up to them to get out of it.
So,in summary....can I say the P word again? I know you don't like it when I do but Patience counts here. What also helped me was setting a few more goals, just to give me something SMALL to focus on rather than looking for the big "ILY I'M sorry, all our bad times are gone, let's go to bed right now and stay there all day".
Hope it helps .... I'm giving myself the rest of this YEAR to be piecing, to feel really 100% comfortable ...then after that, well I'm starting to believe the DB'ing never really stops, buta lot more of what I do now is more natural. I'm not such a whinging b-each anymore, now I STOP and THINK before I open my big mouth.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
So,in summary....can I say the P word again? I know you don't like it when I do but Patience counts here.
Not at ALL! Bring it on - exactly what I want and need to hear.
Quote:
What also helped me was setting a few more goals, just to give me something SMALL to focus on rather than looking for the big "ILY I'M sorry, all our bad times are gone, let's go to bed right now and stay there all day".
Darn, how did you know exactly what I was thinking? Very good idea about the small goals - haven't updated my goals list in quite a while!
Quote:
Hope it helps .... I'm giving myself the rest of this YEAR to be piecing, to feel really 100% comfortable ...then after that, well I'm starting to believe the DB'ing never really stops, buta lot more of what I do now is more natural.
It does help, a lot. Thank you very much for posting.
And I agree with you completely - DBing is not a means to an end, it is a new way of life.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I have been following a long time so I will say to you what I said to SD - go back and reread earlier posts. I see a very different man today - confidence, strength, poise, compassion. In control and knowing. I did not read that earlier.
Dwell on that. Consider that. Consider it carefully.
Continue to grow. I know you must be tired. So am I. We all are. But growing takes work. No growth means you are dying.
It is worth it in the end. No, not the R - but the man you have discovered - the man there all the time.
The last week went quite a bit better for me. Realizing I was down because I was fighting being sick really helped me get my PMA back on. Unfortunately, I am STILL fighting being sick - this is some kind of lingering flu/cold/thing that never completely wipes me out, but doesn't let me "fire on all cylinders" either.
W started out the week with a crisis of sorts at work - lots of politics and backstabbing going on. Tried to help her out (without 'fixing'!) by pointing out some possible causes for the other people's actions, and some ways she could possibly, maybe, if she chose to, take all of that stuff less personally and be more on top of it. It improved for her in a couple of days, I'm guessing what I said helped, at least to get her to step back a little from the sitch.
Still no more ML, but that's mostly due to me not feeling good. W is being more cuddly that usual, which I really like (my top LL!) but she seems to understand that I'm not up to it right now.
The struggle with D14 continues, but W seems to be getting more behind the 'lose priviledges until you shape up your attitude' approach. At this point, D14 has lost a bug chunk of her computer and TV access. For now, she just seems to be saying to herself, I'd rather live without them than clean my room - I wonder how long that will last.
Last night we went to see the movie Music and Lyrics. It was OK, but a lot of it felt sort of forced - like someone had cranked the whole thing out of a generic "romantic comedy generator". There were a few cute bits, but it didn't have the depth of feelings or humor of, say, The Holiday (the last romantic comedy we went to - did I mention that's all W ever wants to see? )
This afternoon we have dancing again. Since a new month has started, we are moving from the Hustle to the Cha Cha. Thank goodness - the Hustle is continual spins around each other and makes me dizzy as h3ll if I do it for a solid hour!
All in all, feel like I'm back on track, with my PMA and Patience both cranked up like they need to be. Life is good.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
) See, D14 takes almost no responsibility for ANYTHING - makes us nag her constantly to get her butt in gear to get up in the morning, do her homework, practice her music, etc. etc. etc. Now, with my newfound DBer Wisdom, I have changed my approach to dealing with this. I'm getting much better at setting consequences, and then telling D14 "If you want to fail, go right ahead, but here's what that's going to cost you." And I step back and leave it up to her.
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